The Ball

…is not just rolling, it is suddenly spinning at a mind-boggling rpm.

Tonight is the first night in 38 days that I will not have to give myself an injection.

No alcohol wipes, which are drying out my index finger and thumb to the point I can snag my nylons.

No need to remember just which thigh did I inject last night and then thinking oh shit!after I realize after I gave myself the Lupron that it was the same thigh.

No need to use a freckle or mole as my target area.

Unfortunately, tonight is my only reprieve from the needle.

Tomorrow night I start the PIO.

Friday morning Mr. DD goes in to provide the sample for spinning and washing and fertilization of our donors eggs.

I will then be contacted on Saturday regarding fertilization status. I’ve forgotten just how stressful those three days between retrieval and transfer can be.

Transfer will be Monday, if there’s anything worth a crap to transfer, which I’m pretty sure there will be but the pessimistic side of me also knows that it’s within the realm of possibility that there won’t.

The realm of possibility…


Today I moved my 23rd bloglines’ feed from “Infertility Sucks” to “Pregnant and Hating It” category on bloglines. It marks the first time since I started blogging over two years ago that the pregnant have outnumbered the waiting.

For those who have made it to that next category, forgive me if I don’t stop by much, if at all, these next few weeks. It’s too hard for me to do. I can blame the timing, or my hormones, or my busy schedule, but it’s none of these.

I just can’t bear to be the one to break the streak that seems to be running rampant lately and maybe by distancing myself a little before that possibility, it won’t be so noticeable if I stop coming by indefinitely.

no. 552 – It’s Time

I’m giving kudos to Niobe for what I have decided to do next:

In honor of National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo), which begins November 1st, I have decided to take a break from blogging during this month.

Here, anyway.

I’ll keep the updates coming on the password protected site, TKO, but I just can’t be here right now.

This blog has seen me through the beginnings and endings of three pregnancies. It obviously is not doing the trick so I’m distancing myself for now.

I have also decided for sake of sanity to give myself some space from reading as well. As I mentioned on my new post over at TKO, I just moved the 23rd bloglines’ feed from “Infertility Sucks” to “Pregnant and Hating It.” The number of feeds now pregnant outnumber the waiting for the first time I’ve subscribed to Bloglines.

While that is great news, especially if you are one who is pregnant, I have decided to internalize that energy for my own needs.

I have to.

Call it self-preservation if you like, but remember that I once said that if this next last cycle fails, I wouldn’t need this space anyway. So I’ll try weaning myself now.

It seems right to do it in deference to November and everything it has meant for me in the past and for everything it could mean about my future.

Since I can never say never, here’s a little something I’d like to credit The Bloggess for as well. I really hope with all my heart I get to see everyone on the flip side.


no. 550 – I’ve Almost Forgotten How To Have Fun

Mr. DD did not surprise me at the fund-raiser Saturday night by showing up unexpectedly like he did two years ago. Instead he did something that I could never show enough appreciation for:

  1. He provided free babysitting service to XBoy and I didn’t have to worry about him spending the whole time on his cell phone talking to his friends
  2. He let me sleep in Sunday morning
  3. He took XBoy grocery shopping so I could take an afternoon cat-nap

I think I could get use to the arrangement. Plus, I made him very happy, too: I didn’t spend one nickel.

I enjoyed the six watered down raspberry martinis, one glass of wine and the shot of liquor for my coffee. I did not enjoy my over-done steak or the cheesecake desert. For the record, I loathe cheesecake of any kind. What’s wrong with a really moist chocolate cake anyway?

I also enjoyed meeting the couple my friends invited along as the fifth duo for our table. I wasn’t sure what to think of her after I pointed out that I had already met her husband at my office because he hadn’t recognized me and she responded by saying, "If you had been wearing that dress, I’m sure he would have remembered you."

I found that funny since the dress I wore this year covered considerably more skin that last year’s number, but it’s one outstanding feature was its plunging neckline. While this bra is less than comfortable, it does do the job it was designed to do, almost a good of job as my spanx did in disguising my saddle bags.

The wife ended up being quite a hoot, though, as she liquored loosened up. Once she realized the dress was just for "show" and I had no intent in being the event’s token cougar, we bonded and giggled openly about the woman who showed up looking like a FemBot (unintentionally) and another one who stumbled her way into the ladies room looking quite green in the gills. Yes, I’m an evil, snark-filled bitch.

As the evening was wearing down, she started asking personal questions first about what Mr. DD was like; then about my son; and of course, why we had just one child. Another friend of ours who was there with us just smiled knowingly at me. I asked this woman if she really wanted to know and her face scrunched up with embarrassment and she apologized for being nosy. I just smiled and told her the "high" points of the past three years.

Here’s the weird thing, as I have never been shy about our infertility so breaking it down by numbers comes easily: after I told her what we were getting ready to do now, she smiled broadly and said, "Oh! That sounds so exciting!" and you know what? It really is kind of exciting.