no. 489 – Material Loss

It’s been a rough weekend. I think it’s the combination of many things that have been weighing on me that made me teeter between taking off the head of any person who dared glance at me to literally collapsing to the floor to cry.

I found out that I’m number ten on the waiting list at my clinic for a donor. You need to know that they get approximately one donor a month. One donor to match to two recipients. You do the math.

It’s CD17 and there’s nothing to indicate I am going to ovulate.

There were a couple of pregnancy announcements by some friends of ours.

We attended my husband’s 25th class reunion. You don’t realize how old you are until you see a room of your peers.

It was then this post by Jen about maternity clothes that tied up my guts and made it difficult for me to focus beyond my sadness to see much or any of the good that may have been around me.

Over a year ago I took every piece of maternity clothing I had and gave it to someone I knew pregnant with her first child. Maternity clothing is expensive and it can be hard for the average person to justify the cost for something that may only be worn 4-5 months.

I was one of those “average persons”. I remember shopping the first time for maternity clothes somewhere around four months pregnant with X. My sister accompanied me and was willing to give me a more than honest opinion of the items available. I would strap on the fake bump and laugh at the idea that I would ever be big enough to fill out any of the pieces.

I remember the funky maternity jeans with the flared bottoms that were just as hip as any non-maternity jeans and I wore them for almost every casual occasion. I remember the dupioni silk top in a deep red that I wore to a formal fundraiser with the black boot cut slacks with high heels when I was over 8 months pregnant. I remember the striped horizontal turtleneck sweater that I wore to my baby shower.

While I hated them all, I saved them…just in case.

I was so happy when I was able to retire them to the far reaches of my closet.

I was so happy that someone else would finally get some use out of them. I also thought in some cosmic way that my selflessness in letting someone wear those clothes would somehow grant me some immunity from all the bad luck we had been experiencing.

When I got pregnant with Wolf and we saw a heartbeat, I was worried about how I would ask for the clothes back as I hadn’t been clear as to whether I was loaning or giving her the clothes. I knew I would have to ask since she had just delivered her baby and nothing had been mentioned about returning the clothes.

My concern was for naught as I went on to miscarry Wolf at 8 weeks.

Now that I’ve had yet another miscarriage since then, I wonder if maybe she knows that I’ll never be pregnant again and therefore would have no need of them. They are probably long gone by now. I have no idea.

The very idea that I may never need those stupid clothes back, even though I KNOW I would end up getting all new stuff anyway, just breaks me.

I wonder if I hadn’t just kept those clothes, it would have told whoever it is controlling my destiny that I was serious about having another baby. Maybe by giving them up as well as all the baby clothes and furniture it was misunderstood as my giving up on the dream. For the first time in a long time I am really regretting those things not taking up space in my attic or basement. I’m scared that by giving those things away I gave away the hope and dreams I had for our future.

What if I fucked up? What if instead of promoting good karma, I did the opposite? It makes me nearly ill with grief to imagine it.

I know I can get new things and that I shouldn’t fret over something so ridiculous, but now I have nothing around me anymore to remind me of what we have been struggling so hard for. Shouldn’t I have kept something so that my desire wouldn’t appear disingenuous? If I really wanted another baby, shouldn’t I have a nursery ready to go? Shouldn’t I have a dresser full of baby clothes? Wouldn’t these be proof of my intentions and that we plan on doing everything we can to reach that point?

Right now, I am feeling more alone and helpless than I have in a long time. I haven’t written a post where I cried all the way through it in a long time.

It all feels so utterly futile.

34 thoughts on “no. 489 – Material Loss”

  1. I’m sorry that you’re having such a rough time recently. I think that if there is a great big someone out there, or if the universe is keeping track, that your desire for another child is plain to see. I don’t think that not keeping maternity clothes or baby stuff would outweigh all the outpourings of your soul you’ve done in this space. xox.

  2. Oh, the terrible terrible sadness running through you. I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time.

    I am hoping fervently that this time next year you’ll be living in a brand new set of ugly maternity clothes (because, like you said, it’s stuff to hate).

  3. I went and read Jen’s post on this as well, and I must say that you didn’t do anything to upset the universe, but sometimes it sure does feel that way, huh. I lent out my clothes too, but made sure I kept some pieces with the hope and prayer that I can recall a time when I was pg.

    Hugs girl!

    And as far as the donor thing go…I have a feeling it will go way faster than you think. 😀

  4. I still have all my clothes and we are both in the same boat. All it means is that life is shit sometimes no matter how hard you try to make it otherwise.

    We can buy new clothes when the time comes – I’m sure we’ve both grown out of that turn of the century look by now.

  5. For me, the magical thinking was the worst, worst part of the whole infertility/loss process. DD please, please don’t torture yourself.

    Thinking of you and sending love and peace.

  6. Sending you a big hug, DD. We all know it’s crazy to make those bargains with the fates… if I give away my bouncy seat, it’ll be good karma for getting pregnant again… or set up little tests… if I offer the stroller for sale and no one buys it, that means I’m meant to keep it because I’m going to have another child… but we all do it anyway.

