no. 563 – Accepting

Can you tell by the extraordinary posts (as I’m sure I dazzled you before) that something’s amiss? I’ve got the dreaded "survivor’s guilt syndrome" even though I won’t technically have "survived" this pregnancy until sometime in July when someone cuts a baby out of me and tells me that we all can go home.

I feel like such a hypocrite, too, because I will admit that I roll my eyes when others explain how they are feeling guilty for having obtained pregnancy. Well, der, isn’t that what all this is about?

I remember when I first started blogging in 2005 and I didn’t feel comfortable talking about my son. I had seen too many posts where SIF just didn’t seem to warrant the same kind of empathy as PIF. But then I realized that having my son had nothing to do with having infertility as well as my infertility had nothing to do with my son. The two are wholly unrelated.

As I found a niche in blogging, I talked more about my son. He provided subject matter when we were waffling about what next on the totem of treatment when I could have just not posted at all. Maybe fore some that was preferable and so they came, they saw, and they went. But many of you stayed. I didn’t feel the need to preempt a post with the warning that I was going to write about XBoy. He’s part of the package.

So now I have to get used to the fact that this "Technical Pregnancy" is part of the package, and it’s not like it’s came out of the blue: it took three years, 10 ART cycles and I had to let go of 4 other pregnancies.

Expect to hear me bitching (about Ass Mouth and Hormonal Bloating) (about the sensitive gag reflex triggered by taking gum out of my mouth) (about the prenatal vitamin that’s as big as a hissing cockroach and about as tolerable) about pregnancy symptoms from time to time. Just as I will let you into the not-so-pleasant world of raising a now six-year old who has a quaint way of screaming at us like a banshee when we tell him to get ready for his bath or how when he won’t go willingly into a time-out he flops to the floor like a noodle when you physically manipulate him making him the poster child for anyone who wants to perform an illegal demonstration in front of the White House.

So what’s next? I may have to get the ball rolling by talking about poop and its annoying absence.

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13 thoughts on “no. 563 – Accepting”

  1. Yup. Even though I am just “waiting” and believe me there is no just, it sucks, I understand. My journey has moved beyond IF. It isn’t just about my ability to get pregnant and now that I am not trying anymore doesn’t mean I will not talk about it from time to time, but I have other things to chat about. Enough about me.

    I am interested in your journey (and all that it entails), not just the treatment part. Your life = your journey = your blog.

    I have come to think of the blogging world as a microcosm of life. Stick with me, I have a point, but I am not certain if I will make it well. You have your site and your story. Someone else has their site and their story and others have theirs. We all come together because at some level our stories overlap and we need something from each other (ie – support, advice/assvice, comfort, an outlet). Compare this to being born and going to school. We all had a “similar” experience that brought us to a point where we are at the same stage. As we progress, our experiences stray and we define our own identities. The friends you made in kindergarden are rarely the friends you have when you graduate from high school. People come and go, and there are just a handful of the initial group (from the time you started blogging) left with you.

    A year + ago, when I started blogging, if you would have been where you are right now, I may not have read. But since we were at some kinda similar place at the same time when I joined the game, I made that connection and have come to enjoy your story as a whole, not a just a snippet of it.

    So, talk about X-boy, bitch about being pregnant, enrich my life with stories of a 6 year old. I don’t view you as a mommy blogger, but rather a friend with an interesting (interesting in a good way) perspective on life.

  2. I wish you could see the gigantic smile I’m wearing for you right now.

    I am SO ready to hear your bitch about your pregnancy! Hell, I’d even welcome belly pictures.

    And XBoy? I adore that kid. If you didn’t post about him, I’d give you the what-for about it.

  3. One thing I have learned about reading other IF blogs is that we are all in very different places in our journeys and in our hearts. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to get where you are and noone in their right mind, who knows you, should take the liberty of taking their pain out on you. Will there be jealousy? Sure. Will their be sadness? Yup. But for me, I am happy for you.

    I have treasured the little glimpses into your journey that you have shared. I love the posts about XBoy. He is only 6 months younger than my daughter but they do some of the same things and it helps me to keep my sanity knowing that I am not alone. So, keep on keepin’ on Sista. Share what you want, keep to yourself what you want. Your blog is about you and what affects you.

  4. You know I totally get the whole SIF thang, and the mood of the IF blogosphere back in the day toward SIF. I have begun to stop censoring myself regarding my 5YO, and try to blog what I need to now. It’s still a struggle to strike the right balance.

    And YES! I know it is totally developmentally appropriate for this age of kid to do the whole passive resistance thing, but have you noticed the sudden and complete ability to effect selective hearing loss? Drives me Nucking Futs! We are strugging with this phase a wee bit.

    I look forward to reading whatever you feel like writing. It is your space, babe. Do as you please!

  5. Oh yes, poop and its annoying absence! Very flippin annoying! Just ask my local pharmacy if they have any laxative suppositories left on their shelves after I’ve been in!

    I’m never going to pretend pregnancy is great, I just want the baby that (usually) comes out alive at the end and until then, I’ll cry if I want to 🙂

    XXX

  6. Gag reflex from taking gum OUT of your mouth? Damn, you got it bad. Also, don’t forget our friend colace; soft stools are cool.
    You blog about whatever you need to; this is a part of you, and we are honored to be included in that. Mwah.

  7. Cracklin Oat Bran, and lots of it. And I have a good recipe for Bran Apple Sauce muffins (and I normally hate bran). And oatmeal.

    I can’t tell you how glad I am that this one looks like a keeper. Its about friggin time.

  8. I totally get this post. IF has a huge impact on the rest of your life, even when you have a kid, even when you have kids, even when you are done TTC.

    I admit that I feel weird commenting on IF blogs now that I am a mommy blogger. Although my blog was never an IF blog it is pretty much a mommy blog despite the fact that I never intended it to be. But I want to give support and part of me is always on that ride. I wonder if people get over it.

    I miss those who stop blogging, and I hope you don’t stop after July.

  9. I think P is channeling XBoy from 1500+ miles away, as he’s started doing the same maneuver when it comes to time out. Does XBoy do the infuriating “I didn’t want that anyway,” complete with shoulder shrug, when you take away privileges?

    Quite honestly, I’m hoping for another 7 or so months of bitching, interspersed with posts of how cool it is. Very, very much hoping for that.

  10. I have survivor guilt too. Especially since some of my readers have yet to have a living child. I always edit myself. I never want to say anything that could come off as complaining. I think for that reason I might just become a “mommy blogger” instead of a “loss blogger”. The problem is is that I identify more with the loss/IF crowd than other mothers. It’s like you and I have one foot in two worlds, yet belong to neither.

    I hate pre-natal vitamins, they made me constipated too. Well those, the hormones, and the growing baby. Here’s hoping for a BM for you.

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