no. 604 – I Ain’t Bambi’s Bitch

Day 1

Him: DD! Come here and look at that! There’s deer in the back yard!

Me: Oh my god! That’s so cool! Get the camera!

Day 2

Him: DD! Come here and look at that! There’s deer in the back yard again!

Me: Oh my god! That’s so cool!

Day 3

Him: DD! Come here and look at that! There’s deer in the back yard again!

Me: Oh. My. Gawd.

2253850276_d77c1c449c (picture from my bathroom window) It really is pretty amazing to look out your bedroom window and see a dozen deer either grazing on the prairie grass of the backyard or still bedded down from the night before. But I have to admit, the novelty is wearing off. I mean, c’mon! Every night when I drive home, we’ll see six, twelve, twenty and even the other day, a herd of thirty strong grazing in the nearby field or crossing the road. Eventually the animal you thought was a beautiful epitome of forest and prairie wildlife suddenly morphs into Bambi’s evil twin brother who was sent to military school when he decided to rearrange his juvenile spots to say "fuck you".

I’ve seen them rutting, enjoying the voyeurism. I watched one the other morning take a dump in our front yard. Did you know they squat down like a dog? It’s not so cute anymore, trust me.

2253850438_61e9ea79cd (picture taken a half mile down the road) There have been some awesome sights out here from the comfort of our own home. That I cannot deny. A pair of bald eagles fed on some carrion in the corn field down the road. The other morning, I very large wild turkey meandered down our lane to cross into the trees on the other side of the road (don’t both with "why did the turkey cross the road" jokes, mmkay?). While it’s not unusual to hear coyotes out here, I saw one prowling the field. Mr. DD’s big fear is the humongous hole, which is probably home to a badger, dug directly into the roots of the mulberry tree on our property’s border.

But the deer have got to go. They will destroy my gardens (if I ever finish landscaping). They spread lyme disease through deer ticks, and even though there aren’t many trees yet where we are, remember XBoy did pick up a tick last year. And when it comes to deer vs. car? While the deer usually loses, having your car towed in with the perfect imprint of a deer across your hood to the nearest auto body shop sucks.

Good thing it’s not illegal to discharge a weapon outside city limits.*

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* Now, while I’m certainly no PETA sympathizer, I don’t think I could shoot and kill Bambi. However, my Dad had a nifty trick to keep the two goats we had when we were little from the cattle feed bunks: he would shoot them with a pellet gun aimed at their hips. A pellet hitting your ass smarts. Since I’ve shot at and killed a bat in our old house once, this would be cake.

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11 thoughts on “no. 604 – I Ain’t Bambi’s Bitch”

  1. Uh. Yeah. Can we come hunt on your property next year? Venison steaks…venison sausage…Mmmmmm. Bambi is yummy 🙂

    And I never knew they squatted like dogs to poop. How weird.

  2. I don’t think I could shoot one either…BUT, you could set up a target in your yard and shoot at that. Just the noise enough should send them running, you don’t have to actually be aiming near them, right?

  3. Yeah, when we moved out to the boonies I thought the deer were beautiful. The came back last summer and ate most of my plants down to the ground – hydrangea, black eyed susans, petunias – all gone. I tried everything, yes, I peed in a cup and dumped it outside. The best was Irish Spring soap pieces scattered in my gardens. Good luck.

  4. My mom has had a lot of trouble with deer in her garden, and ended up putting in an electric fence. It just gives them a mild shock, but it definitely keeps them out. Perhaps worth looking into?

  5. I would also love to see those eagles. Very cool. Deer make me nervous. I’ve hit 2 with my car and now I’m totally paranoid. Of course one shouldn’t count since I was able to slam on my breaks and just knicked it in the butt. Little thing fell over then got up, gave me a dirty look and ran off. Ruined my day and probably his too. And yes I know your not supposed to slam on the breaks and swerve, but really does anyone not?

  6. We get the daily deer in the yard too…but NEVER an eagle…that would be extremely cool. Though we did have a hawk swoop down and grab a mouse/rodent thingy and carry it to the top of our then swingset and knaw away at it..the kids loved the grossness of it all.

    I love looking at the deer but Harley has decided he likes to roll in and eat deer poop so I wouldn’t really mind if they bypassed my yard and cut through the neighbors!

  7. Go for it, if you do want to shoot one. Where I grew up, a couple of these could feed a family for winter. And there is no shame in feeding your family period.

    As for scare tactics, will that pellet thing work? Only because this is the hungriest time of the year for a lot of these animals, and while they don’t look starving now, pretty soon, they will be.

    Someone told me that for early gardens at least, covering the young plants in chicken wire works. If you are at work all day you won’t be able to shoot stuff anyway.

  8. Deer? Eh, pretty cool.
    EAGLES? Awesome. I love, love, love that picture of the eagles. Now that is something I don’t have the opportunity to see everyday. If you have more pictures of the eagles I would love to see them!

  9. Dead-Eye DD! You hit a BAT? Dayum girl. I remember when I was a kid, a bat got into our house. After much girl-y screaming and freaking out, we chased it around with brooms & towels.
    One of my brothers took a tennis racket. He stalked through the hallway & took a mighty swing. We thought he hit it so hard that it exploded. Turns out the vase of flowers that was sitting on the hall table did not survive. The bat did. Mike eventually cornered it in the boys’ room & got it with the racket. We spent hours looking at it. Weird looking little things.

    The eagle shot is way cool. We get the occasional deer & I’ve seen a couple foxes chasing the rabbits around here. I’ve used my pellet gun to shoot the damn squirrels that were nesting in my roof-eaves.

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