    I know it’s such a long time to wait to cycle again, but you’re chugging along on that list and you’ll be at the top of it one day. We’re all cheering you on from the sidelines!

  7. Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I wish I were there to give you a hug and listen, but as it is I hope with all my heart that your wait for a donor is shorter than you expect.

    I don’t personally believe in karma when it comes to fertility — I’ve seen too many negative examples to think there’s any rhyme or reason to this business — but I know that kindness begets love, and that you are more loved than you probably even realize.

    May this time of sadness be over for you soon, my dear.

  8. I hope you move up the list. I have not struggled with infertility, but I have bee in difficult situations where I found myself turning to magical thinking and ruminating over the what if I had ____. Both silly and terrible at the same time. I feel for you.

    And karma wise,passing items along to a friend seems a good bet. You gave unselfishly, hell, the environment probably even benefited somehow.

  9. Oh I keep a karma scorecard too. And I have to agree with Aurelia about it, I don’t think karma is looking at it. I think you’d be thinking the same thing if you kept them. Control is such a huge part of this thing. We are all pretty with-it women who believe that the more you want something and harder you work for it, then the easier it will be. But that isn’t what happens in life and wrapping one’s head around that is just so hard. I’m sorry you are just “On the list” but I pray that it will move fast for you.

  10. The power of magical thinking.

    If you still had the clothes you’d probably feel the same way, I’m guessing. I hope and hope that you will need them soon. And if they’re long gone, you’ll buy more. ((HUGS))

  11. I’m so sorry, DD. I wish I knew the way to alleviate your feelings, but I never found it. IF is torture.

    My SIL L gave my her old maternity clothes, after her last failed cycle. She wasn’t going to do another fresh cycle and she wanted to give her all frosties from the last fresh go a chance. At the time I was pregnant and terrified, just back from an emergency room visit. In retrospect, she was handing off her dream to me, willing my pregnancy to succeed. I remember she was crying.

    I wasn’t anywhere near thankful enough. I thought by having the clothes I was jinxing myself. Now I pray every day I’ll be able to give those clothes to her sister K, who although she is ten years younger than we are is struggling with year two of clomid cycles. I wish so much I could give them back to L, but I’m afraid to ask if she’s still trying. I know she’s probably hurting.

    Who am I kidding, I hope to God I can use them again myself. How I hate hate that rollercoaster.

    After reading your post I think I’ll try to talk to her.

  12. I sold most of my clothes in a yard sale about 18 months ago before we left Alaska. I cried putting price tags on everything. I cried when people bought them. I cried when I saw their empty spot in my closet. We won’t even discuss how hard it was for me to sell Dani’s baby clothes.

  13. I loaned a few things to some people and they were returned begrudgingly, and sometimes not at all, so I’ve become the hoarder instead. And now the woman paying for a storage locker full of baby things and maternity clothes. So no, karma does not reward us for giving things away or throwing them away. Karma seems to not have a fucking clue in fact.

    Even when my husband threw away our crib without telling me, it only meant that I was more angry at him, not that my fertility improved.

    As far as the cost of replacing yours when you do need them? Ebay, and there are a bunch of wonderful online sources. THAT we can fix, hon.

    As far as the donor question, I’m assuming that your niece said no?

  14. DD, I’m so sorry it’s all so damn rough right now–the wait, the clothes, everything. I hope you get the clothes back soon, and that you need them sooner!

  15. I gave it all away in the hopes that it would cause the powers that be to look in the other direction. If I didn’t want it so bad, if it looked like I was more relaxed about it, then maybe, just maybe, it would happen.

    My point being: we can look at any of our actions as a “sign” (for good or ill), but there’s no guarantee that it means anything.

    Wishing you a more peaceful mind in the days ahead, DD.

  16. Oh, I am so sad for you. I could sense the sadness in your post before I read the last few lines. It sucks that you have to wait so long for a donor – yes it will be here soon, but because it is not today it sucks. Waiting and IF go hand in hand (as you very well know) and with a huge helping of disappointment thrown in you have a solid recipe for despair and extreme sadness. I guess what I am trying to say is that you can not be too hard on yourself – you are going through a lot right now and what would help you move on seems out of reach for the moment. IT is often the rationally “small” things, which are actually not small at all, that end up bugging me the most in this process. I remember hosting a baby shower for some friends and I put up some onesies for decoration – when I say put up, I mean really put up in a way that the soon-to-be father had to struggle to get them down. He took them and assumed that they were for his keeping and I was crushed. Never mind that I was already emotionally distraught from having to throw the freaking shower int he first place (long story) but he took my one little piece of hope with him. Your clothes meant something different to you at each stage of your process and that is only natural – to want back something that represents what you had and now desperately want again is only human nature.

  17. the wait is awful no matter what, I hope it goes much faster than you expect.

    In terms of how you’re feeling, you’ve been through so much loss I’m not surprised you’re struggling to feel good about anything, and the maternity clothes are an extraordinary symbol of what you’ve lost.

    Hang in there, we’ll be here.

