no. 408 – Machismo

For once, I’m at a loss for words. Not just any words, but the "right" words. I’d rather take this time and write about X’s swim and tae kwon do classes. Or how our property became a scene from CSI Nebraska on Wednesday. I’d  rather describe a sexual issue I haven’t had the guts to talk about, or even the desire to, but one that I really should get off my chest. I’m even thinking of starting a new category ("Stories from the Office Toilet") because everyfuckinday, it’s something!

Instead I feel like my brain has suddenly become a scrabble game and the words are there, I just have to get them together without them reading like caveman-speak (me angry. me sad. me no feel resolution with Mr. DD)(……Is it me, or was that more Tarzan-speak?).

I scheduled an appointment for Mr. DD and myself to meet with our RE on April 5. I can’t get a weekend, and I can’t get a Friday. Either one would be more convenient for Mr. DD. Because it’s at 11:00 am, we each will need the full day off with the 2+ hours drive one way. He’s upset and says, "I have to take the whole day off for this? Why do I have to be there?"

Because I’m sick and fucking tired of you asking me why can’t we get a pregnancy to hold. I don’t have the answer, and when I tell you that NO one will have the answer, you scoff at me. Then you say stupid things like "If we can get one good egg from you and one good sperm from me, why don’t we just get a surrogate?" I’m so flummoxed by his "rationalization", I really have no way to answer that without lunging at him and ripping out his throat in frustration.

Let’s break that down, shall we?

One. Good. Egg.

HAHAHAHAhahahahahahaha. HA!………(one more time, with emphasis: HA!)

One. Good. Sperm.

Oh now you’re just embarrassing yourself. Stop, OK?

Get. A. Surrogate.

Of course! Let’s just run down to the Surrogate Store – the one downtown as the one on the corner is a little sketchy – and pick out a nice, if not slightly used, uterus, mmkay?

It’s not my uterus that’s the problem. It’s the two things you think we have that go in it, that’s the problem. It seems that any embryo we may create together (or one that is created via donor sperm) will not be Grade AA quality. A crappy embryo is a crappy embryo no matter what uterus you put it it. Even Momma Duggar’s uterus would probably reject an embryo made with my egg.

And this is where our RE comes back into the picture. We entered their clinic nearly two years ago with unexplained infertility. We were then diagnosed with MFI. After three miscarriages, it pretty much boils down to Shit for Eggs as well. What to do next? I don’t know.

I don’t know.

And therein lies my frustration with Mr. DD. I have no more answers to pull out of my ass for him. We are starting from scratch and just as I never would have imagined going to our first appointment two years ago by myself, I wouldn’t now when I feel our options are slowly being eliminated. I need him to be emotionally vested again in the process as this past year he has become quite detached except to get frustrated when I’m feeling particularly down and weepy. I’m sure it’s because he feels unable to help. That is not a position my husband will ever feel comfortable in.

He’s a born handyman. If I or someone in either of our families or even an acquaintance needs help with something, he is there. If he can’t fix it, he’ll set up arrangements to get it fixed. So, yes, I am angry and frustrated with him and what appears to be his standoffish behavior. But I’m trying to appreciate that he sees something broken and is completely frozen by the reality that there’s really nothing he can do to fix it. I am trying to make him understand that we have to ask for help. We need our clinic to hold our hands and lead us to the best option, instead of going with the option that’s most palatable to our egos. We may even have to hear, "There’s nothing more we can do."

That’s why he needs to be there. I will need someone to hold me up if we are to walk out of the clinic for the last time.

27 thoughts on “no. 408 – Machismo”

  1. My husband is a “fixer” too and it’s so hard for both of us when there is something that can’t be fixed. I’ll be thinking about you both as you work through this.

  2. I’m glad your DH is taking the day off. I feel for him: my DH is the emotionally invested on in our relationship. IF just freezes my brain: it all seemed so impossible for so long. Deep down I never thought it would work and I secretly resented having to do all the diagnostics and procedures. DH made every appt., gave every shot, counted out each pill and came to almost all appts.

    I don’t know if I can ever make it up to him. I hope I can show him the type of love you describe having for your DH.

  3. You and Mr DD will work this out together but it just takes them a little more time to come around than us pioneering women 😉

    Once you have found that shop with the good eggs, sperm, donor and surrogates, let me know and I hope they deliver worldwide!

    CSI??? Sexual issues??? Now you got my attention. Why are you still yammering about your uterus? It is all me, me, me with your ute.

  4. I saw a comment to Joy’s blog the other day & happened to click over here. I saw that you are from Nebraska, so I kept reading. (My hubby is from a tiny town in SW Nebraska and I lived in Omaha for 10 years – parents still live there.) I can’t completely understand your situation. Hubby and I had fertility issues as well, although we got lucky and I managed to struggle through a pregnancy and then we found the “problem.” I do remember though that my husband was never as emotionally invested in what was going on. It was the hardest time in our marriage because he didn’t understand why I was living and breathing this stuff 24/7 when he just thought about it whenever I nagged him enough to have an appointment or a conversation.

    Good luck to you. I’m sure I’ll be stopping by again.

  5. It was lovely to read your comment about Mr DD, I’m so glad you feel so clearly that he is yours forever. I’m utterly convinced that that belief really helps in working through these kinds of issues. Sounds like you are doing a good job at telling him what you need, keep it up. Those men of ours just aren’t very good at figuring that out for themselves.

    Hoping for that clinic visit, too.

