no. 465 – That Was One Hell of a Hump

Yesterday was a B-A-D day. It sucked, quite frankly. I had to open up my own site and look at my son’s picture multiple times to keep me from running from the building into the rain and never looking back. I blame the hormonal let-down combined with the ‘roids.

Of course it didn’t help that at one of my meetings I noticed the woman across the table from me sitting peculiarly, with her arms akimbo. Jesusonaritz! She’s pregnant! Nothing extraordinary about that, except she just had a baby born in August. Clearly she was 5-6 months along already.

I had a friend with a very colorful personality when I was living in Kansas who had a quaint saying for women like that: She didn’t sleep with her feet in no bucket.

Couple that with the attendance of my sweet, caring ER doctor, Dr. Marathon, who pulled me aside at the end of the meeting to ask how my ultrasound had went…

Yes, today I would have been scheduled for my 6 week ultrasound. Good thing I had that 3rd beta because the requisite freakingthefuckout would have already begun with all the bleeding I’d been doing for the past 36 hours. Because he was sincerely moved by my bad news whispered discreetly back to him, I had to quickly excuse myself to go sob in the bathroom.

When I got back to my office I then had to shut the door because I was a mess, complete with the blubbering, sniffling and snot draining.

As I was getting ready for bed, it started all over again. Mr. DD, bless his heart, even went ahead and mounted the under-cabinet radio I got for him for Father’s Day (he found it "hidden" in the garage). Major truce move since this morning he announced he didn’t like it because it had to be bolted to the cabinets. Well, duh.

He then came in to the bedroom and sat down next to me. The room was already dark, so I watched his silhouette as he said to me:

You cannot let it get to you, this business of being angry at every pregnant woman you see. If you do, it will eat you alive. If all you do is think about them, then you are not thinking of X, and when we get all done with this, he will have grown up without you.

Not only was that the sweetest blow I’ve had to the stomach lately, but it also echoed something someone else just recently wrote me in an email.

The control I so desperately want on my life is swirling the drain. While I wait for a donor, I think I’ll find a tampon or a drain plug and try to stem that flow. This bullshit has got to stop!

By the way, if you notice the time of this post? After two full days without hives, I woke up at 3:00ish to pee and was attacked by another round, this time on my elbows, buttocks and the back of my thighs. It looks like I’ll be getting some refills before heading to the beach NEXT SATURDAY!!!!!!

16 thoughts on “no. 465 – That Was One Hell of a Hump”

  1. First no guilt trips – please… I have enough of them for the both of us- seriously. Second – I don’t have anything worthwhile to say other than I am thinking of you, X, and Mr. DD frequently and wishing we lived closer to one another as I would take you out. You’re grieving and NO ONE can make that go quicker. Even when we want to… Don’t rush it… take as much time as you need.

  2. Your husband is a wise man, and he obviously loves you a great deal.

    Focus on the beach for a bit… staring out at the water always makes me feel better when things aren’t going well.

  3. I’m a fine one to talk seeing as we have similar stories and the sadness and anger that goes with it but not long ago I decided this bullshit, as you so eloquently put it :), had to stop because just coz I’m having problems carrying a healthy child to term and now even getting pregnant is an effing challenge, its not that pregnant women over there’s fault. She didn’t cause my malady so why should I resent her for being in a happy state. Just bad karma for me in the end, course you have to believe in that sort of thing, but I think you get my drift.

    Don’t you just hate it when husbands get so philosophical!


  4. I’m so sorry. Seems like this stuff is going around. Last night my husband and I had a knock-down drag out followed by a heart-filled discussion, basically about the fact that our life is out of control, we have no balance anymore, it’s starting to affect our daughter–particularly how we parent her, and how in the world do we move forward — particularly if this IVF doesn’t work. UGH — anyway, I feel for you and I hope your vacation helps. Big virtual hugs for you.

  5. I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to look at the good things when the bad keeps biting you in the ass. I hope that you are able to work your way through this soon. I am sending positive thoughts your way.

  6. Ah yes. I love the smell of sarcasm in the morning…….
    I too, use sarcasm/biting wit to mask my hurt-anger-shame-embarrasment-whatever.

    I hope that your vacation helps to ease some of this mental anguish and you never know…..maybe if you just relax :::ducking :::

  7. I do hide behind the sarcasm and probably too many pointed jokes at myself. “Ha ha! At least I’ll now be able to drink on my vacation and at my birthday party!” as if that was my preference in the first place.

    I’m doing it not just to protect myself, but to protect my friends and family from being an uncomfortable witness to my decline.

  8. I really hope you have a wonderful vacation. It will do you a lot of good to get out of town for a little while. If you’re heading to the Atlantic coast, I certainly hope this rain clears out for you. If you like to read, there is a completely hilarious, yet endearing book I can suggest – The Curious Incident of the Dog At Night.

    I think that Mr. DD ought to give you a backrub with the ocean in the background. Wouldn’t that be relaxing and amazing?

  9. Is it really anger? Or is it just sadness because it’s not you? I don’t know the answer for you. I just know that my sarcasm and bitterness is really more of a disguise to hide the fact that I’m just SAD about what has become of my dreams. And seeing another pregnant woman just reminds me of all that I’ve had to give up.

    And I feel like I can love my living son just fine and still feel what I feel. In fact, I think I’m a better mom BECAUSE I can look at him, appreciate him, and feel the sadness of maybe never knowing that again with another child. I’m not attacking your husband or anyone else’s point of view. I’m just saying how it is FOR ME. (Plus, I have a bad habit of resenting anyone who tells me how I SHOULD fee.)

  10. Yes. Your husband is right, the anger will eat you alive, but it’s how I dealt with infertility as well. Anger and quite a bit of laughter. I hope that things turn around very, very soon and that the wait for a donor is shorter than you ever imagined.

  11. Again I am so sorry. No words to make you feel better. If you lived closer to me I would say, “join me at happy hour tonight!” We could just bitch it out.

    This isn’t advice but just what I do now when I see a belly. I either turn my head and run. 🙂 That would be at work because they are all in my face! But my friends and strangers, I pray for them. It killed me at first but after I started just sending blessings their way it helped me. I still have that “I am so sad for myself feeling” but it helps with the anger that comes right after it. You could think for the best comment and throw it out there. I just had to do something positive. At one point I had like 5 pregnant ladies at work with me and about 5 in normal life. Then top it off with announcements. Let’s just say, I have been lapped more than it is possible.

    HUGS! I will drink a drink for you tonight!

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