  18. You’re post just made me so sad. There is no connection with giving your maternity clothes away and infertility. Actually to give something away to someone who needs it is a very thoughtful thing that would never be paid back in a negatve way. I’ve never owned any maternity clothing, but I think I can understand because I still have a pair of Ditto’s in my closet, why I don’t know but I’m sure it has something to do with not wanting to let go of the past for me.

  19. I wish that the universe could be affected or influenced by acts such as these. But it can’t, although it’s just as much comforting as it is torturing to believe that it can. I still have a few maternity clothes left over, not because I’m nostalgic, but because they were expensive. If it helps, think of me hanging onto them for you and telling the universe that “see, DD does want another baby! Here’s proof from Pea in a Pod! And you can’t get better than that!!”

  20. If you’d kept the clothes you’d probably be thinking that having them showed you overconfidence and was goading the universe into jinxing. If you’re looking for bad signs, you can pretty much always find them. Which shows that *they don’t mean anything at all* But you already knew that.

    You’re not helpless and you’re certainly not alone.

  21. I’ve lent out my maternity clothes in the past, to a friend who had her baby when we’d already been trying for over a year. I kept thinking that I’d hate to ask for them back while she was still pregnant, but I just KNEW I would get pregnant quickly and need them again.

    When she returned them a few months after her son was born, it was far, far sadder to pack them away again than I’d ever expected. I should have NEEDED them by then. Instead, her son is now 19 months old and they’re still sitting in my basement. It breaks my heart.

    Your post also breaks my heart. I hate that you’re hurting so badly and I wish there was something I could do.

  22. *sigh*

    I have hope for you yet. Somehow. And? You can have mine. Except they’d be like, capris because I’m guessing since you’re a former mega supermodel, you’re taller than I am. Haha. Although, I think I gave my shirts to goodwill. I seriously finally bought regular jeans last week.

    How’s that for passing on good karma?

  23. I engage in magical thinking pretty often, the good kaarma, bad vibes, everything happens for a reason stuff. But I don’t think any of it is true.

    You can’t trick the universe into giving or not giving you a baby. You want one. You are determined. You are persistent. You have set into motion a new plan. You are doing everything in your powers. You will achive your goal. So, whether old, well loved (or hated) maternity clothes will be worn (or all brand new) . . . it won’t change the fact that you will get there.

    I believe that with all my heart.

  24. It’s never futile. A friend of mine, who knows the road I traveled well, called me after this 4th m/c when I was in the state which I call “hopeless and defeated”. I said I don’t know if I can hack this disappointment anymore. She asked if we will try again, and I said “yes, I have to”. She reminded me that if the will is there to move forward, then of course we move forward.

    A couple months back, I gave away all the baby items I had been keeping from when David was a baby. I cried the next day thinking it was a sign that I had given up. A couple days later, I opened that closet and was happy I had room to add my shoe organizer.

    Crazy, I know. But just because the baby items are gone does not mean I have given up. We all have those days. Our destiny is not in the attic, our hopes and desires are on the inside, in our hearts. Not moving anywhere.


  25. As soon as you need the Bjorn back, its on its way…and I know you’ll need it cuz you’re gonna have that baby. I know you will. I will keep it as a loan up until you are ready to put that supermodel baby safely in it.

    Huge hugs,

  26. As soon as you need the Bjorn back, its on its way…and I know you’ll need it cuz you’re gonna have that baby. I know you will. I will keep it as a loan up until you are ready to put that supermodel baby safely in it.

    Huge hugs,

  27. Oh sweetie, I know how deadly the wait can be. I comfort myself with the fact that it does not matter how old I get but the age of the donor. Small comfort but you are on the list! I make the wait pass by having lots of little plans and treats to look forward to. It does make the time go by quicker and it means some badly-needed fun is had too. Sending you a big sloppy smooch )(

  28. After making the big decision re DE, finding there may be a long wait must be a huge blow. No wonder you’re low.

    I have a strange relationship to maternity and baby clothes, too. In my case, i bought some Summer maternity stuff off ebay with my first mc, even though it looked doomed, almost as if that would make a difference!

    But then< i gave away a lot of baby clothes, even since we started the DE.

  29. Just because you’re number 10 does not mean it will take as long as you fear it will… I know pollyanna is out and present, but seriously… here’s hoping that the clinic has an influx of donor canidates. As for the maternity clothes – Jen’s post made me ill… if someone was nice enough to loan me maternity clothes I would not give them away or get rid of them without asking them if it was okay. As for the connection between giving them away and not having a second child on the way – there is no connection. Honest. I think right now you’re searching for answers… and unfortunately answers can be seen in many different ways, just figuring out which is the true answer is the giant question all of us have to contend with.

    Hang in there DD… you are doing what you need to do to make the dream of a second child a reality. Know we’re here rooting for you – namely me, D, and the 6 dogs as well as NN. Know I’m thinking of you!

  30. It’s not futile – you’re on da list and hopefully ready to go this year.
    I got rid of all the baby equipment and so by your reasoning, that should have ensured that we never had a second child?
    You want a second child, I know that, you know that and the universe in general knows that. Having old maternity clothes in storage would simply be redundant, no?
    Hang in there DD, you are doing all the right things even if it doesn’t feel that way.

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