no. 568 – Monster

angry when i see pregnant women after my loss

That was a google search that brought someone by my blog recently.

I still remember vividly the weeks that followed the loss of Vivienne because it was during the Holidays and I had to get gift shopping done. Never before had I noticed how many women out and about were pregnant. It was like the movie, Phenomenon, where a man suddenly acquires amazing powers after experiencing a flash of light out of the night sky.

My first miscarriage was that flash out of nowhere that suddenly opened my eyes to emotions I never had before, much less even heard of: the feelings of anger and jealousy towards pregnant women. See my last post if in doubt.

Those feelings have never wavered in three years. Not even my current pregnancy has helped soften the blow. I can only try to temper the emotions by reminding myself that maybe it wasn’t as easy for them as one would presume. That’s exceptionally hard because I know for the vast majority of women, it really was that easy. I mean, it was really that easy for me in the beginning.

So I find long after the visual onslaught of a bulging belly, I still wage the war in my head that keeps me from glaring too obviously at the back of some strangers head as they waddle out of site. I feel that blackness of jealousy and I know without a doubt, I always will. That’s just how I am emotionally.

I apologize if I hurt anyone’s feelings or let anyone down with my last post. The emails came in from several bloggers wondering if it was them and I could not deny that I felt it towards any one of them at some point or another. Something just snapped in me last week as I just couldn’t take it anymore. And while I know that I’m entitled to express myself here, supposedly without censure, I shouldn’t use that as an excuse to be spiteful, especially to those who have been there for me in the past.