no. 574 – Is It Just A Dream?

The hardest time of the day for me has been those lonely hours of the early, early mornings. It’s usually because that’s when I awake from some terrible dream of one kind or another. This past sleep was far from the exception. I wish I could have called it a dream, but it was a classic nightmare.

Mr. DD and I were at some social function and I went into the bathroom. There was blood. Not just spotting. Red, not pink or brown. I made Mr. DD offer an excuse and we left in a rush to sit in the car while I tried to call my OB. First I couldn’t remember the number so we drove to the clinic, which was closed, but the number was on the sign. I tried to dial but my fingers kept hitting the wrong keys and I redialed and redialed over and over again.

Then I finally dialed the right number, but there was no machine; no answering service. I tried pushing 0 to get an operator. Nothing. Then I tried to call my RE but the number had been changed because Dr. Blinksalot was no longer at the clinic. I could feel more blood.

I asked Mr. DD if he knew where the OB lived and we would go there. I didn’t care if we were interrupting his personal time or space.

The last thing I remember is driving towards the doctor’s house…

…and then I woke up.

I was alone in bed. Mr. DD had moved to the spare bedroom a couple hours earlier because he was snoring. I was shaking and sweating so I threw off the covers to cool down. My hands reached to protectively cover my abdomen and it felt strangely flat and I felt a flush of anxiety wash over me again.

There’s a dark pit inside my head and I deeply fear the worst and yet I know the worst thing I can do right now is fear.

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26 thoughts on “no. 574 – Is It Just A Dream?”

  1. I reread this today, and damn I needed it. I had the exact same kind of dream, anxiety crossed with pregnancy hormones, enhanced by insanity.

    Hold on tight my dear. You and I will make it to the finish line hopefully soon.

  2. ugh, I had this exact dream during my pregnancy, and I’ve had it since about jasper – that something has happened to him and my finger keep slipping, or its a wrong number, or I can’t find the number for the hospital. It’s awful. My theory is that it’s about the sense of having a lack of control.

    (thank you for you email btw, DD. I’m glad you liked the poem x)

  3. I’m going to suggest something that may or may not help. Next time you have one of those dreams, check for bleeding. If there is none, then keep repeating “Everything’s ok, it was just a dream” until the bad dream heebeejeebies go away.

  4. I constantly had scary dreams when I was pg. I figured I had to worry when I started having GOOD dreams because while I had the bad ones, everything went just fine. I even had a dream that Kath (Inhospitable) had lost her pg, which of course she didn’t and had a noce healthy baby girl. So, look at it that way. Whatever will help you NOT worry. Hang in there! You’re doing so well! 🙂

  5. The worst nightmares I ever had in my life were when I was pregnant with S2. I would wake up drenched and trembling. Between the hormones and our crazy IF pasts, I honestly think it is just all of our worries coming to a head when we are not awake to beat them off with large sticks.

  6. I had a few dreams like that too. I was so relieved to wake up, but they kept hauting me.. like a harbinger.

    But Catherine’s right, being scared or fearful cannot doom the pregnancy. If that were the case, I would never have brought Andy home from the hospital.

    I’m so sorry about the nightmares, may they go away quickly.

  7. I hate those dreams that are so vivid that they actually make you question reality in the dark morning hours.

    I hear vivid dreams are part of pregnancy so you could count it as a symptom.

    My hope for you is that once you make it past the mark you made it with V, you will feel a little more able to relax. I’m starting to feel a little optimistic about my little one and wow does it feel good (of course part of my brain is convinced I am setting myself up for disappointment but hey, I can’t give up the self protective pessimism cold turkey).

  8. How horrible. I know it is not just the dream that scares you, but the actual reality of what happens in the dream. SOmetimes in our dreams we live out our worst fears (or greatest desires). Both ends of the spectrum are scary and incredibly uncomfortable.

    I hate that feeling of stomach pit. I have it too, and did suffer from it when I was pg. Then my dreams were either that I was pg and something horrible happened (like in your dream), but now they are more about something happening to M. or the dog. I wake up in sweat and often have to change and put a towel down so I can sleep.

    I am hoping, hoping so very hard, that these horrible things play out only in your dreams. Yes, that sounds kind of funny – not that I want you dreaming of horrible things, but I believe we dream about our conscious and subconscious and that is where these thoughts need to stay.

  9. The pregnancy dreams are evil, I tell you. I don’t remember ever having so many horrible dreams as when I was pregnant with P. And then the fact that they wake you up, alone in the dark, when you’re exhausted but afraid to close your eyes because the dream might start again–it’s just horrible.

    Feel free to text me if you ever wake up at that hour–I keep my cell by my bed, and this morning I was awake from 4 a.m. to just after 6. No reason, just woke up and couldn’t sleep. It happens on an annoyingly regular basis. If I’m asleep, the text alert won’t wake me; if I’m awake, I’ll definitely answer it. I would be happy to help you feel less alone.

  10. Ditto what Mandy said. I too have very very realistic dreams that fill me with horror at times. Lately I have been having some nice ones though so I think that is progress and that my sub-conscious is healing, yours will too but probably not until the baby is there in your arms.

  11. Don’t want to burst your magical thinking bubble, but Kath is right. Fear isn’t the worst thing you can do. You can no more influence this pregnancy with fearful thoughts than you can with shiny happy thoughts. Conscious or unconscious, your brain is just processing all this stuff for you. It’s all normal…and it’s all fine. Just keep breathing.

    {{{hugs}}}

    And I have to say that I think it’s lovely, in a strange way, that Mr. DD was right beside you in your dream. I was always alone in my nightmares.

  12. No words of wisdom here. Chronic dreamer myself.

    Just know that MANY, MANY people are hoping/rooting/pulling/wishing/praying for you.

  13. ((((dd))))
    i have had the dream about the phone too. the numbers keep changing and i keep hitting the wrong buttons etc.

  14. Oh, sweetie. I wish I could hug you right now.

    And being afraid is terrifying enough without worrying that it’s the worst thing you can do right now. It isn’t. Being afraid is not toxic or dangerous. It’s simply human.

    The worst thing you can do right now, incidentally, is to smoke a pack of Marlboro and then drink a quart of Clorox to wash away that tar aftertaste.

  15. You know I am going to tell you that vivid dreams (good, horrific, indifferent) are part of the package with being pg, right? ’cause I know you know that.

    They do stick with you though. And the bad ones are hard to shake. I’m sorry you had a bad night!

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