no. 466 – The Maternal Heart’s Essence

For the past couple of nights I’ve been working on a new pet project. I still am undecided about starting and maintaining a real, live support group, so I thought I would try dipping my toes into something similar without as much pressure.

I’ll present the idea and you let me know what you think, or even if it’s already been done and that  I’m quite possibly a complete jackass for not knowing that already. It’s something similar to Babyblogorama, which I had the incredibly painful honor of requesting that my name be removed from the "Expecting in September" list after my first IVF. Someone had sent them my name and blog after I had posted my positive beta.

Even though the site has gone defunct, I appreciate what the author was trying to do, and that is to find a way for women/men or couples to connect with other people with similar situations in either trying or expecting.

My site is not nearly as "optimistic" as Babyblogorama, but I’m hoping it can create another sense of community, especially in the miscarriage and stillbirth segments. I’ve called it The Maternal Heart’s Essence: Remembering the Life We Never Met But Loved With All Our Heart.

To get an idea of what I’m doing with it, you can click on either the About This Site page or look at "11 November" or "06 June" to see what I’ve done in relationship to my own miscarriages.

If you think the site is in bad taste (my husband said "People want to forget those dates. Why would you do this to remind them?"), or that it’s been done and I’ve inadvertently copied someone else’s hard work, or even if you think the title/subtitle are cheesy beyond cheese, would you please feel free to let me know? Keep in mind I’m a delicate flower and will surely crumble to dust if you think it’s kind of dumb. No, really. I’ll be OK with it. The big girl panties are on and providing full coverage.

On the other hand, if you think this is something you would like to use to commemorate a loss date, please email me or leave a comment and I will add the informaton as I have time. Personally, I just used my loss dates because they were more real than the supposed due dates.

Alright then. Time to let me know what you think. You’ll have through the weekend since I’m going to treat myself tomorrow to a poisonous injection in a dermatologist’s office, then off to the antique show a few hours from me in Iowa. For Saturday and Sunday I’ve just been forcing myself not to blog. I’ve got my priorities, you know.

16 thoughts on “no. 466 – The Maternal Heart’s Essence”

  1. I think anything you can do to get through, find and/or offer support is wonderful. I’ll keep my eyes open for additional resources.

  2. I think the site is a lovely idea DD, and like others have said, it will work for some and not for others.

    Practically, for me, the date the miscarried baby would have been born is almost worse than the day I knew I would have a miscarriage. Or the day I had the ERPC. Which day to commemorate? it turns into a whole sad time, the first 2 weeks of June.

    Thank you for doing this.

  3. I LOVE THIS! I left a comment on the site. My friend and I were just talking about this. She has had 3 miscarriages in the past 1 1/2. She doesn’t want to forget her dates. She just wants them out there. I feel the same way. I worry about forgetting. I don’t ever want to forget. I just need a safe place to put them.

    THANK YOU!!!

  4. DD,

    I just posted a link on my blog to a site about mourning/grieving a miscarriage.

    It has some links at the bottom to support groups, chat rooms, etc…, that may also be of interest.

    This sucks, doesn’t it? When I am emperor of the universe, miscarriages will be outlawed.


  5. I disagree with Mr. DD, in that people want to forget those dates. Sometimes I feel as if I struggle to make those around me *remember* my pain. Just writing that sounds sick and twisted, but it’s true. Our losses are very real to us, and while yes, one should strive to live in the moment with what we already have, it is true that grief is not linear. Sometimes you just need a place to let it out and wallow on occasion. What is helpful to one person may not be best for another, and each individual can decide what they need at that very given moment. Infertility is hard. Infertility and loss sucks. infertility, repeated losses, and having to give it up is torture on the soul. Whatever salve soothes it, I say.

  6. DD – I think it’s a fabulous site… Today is a hard day for me and I feel as if I keep looking over my shoulder waiting for the boogeyman to come out. 2 of my losses still bother me more than the rest and I don’t have any idea why… they just do. But all of my losses have hurt and ultimately I remember if no one else does.

    Sending lots of hugs and tissue your way… as well you made me cry and if you don’t need a hug – I certainly do.

  7. DD,

    I think it’s a great site. And, my losses are not fresh, but frankly, grief comes in waves. There are weeks and months where I’ve been okay and then one of my living children does something or says something, and I’m back there. It’s not a linear thing. Emotions aren’t nice and neat that way.

    But I do think that you need to meet some people in real life as well. Even if you don’t start an official support group, ask your RE to put something up in his office and you could meet some women for coffee here and there. Those real life hugs–are sooo good.

  8. I don’t think you should shelve the site – but rather understand that there may be times that people can’t contribute and can’t read. Similar to a pregnancy blog. I like the idea of knowing it’s there – it helps knowing you’re not alone. A tribute is a beautiful thing, but it shouldn’t become an obsession either. Don’t loose yourself in your plight.

  9. Kellie, I appreciate your honesty. I need to know what others are thinking that may not have the wounds yet so raw like me.

    I would suspect that there are many more who feel as you do and weren’t sure how to tell me. If that is so, then I will put it on the shelf.

  10. First, please remember that I adore you and I know you’re hurting right now and the last thing I would want to do is hurt you more. I like the idea of the site – but it isn’t something *I* could personally participate in. Mainly because when it’s in my face all the time – I deal with nothing else and frankly my family deserves more from me. Ending my blog, while I wouldn’t suggest anyone doing it in the abrupt manor I did – re-grounded me with my family. I wasn’t heading toward a good place. It was time for me to stop living for the babies I wasn’t brining home and worry about the ones that were already here and needing me. And maybe it’s easier for me to say that because I have two at home – but it doesn’t lessen the pain of what I’ve left behind either. And it doesn’t help in the fact that the one man I love more than life itself will never have a child of his own – because of *me*.

    You do whatever you need to do to get through this DD – you’re a tough cookie. The site is lovely, it made me cry. I could visit – but doubt I could share. I’m sure it would help others – especially those with new, open wounds.

    -She who also wears the big girl panties.

You can say it here.

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