I honestly did consider calling the clinic and telling them about bleeding/spotting. Isn’t it “funny” how so many of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages always seem to have early pregnancy bleeding of some kind of another?

I’ve had absolutely none. Zip. Nada.

Now that’s not saying that occasionally I don’t feel something and make a dash to the bathroom in blinding fear. I would also have to confess that during those all-too-frequent breaks, I flash myself in the mirror just to see if there are any new veins; any darkening; any “swelling”, to which there is nothing new. One of these days I will forget to lock the door.

I also considered calling my old OB on a favor and ask for a Mercy Scan. Unfortunately, I cannot get over the jinx I think surrounds that particular machine as it was the one that found that Vivienne had died and that we supposedly had an empty gestational sac with Wolf.

Now let’s say that I did get a Mercy Scan with the OB and found that Murdock did indeed crash and burn since Thursday. What then? I would have to call the clinic and tell them that out of desperation I went behind their back for a scan? I would feel foolish. Illogically so, but still.

Here’s what I must do instead.

I have to practice believing that this could work out. My counselor (who again has not called me back since the last time I had to cancel due to a conflict – and no, I won’t be going back) said that I don’t need to figure out what to do if the donor cycle doesn’t work, but how do deal with what happens if it does.

In less than four days after my scan I was out of my mind with worry. If I was to get a scan tomorrow, would that really tie me over until next Thursday? By the weekend, I would be in the same mental state. I would have 24 hour reassurance – max. That is my fate right now as someone who is pregnant (by technical terms) but has had nearly impossible success in staying pregnant.

At least this way I am practicing that positive reinforcement. If I get lucky next week and actually get to see something besides a yolk sac then it will be a couple more weeks where I will repeat this whole process again, but at some point I’m either going to have to trust in this pregnancy (or not once proving otherwise).

One last rather morbid caveat: if by the next ultrasound it is confirmed that Murdock became the last victim of a Body Gone Bad, then I’ll be able to say I made it to 8 weeks.

This will either work or it won’t. There’s no middle ground, so I’m trying really, REALLY hard to convince myself it will but I assure you, Tony Robbins isn’t going to be knocking on my door to award me any prize for Positive Thinking anytime soon.


  1. You know the hell I went through with the last pregnancy – I wrote it off so many times. I remember moaning on my blog about being tired of saying goodbye to the baby.
    So I understand and I can do absolutely nothing to make any of this better for you.

    Crap – I should be good for something shouldn’t I? Would a Christmas card help? What if I send you a picture of the new and fatter me?


  2. I *STILL* look for spotting, and I’m almost 23 weeks.

    I think the way you’re going about it is probably the only way you’re going to manage it. One day at a time, one scan at a time, hell, one HOUR at a time when I needed it. It’s so hard, and once again I want to scream at the universe on your behalf – because it’s not fair that something which should be so joyous is instead panic-inducing.

    *sigh* Hugs.

  3. If it makes you feel any better I always look for spotting and I never spotted with any of my pregnancies. I also swear the baby is dead before I get to feel it move. I did it withmy first and I still do it today.
    Panic is normal and I am addicted to scans too.

  4. I was offered weekly scans but declined. They don’t stop a baby dying and only offer reassurance for a day or so. Like you, I thought that even if my next scan was bad, at least I’d have got to 8 weeks or 12 weeks, and now I’m hoping 16 weeks.

    I did something totally reckless today, I bought a maternity coat. It made me feel good, like I’m starting to give this baby a chance. I hope you start to feel a little bit of hope soon.

  5. I finally know what you need! A trip to Tony Robbin’s Fijian resort. I don’t know if there’s any truth to that whole positive thinking, but there’s a TON of money in it. I stayed at his resort on my honeymoon (long story involving celebrity offspring and a certain ex-Mrs Cruise’s private jet).

    If you were in Fiji, you could think positive. So just think about Fiji.

    And you don’t want to use some crabby ob ultrasound at this point anyway.

    So sit with it, think about how you’ll just handle this time, the in between time. I think thinking about a totally positive outcome is like the grad level course at this point.

  6. I know how badly you want this, and I understand that helpless feeling. I am hoping with all my might for this pregnancy to go smoothly for you.

  7. Ah, can you bottle me what ever it is that you are taking and send it my way?

    Good for you. Really, I am pleased. I know you are still agonizing inside, but man this is kinda inspirational.

    Perhaps that little wingless figurine likes you.

  8. Well, negative Nellie here, so you know i’m no good at reassurance. All i can say is, ignore tomorrow, and think about today.

    One day at a time

  9. Remember a time when we thought you got pregnant and had a baby? Ahhh…those were the days. Infertility and miscarriages do rob of us innocence as a PP said – they also rob us of the joy of being pregnant because we just worry. Sucks.

    I’ve been thinking about you today and hoping you were getting some symptoms to reassure you.

    My latest (because I can’t talk about it on my blog yet so I’ll make your comments all about me) – my HcG levels are still rising. 1600 on Thursday, 2800 on Saturday. Didn’t double but went up pretty significantly for a pregnancy I am pretty sure is going south. And the gest sac measured 3-4 weeks when I was there and those numbers jive with that. So maybe the yada yada about ovulating late wasn’t just sunshine they were blowing up my ass. But I am afraid to have hope – hope is dangerous to our mental health in this game.

  10. I agree with your counselor (even if she doesn’t have the decency to call you back!). You don’t have to figure anything out but how to get through to tomorrow, and tomorrow you just have to figure out how to get through till the next day. I’ll stay positive for you. Just keep breathing.

  11. DD, your motivational self-talk is correct, but that doesn not = easy to do. I fully get the minimal reassurance from u/s thing, but it never stopped me pleading for totally normal scan after totally normal scan and expecting the worst at each one.


  12. Woohoo for no bleeding – is it bad to be envious of that? I think you are a brave and strong person to not call up for a scan. I of course did not show that bravery or strength. It is true though the relief only stays for about 24 hours and then it’s back to the worry. So it makes sense to wait. I will of course continue my positive thinking your way and well prayers as well because we all need prayers.

    RPL just sucks and no matter if things are going smoothly you worry and wonder if things will go badly. My fingers are crossed that things will continue in the vein of nothing bad has happened yet.

  13. I could have written this post ten months ago. I was recently discussing with a friend how much miscarriages rob you of your innocence. It sucks.

    And as for the bathroom – I think I checked my toilet paper for spotting/bleeding until my 24th week. I only stopped after I noticed my three year old was checking her tp after she wiped.

    Hang in there – how many days until the next scan?

  14. For me, staying positive is one of the most difficult things I have to do during these early weeks of pregnancy, so I can totally sympathize with you. My first ultrasound is Thursday and then I have to wait two more weeks for another one (providing we get good news on Thursday). I, too, have an almost total lack of symptoms which really freaks me out. I am sending positive thoughts and best wishes your way. My fingers are crossed for you to have a great scan next week!

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