First I have a PIO horror story and then I’ll wrap it up with something not-so-light.

Since the time I had to do my own PIO while Mr. DD was out of town, I have continued giving them to myself even when he’s around. It’s not as bad as I imagined, plus they weren’t as nearly as painful as when Mr. DD gave me my shots. Can’t explain it.

Saturday night, per my routine, I shot myself on the left hip. When I finished I couldn’t understand why something was still coming out of the injection site even though the needle had long been withdrawn. It looked like a dark thick string…

It was blood.

My arse had taken on the distinct characteristics of the Dutch dyke that had sprung a leak.

For a few seconds I watched the blood shoot out horizontally for a couple of inches and drop to the floor. I must of said, “Oh shit!” as my husband came around to see what had happened. By then, I had grabbed a tissue and pressed it over the gusher.

On the tiles beneath me was a plate-size blood splatter. I looked at it. I looked up at Mr. DD. Then I promptly burst into tears, bordering on hysterical.

I was so traumatized that I had Mr. DD do my shot last night.

I should note that I’ve never have pulled the plunger back after the injection to see if there’s blood. I don’t know what it means if there is, I just know I’m not injecting myself twice in one night.

To make matters worse, I’m convinced that Murdock is dead. I woke up this morning in a panic and have been trying to come up with some good excuse to get an ultrasound this week as well as next. Since the only reason I have is extreme paranoia and fear, I’m afraid a request will fall on deaf ears.

I try to push the image of seeing an empty gestational sac out of my head by imagining how things will be if this works out. I try to imagine myself fat and cumbersome. I try to imagine the guest room as anything but. I try to imagine myself worn out by chasing around two children…but guess what?

The images just won’t come to me. They are unimaginable. Literally. They all get pushed away by an ultrasound screen with black and white blurring together punctuated by a black hole filled with a frozen nothingness.

If there’s a hell, this would be it for me.

39 thoughts on “FOURTH BITTEN”

  1. Personally, early pregnancy is hell. It’s one giant mindfuck.

    And there’s nothing you can do except wait and hope. And keep distance between yourself and what might or might not become a real baby.

    All you can do is wait it out and hang on through the hell.


  2. DD-I don’t know of this happens to other women but I found that when I was pregnant I had some of the most horrid thoughts and dreams. I was certain S2 and S3 were going to die because all the other pregnancies had ended that way. Truthfully I didn’t stop having those thoughts till late in the pregnancy when I knew that even if they were early, they could survive. I have to wonder if the hormones are messing with your head like they did mine. I had never felt such odd sadness or foreboding even when I had pregnancies that failed. Very weird.

  3. I think your feelings are completely justified. I firmly believed that one or both of the girls were going to die at any moment for literally my entire pregnancy, and my fears never abated at all. My only words during my c-section were “Are they alive?” Probably the doctors thought i was nuts, but it seemed like a valid question to me.

  4. I remember the fear. After each ultrasound I would be content for about 2 days before the fear would start up again. It just isn’t fair. I just wish we could be one of those women that go through their entire pregnancy smiling and planning for the future without once thinking the worst. I definitely think you should call for an extra ultrasound just for peace of mind. If the doctor understands that you are feeling extreme anxiety and panic, he/she should not have any problem with you having another ultrasound.

    Hang in there.

  5. I totally understand your fears. Unfortunately the longer the pregnancy lasts, the more terror you feel at the thought of it ending. It’s not easy but I’ve been told it’s worth it in the end.

  6. Its only natural when you are banking your future on the vitality of a small living creature to fear that you will crumble if it doesn’t end the way you want. I call it guarding your heart. Some call it obsession. But its what you are going to. When I was pregnant last, I told myself “Today I am pregnant. I can’t change tomorrow or next week. But I can treasure today.” It didn’t really help, but it did take the edge off of my anxiety.

  7. If you ask for a U/S, can they refuse? I mean, it’s not free or anything. I would ask, and if they push it, say you “saw blood” and refuse to discuss that further. Then you’re not lying, either. Can you ask a different practice? Sorry this happened.

  8. What you are feeling is totally understandable. I was there myself, and remember vividly the fears and nightmares. My OB won my undying devotion during pg #5 by saying that I could come in as often as I needed for reassurance (“I’d rather have you come in than have you spend one day worrying at home.”) Is your OB anywhere near supportive for you? Is there any way they would see you this week at least?

    I keep chanting for you: NBHHY

  9. big cheesy hugs, and maybe ask if you can get an u/s?

    i also wanted to add you pull back on the plunger *before* you inject…so as not to make an IM medication an IV medication. but the odds are rare, and i never do it.

  10. Oh lordy I had the blood squirt several times! Once when I had to give myself the PIO and I used my thigh as I was too huge to reach my own ass cheek. Freaked me out. Happened when Murphy gave them sometimes too.

    Right there with ya on the paranoia. Having experienced spotting about the entire first 14 weeks of Max’s pg, I was a nervous wreck.

    Hang in there, we’ll all keep the the positive vibes coming right along.

  11. I could not imagine it either. COULD NOT. I was sure that the babies weren’t there or had died. I was paranoid, too. So, I understand everything that you say and am here for you, sending you every amazing vibe I can muster.

