no. 466 – The Maternal Heart’s Essence

For the past couple of nights I’ve been working on a new pet project. I still am undecided about starting and maintaining a real, live support group, so I thought I would try dipping my toes into something similar without as much pressure.

I’ll present the idea and you let me know what you think, or even if it’s already been done and that  I’m quite possibly a complete jackass for not knowing that already. It’s something similar to Babyblogorama, which I had the incredibly painful honor of requesting that my name be removed from the "Expecting in September" list after my first IVF. Someone had sent them my name and blog after I had posted my positive beta.

Even though the site has gone defunct, I appreciate what the author was trying to do, and that is to find a way for women/men or couples to connect with other people with similar situations in either trying or expecting.

My site is not nearly as "optimistic" as Babyblogorama, but I’m hoping it can create another sense of community, especially in the miscarriage and stillbirth segments. I’ve called it The Maternal Heart’s Essence: Remembering the Life We Never Met But Loved With All Our Heart.

To get an idea of what I’m doing with it, you can click on either the About This Site page or look at "11 November" or "06 June" to see what I’ve done in relationship to my own miscarriages.

If you think the site is in bad taste (my husband said "People want to forget those dates. Why would you do this to remind them?"), or that it’s been done and I’ve inadvertently copied someone else’s hard work, or even if you think the title/subtitle are cheesy beyond cheese, would you please feel free to let me know? Keep in mind I’m a delicate flower and will surely crumble to dust if you think it’s kind of dumb. No, really. I’ll be OK with it. The big girl panties are on and providing full coverage.

On the other hand, if you think this is something you would like to use to commemorate a loss date, please email me or leave a comment and I will add the informaton as I have time. Personally, I just used my loss dates because they were more real than the supposed due dates.

Alright then. Time to let me know what you think. You’ll have through the weekend since I’m going to treat myself tomorrow to a poisonous injection in a dermatologist’s office, then off to the antique show a few hours from me in Iowa. For Saturday and Sunday I’ve just been forcing myself not to blog. I’ve got my priorities, you know.

no. 465 – That Was One Hell of a Hump

Yesterday was a B-A-D day. It sucked, quite frankly. I had to open up my own site and look at my son’s picture multiple times to keep me from running from the building into the rain and never looking back. I blame the hormonal let-down combined with the ‘roids.

Of course it didn’t help that at one of my meetings I noticed the woman across the table from me sitting peculiarly, with her arms akimbo. Jesusonaritz! She’s pregnant! Nothing extraordinary about that, except she just had a baby born in August. Clearly she was 5-6 months along already.

I had a friend with a very colorful personality when I was living in Kansas who had a quaint saying for women like that: She didn’t sleep with her feet in no bucket.

Couple that with the attendance of my sweet, caring ER doctor, Dr. Marathon, who pulled me aside at the end of the meeting to ask how my ultrasound had went…

Yes, today I would have been scheduled for my 6 week ultrasound. Good thing I had that 3rd beta because the requisite freakingthefuckout would have already begun with all the bleeding I’d been doing for the past 36 hours. Because he was sincerely moved by my bad news whispered discreetly back to him, I had to quickly excuse myself to go sob in the bathroom.

When I got back to my office I then had to shut the door because I was a mess, complete with the blubbering, sniffling and snot draining.

As I was getting ready for bed, it started all over again. Mr. DD, bless his heart, even went ahead and mounted the under-cabinet radio I got for him for Father’s Day (he found it "hidden" in the garage). Major truce move since this morning he announced he didn’t like it because it had to be bolted to the cabinets. Well, duh.

He then came in to the bedroom and sat down next to me. The room was already dark, so I watched his silhouette as he said to me:

You cannot let it get to you, this business of being angry at every pregnant woman you see. If you do, it will eat you alive. If all you do is think about them, then you are not thinking of X, and when we get all done with this, he will have grown up without you.

Not only was that the sweetest blow I’ve had to the stomach lately, but it also echoed something someone else just recently wrote me in an email.

The control I so desperately want on my life is swirling the drain. While I wait for a donor, I think I’ll find a tampon or a drain plug and try to stem that flow. This bullshit has got to stop!

By the way, if you notice the time of this post? After two full days without hives, I woke up at 3:00ish to pee and was attacked by another round, this time on my elbows, buttocks and the back of my thighs. It looks like I’ll be getting some refills before heading to the beach NEXT SATURDAY!!!!!!