  6. Oh DD that last sentance made me Cry!!! I have felt that pain before, the fear of “Sorry about you Luck”

    I am so glad that he is going to go with you though, they do need to realize that it is a “Team Sport” and that in order to play the game we all have to show up.

    Clark has done the same thing to me, and I know he doesn’t like the feeling now… Posting about that later… But they just don’t realize how important it is for us to have them there to hold our hands do they??

  7. Man it is all just so hard. Iam glad he is going with you. I know there have been times that my Grumps really didn’t want to go. He complained and literally drug his feet. It got to the point I would rather go alone or with a friend. How bad does that look? He finally realized that this is not just a me thing but he is part of it. I still would rather take a friend sometimes.

    I hope he surprises you. I hope he really surprises you. HUGS!

  8. This is a hard one. I jumped passed the comments today ’cause I have to run out the door this morning, but here are my initial thoughts: It’s difficult enough to try to understand and make sense of your own emotions (which understandably are all over the map). While in the midst of THAT, then step back and try to assess and deal with your mate’s range of feelings? You’re both too close and too far away from each other. I’m a relative newcomer to your blog and lack the history of last year, but have you considered counseling? It helped me tremendously at one point. A third party can dispassionately help untangle the tangled emotions. It’s one more appointment, I know, but it could help get some clarity for both of you…

  9. Oh, DD, I’m so glad that he’s going with you. Even if it is under protest. Do you think that having him read those last two paragraphs would help him understand?

    I hope for hope, answers, and a plan from this RE appointment. I hope that Mr. DD doesn’t need to scrape you off the sidewalk afterwards. I hope that *SO* much.


  10. My husband was such an asshole during our last treatment cycle that if I ever do decide to proceed with the FET I might not bother including him.

    Your post made me angry. Infertility is SO HARD ON EVERYONE. Why do the men make it even more difficult? I get it. They are affected too, but not in NEARLY the same capacity as we are. Why can’t they just “man up,” shut the fuck up and be goddam supportive???


  11. Noooooooooo – you mentioned Mama Duggar… ick ick ick – pwew pwew pwew…

    In other news – I like the idea of “infertility is a team sport” t-shirts. I’m glad to hear that Mr. DD was able to take the day off – sorry you had to be blunt. Sometimes that’s the only way to get them to understand. I’ve had to do it a few times with D to get the point across recently. It’s frustrating because it’d be so nice and convenient if they knew this stuff without being told. I am hoping that the next few weeks are going to allow the lines of communication to open (man that sounds like some yoga line) and that you both are going to go into this appointment stronger as a couple and less like individuals. (Hope that made sense)

  12. Hope your appointment gives you both a new sense of direction. And I am glad that Mr DD has now taken off the day (sorry though that you both have to take a whole day off just so see your RE.).

    I still believe Mrs. Duggar would make a great surrogate…

  13. Can we get “Infertility is a Team Sport” t-shirts made?

    Also, you totally distracted me with the CSI Nebraska thing…(The body in the lake?)

  14. Of course he will be there with you, even if he drags his feet a little. Because he loves you so much. At least you recognize how difficult this is for him, too. That is huge. My thoughts and prayers will be with you both on that day.

  15. Dear DD, ah yes, one good sperm… one good egg… how hard can it be? Joining you in helpless laughter.

    I think it’s great — and crucial — that Mr. DD comes along to your next appointment, to be reminded that he’s an integral part of all this — and to be there for you. And taking the day off is just the way it has to be, given the distance involved.

    I hope the appointment opens up a good way forward for both of you.

  16. If he wants to fix it, he needs to be there. That’s how he can help fix it. (I know you know this already, but…)Getting him more involved is the best thing for both of you.

  17. …And…I could never, ever imagine us not being married to each other for the rest of our lives. Even if he was to refuse to go. Even if he put his foot down and said “no more!”

    Mr. DD is the man I want to stay with, forever. Good and bad.

  18. Mr. DD has finally requested the day off. I had to put it to him bluntly (wordiness only aggrevates and confuses him): I need him to get back to being emotionally involved. He was taken aback and I could tell the words stung. I think the one advantage we have right now is that the appt is still a couple weeks away and we both have time to think about what we want together.

  19. Can you simply tell him that you need him? Perhaps I’m just being way too obvious here but it’s probably because I find it almost impossible to ask for help (even from my husband).
    I guess it would be the end of the IF blogger world if we all only needed 1 good egg, 1 good sperm and 1 good uterus to rent. Can I vote for this to happen?
    Can I also send hugs to the tae kwon do master and to you? I would also send to Mr. DD but I can just imagine the look on his face (with his eyes covered to mantain anonymity of course).
    As for taking the whole day off, if you have another child, it will mean a lot more time and effort than just taking one day off work (ah… I know that you get this, maybe just not your better half).

  20. Is he holding back because he is really uncomfortable with a sperm other than his own contributing to another child for your family? There definitely has to be fear of what you’ll hear, for both of you – but you are right in that you both need to hear it.

  21. He needs to be there for you, and it doesn’t matter what the destination is, if you need him, he has an obligation to be there for you.

    It’s part of being married. Especially if he wants to stay married.

  22. The third party is absolutely necessary.

    The trip there with him is completely necessary for him to reclaim some ownership in this process. And to educate himself.

    Buy some ear plugs. And vodka. Ride it out. For 2 weeks. Yup, a 2ww in silence. Go hang in the work bathroom for some grins.

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