I’m in full avoidance mode right now, if you couldn’t have guessed. It’s probably because this is the week that will either make this my second longest pregnancy . . . or not.
This weekend I did something truly asinine: I repeated the action I took the weekend before I found out I had lost Vivienne and went to The Metro to shop for clothes. It wasn’t until I was half-way there that I realized that the deja vu feeling I was having wasn’t a feeling at all. It was real. I’m sure I looked like a real idiot talking myself down while on the interstate, clutching the steering wheel. On the other hand, with the number of hands-free telephone devices and American Idol wannabes, I only looked foolish to myself.
Who could blame me then that when I eventually got home, my first task was to use the implement of torture itself – the doppler. For what it’s worth, don’t get a doppler before 14 weeks. I am now getting a little better at finding the heartbeat, but its so easy to pass over since the baby has to be just in the right position even if you have the doppler right on top of it. For a while, the noises I thought I heard were just my guts churning. Now I’m wondering if it wasn’t Murdock farting in the general direction of the doppler as if to say, "You want to hear something? Hear this! Fffrrrppt!"
It’s nice to know I have general immunity from the "s/he gets it from you" argument. I can blame Mr. DD for everything. It’ll take him a while before he pulls the nurture card on me.
Other than the avoidance of my own current situation, I admit I’m avoiding many others out there. Specifically the links to a miscarriage or infant loss. I feel like such an ass for not being able to provide support, except silently and distantly, but it’s all I can do without either feeling unwelcome or it sending me down a spiral of paranoia over my own situation.
To wit: I still haven’t made any preparations for this summer, except to order blinds for the spare bedroom. I figure if it continued to be the spare bedroom, I would need blinds to replace the temporary paper ones I put up last year.