no. 571 – Yes, You Knew I Had To Do A 2007 In Review

January – Spent most of it recovering from Miscarriage #3, Wolf

February – Posted an abnormal number of picture posts including this one.

March – Wow. I bored myself with the number of posts on basically nonsense.

AprilWe met with our RE for the first time following our miscarriage to discuss what next in our treatment, including the possibility of a couple more dIUI and donor egg.

May – Marked the donor sperm IUI that wasn’t donor. It also marked pregnancy number five (and later miscarriage number four) that should have been.

JunePainful, painful, painful.

July – I prepared for the long wait on the donor egg list by focusing on the positive.

August – I met in real life my new bestest blogging friend and my old best friend and her new baby.

September – I continued on with a severe case of The Bitters.

OctoberCompleted many of the necessary steps in preparation of the Donor Egg cycle, which only took a couple of months to be matched, but a couple more to actually get there.

November – There were 21 posts in October. Only 3 in November as I was in the middle of my Donor Egg cycle documented over here.

December – I’m marveling over the fact that in 2007 I was pregnant twice but didn’t have any D&Cs.

For many of those who came before me, 2007 was your year – finally. The sheer number of those I wish for 2008 to be "their" year, including myself, is overwhelming.

Thank you for helping me make it through this past year when I really didn’t know if I could.

SNOW & PUKE

The snowy special affects? Wow. It just proves to me that you all are easily amused. Apparently so am I.

I’ve been meaning to explain to the newbies (new since Spring 2006, so just about everyone) that the email address you may see in my responses to your comments, ddknockedup@yahoo.com, was not taken on as a direct result of Murdock’s appearance. Instead, it was my original email from 2005 to match my blog, knockedupthenknockeddown.blogspot.com. Unfortunately, wordpress registers you based on an email and instead of creating ANOTHER email address (I currently have 5 yahoo and 1 gmail), I just went with this one. Judge me not.

Congratulations to me. I puked Saturday morning about an hour after breakfast. Strangely, Captain Crunch tastes the same coming up as it does going down. Take my word for it.

I also bought a bellaband. The jury is still out however I admit I like how it bridges the unsightly gap between my just-a-little-too-short sweater and the zippered region of my pants. It’s the first purchase as a direct relationship to this pregnancy that I did not have to pick up from a pharmacist.

Happy New Year, everyone. At least I hope it is.

no. 570 – Pandora

Thanks for the bitch-slapping. I guess I am the one paying the bills on this blog and until some generous benefactor comes along and donates the $54.andsomeoddcents a year, I will carry on with business as usual.

I guess I was worried that I wouldn’t have anything of interest to offer. I’m not puking 24/7 or bleeding or cramping or gestating quints. There’s no drama! Where’s the fothermucking drama?!

I still have quite a bit of concern in the next few weeks because everything looked this normal with Vivienne as well. And even after that, there’s no telling how this will end. Hell, I could be on the op table getting my c-section and I could go into cardiac arrest…(note to self, need to leave instructions with husband on how to update blog in case of untimely demise because fellow bloggers will be pissed if I stopped blogging all together).

What I’ve been thinking about more than ever is telling. Mr. DD told the secretary at work because she knew about the donor egg cycle. I told the So. Co. niece two weeks ago. And that’s it. Not even our parents know. . . even though Mr. DD’s mother has been asking every time she sees him. She never asks me.

When I brought home the 10 wk scan picture yesterday, I had it on the fridge to show Mr. DD. He asked if I showed XBoy and I stared back at him as if he had grown a penis right out between his eyes (no, not with wonder…stop it). I would love nothing more than to tell XBoy, but I would also hate nothing more than to tell him after the fact: "Nope, sorry. No baby sister/brother for you this summer. Just kidding!"

I’ve read online some suggestions on when to tell, but it just makes me feel sick how blithely these experts answer the question ("tell them when the pregnancy is well established" – WTF?). I thought about telling XBoy when/if I can feel Murdock move so it can become something more than just an abstract anomaly. That means a possibility of another 8 weeks or so. It’s doable except for one minor snag: I have to tell my mother very soon.

Why do I have to tell my Mom? Well, she’s heading to Jordan to see my sister and she’ll be gone for three months. I don’t think she’ll be too happy to come back and find me (surprise!) obviously pregnant. But by telling my Mom, I risk someone letting the cat out of the bag in front of my son before I have told him and I can’t tell you how that makes me shudder to think that my son could hear it from anyone other than his Mom and Dad.

It’s just been hard keeping it a secret. And while it’s exciting, it also has that very distinct odor of Pandora’s Box that I’m just not ready to deal with right now.

no. 569 – Quarter

I’ve made it through one quarter of a pregnancy – 10 weeks. With this last appointment, I have been instructed to seek a "prenatal" appointment with an OB; wean myself off the estrace; reduce my PIO shots to just one every other day for another week (damn!); and scheduled my "Ultra Scan" which is what my RE’s clinic calls the Nuchal Tranlucency Screening test in another two weeks.

So, now that we’ve got that out of the way, we need to talk.

I’ve learned a lot about blogging in 2 1/2 years. I learned a lot about myself and infertility. I have developed a list in my head over the years of what I would do if I was ever to get (and theoretically stay) pregnant.

I will post ultrasound pictures

I will not post belly shots

I will not nickname the pregnancy after something edible (Peanut, Raisin, Goober, etc.)

I will not set up blinkies or tickers

I will not compile a birth plan

I will not post a 12-part birth story

Etc.

Etc.

Notice all the "Don’ts"?

I thought I was rather confident about my one "Do" – Continue to Blog.

But now? I just don’t know what you want to read about as I’ve based my above opinions on what irked me in the past (if I was able to get past the envy, pick my ass off the floor, and continue to read someone’s blog after they got pregnant). Obviously the "relationship" we had has changed. It’s not even a subtle change, either. It’s palatable, trust me.

I am out of my element.

Infertility….

Miscarriages…..

These were my comfort zones, as sick as that may sound, so now I flounder. I know that for many, you don’t know what to say, what to offer, but I seriously can’t find my voice in an empty forest.

no. 568 – Monster

angry when i see pregnant women after my loss

That was a google search that brought someone by my blog recently.

I still remember vividly the weeks that followed the loss of Vivienne because it was during the Holidays and I had to get gift shopping done. Never before had I noticed how many women out and about were pregnant. It was like the movie, Phenomenon, where a man suddenly acquires amazing powers after experiencing a flash of light out of the night sky.

My first miscarriage was that flash out of nowhere that suddenly opened my eyes to emotions I never had before, much less even heard of: the feelings of anger and jealousy towards pregnant women. See my last post if in doubt.

Those feelings have never wavered in three years. Not even my current pregnancy has helped soften the blow. I can only try to temper the emotions by reminding myself that maybe it wasn’t as easy for them as one would presume. That’s exceptionally hard because I know for the vast majority of women, it really was that easy. I mean, it was really that easy for me in the beginning.

So I find long after the visual onslaught of a bulging belly, I still wage the war in my head that keeps me from glaring too obviously at the back of some strangers head as they waddle out of site. I feel that blackness of jealousy and I know without a doubt, I always will. That’s just how I am emotionally.

I apologize if I hurt anyone’s feelings or let anyone down with my last post. The emails came in from several bloggers wondering if it was them and I could not deny that I felt it towards any one of them at some point or another. Something just snapped in me last week as I just couldn’t take it anymore. And while I know that I’m entitled to express myself here, supposedly without censure, I shouldn’t use that as an excuse to be spiteful, especially to those who have been there for me in the past.