    I agree….if it becomes too much to bear, just say you want to come in and get another ultrasound. I did this. Several times, I think.

  12. For all we ART “clients” pay, we (YOU) should be allowed daily ultrasounds if you want them.

    Sending comforting vibes your way. Hang in there DD. I think Murdock is OK, I really do.

  13. The thing that pulling back on the plunger does is if the tip of the needle is in the vessel, you’ll pull back blood. Otherwise, the bleeding is probably from hitting something on the way in or out.

    Paranoia is completely normal and I’d bet your doctor would give you an ultrasound if you call and talk to him/her. Afterall, you have enough reasons to be paranoid.

    Hugs to you.

  14. I think extreme paranoia and fear are valid reasons to ask for an ultrasound. They may say no, but you are not getting one for if you don’t ask. This is easy for me to say, of course. You’re the one who actually has to call and talk to them.

  15. After several miscarriages, I think, you have every right to get an ultrasound now. I am still very hopeful for you, DD.

  16. I think that significant maternal concern coupled with a difficult IF struggle is more than enough justification for a scan to stop you losing you mind.

    Failing that there’s always ‘cramping’ and ‘bleeding’.



  17. Yup, the spurting blood has happened to me too, twice (during 2 separate cycles, thankfully). Dh did both of the shots and it was ALL over his pants and shirt, not to mention the floor. He claims that he pulls back on the plunger, but I really doubt it – I too don’t really know what that does either.
    YES, if you are that freaked out (totally understandable) you should get an u/s. I casually mentioned to my re that I was nervous and she gave me a quickie just to see a heartbeat – they will do it. Call crying, crying usually works.
    Keep holding on to that wingless angel – it looks like she is working!

  18. Dear DD, I’m sorry about the shot incident — I would have freaked out too, complete with hysterical crying. (And then my husband would have walked in, looked at me, looked at the needle and the blood, and said. “Oh. I was getting worried there for a second.” Spurting blood doesn’t have nearly the same effect on him as it does on me…

    I can imagine how scared you must be, my dear. It seems too much to ask to wait for a scan, much less to wait for a scan AND to think positive thoughts. It just can’t be done, can it? But I hope that your next scan, whenever it is, ends up being an incredible reassurance. And then the one after that and the one after that… until you’ve got wonderful reality in your arms. Imagination can just go hang.

  19. Honey I have no words of wisdom except I’m hoping you find some peaceful moments. Try as best you can to take things one step at a time. No one expects you to be preparing for the 2 kids at home thing! Take each little hurdle as it comes.

    Sorry for the sore ass!

  20. DD,
    I still can’t picture a new baby at our house and it is less the 6 weeks til that is supposedly going to happen for me. So don’t go beating yourself up for not being able to picture it with 30+ weeks ahead of you.

    Just let me know when to box up and mail you all those brand new M. clothes I bought and never wore, ok?

  21. I don’t find your fear or paranoia the least bit odd. You’ve been through so many losses, it is hard to imagine that things will actually go well this time. I’m sorry for that – you should be able to relax and enjoy your pregnancy. I hope that you can find some hope from sore boobs or something. Thinking about you!

  22. Oh, DD…..
    I’m sorry you’re feeling scared. I can’t say that I blame you, but still.
    I wonder if you could do that…. call your doc, I mean.

    I’m going to stay positive for you until you tell me otherwise.

  23. Can you claim extreme emotional distress and get in earlier? Seriously, I can hardly imagine the way you are feeling. It would be incredilby hard to imagine anything positive after all the losses you have stacked up.

    I, too, am going to stay positive. Donor eggs can make all the difference.

    About that blood, I had that happen once – not nearly as extreme, but lot of blood. I did pull back on the plunger that time and it still happened. When I called the nurseline (yes I am that much of a freak) she informed me that sometimes the tissue is so damaged from repetetive shots and the lumps of oil that striking one of these areas can cause bleeding. Or else, she said you can nick something with the needle as your are putting the needle in and upon removal of the needle bleeding can be profuse. She said she had heard patients complain about this before and then I felt silly for calling about bleeding. BUT, it was incredibly scary. I remember holding a washcloth to my arse and telling M. I would faint if it bled through.

  24. I have the same fears, DD. After losses, I think it is a very sane response. I have lost, at least for now, my ability to believe in “happily ever after,” even if all signs point in that direction.

    Just call you doctor, say that you are freaking out, and ask — “pretty please with sugar on top” — for an ultrasound. M/C rates are significantly lower for women whose doctor’s give them TLC. Really. I can get you the studies if you like, but they should already know this and let you have a wanding.

  25. Most doctors *do* consider general paranoia and fear a more-than-adequate reason for an extra ultrasound, especially if the patient has had previous losses. If it would make you feel any better at all, I say you should whine and scream until you get exactly what you want.

  26. I think it should be mandatory to give weekly u/s until you’re 12 weeks, but what the hell do I know. Sending some hugs your way and eek on the gusher – I’ve never had that happen to me and I probably would have been in hysterics as well.

  27. So you can tell me to f*** off if you want but I have “stay positive” for you.

    I know it’s hard.

    This advice from the person who could do nothing but scowl and grunt for months while waiting for my adoption to be finalized.

You can say it here.

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