no. 605 – Letting the Cat Out

There’s so much more now on the line. We told XBoy about Murdock, and as most of you guessed he responded excitedly. Thankfully, there were no technical questions we had to answer just an affirmation that yes, I will get fatter. I let him listen to the heartbeat with the doppler and even used it on him.

I wasn’t sure if he would dwell on it, and thankfully he hasn’t. Every once in a while he’ll ask baby-specific questions: "Did you keep my baby stuff?" "Can the baby sleep in my room?" "Can we take the baby to the beach this year?", but I’m actually grateful that he doesn’t constantly go on. One person in the household obsessing about it was enough.

That was Wednesday. Then Saturday night, out with Mr. DD’s parents, XBoy told his grandparents. They were uncharacteristically happy about the news. I say "uncharacteristically" because they are very stoic people. My MIL was glad to hear that "we finally got one to stick."

But now I’m even more paranoid that something will go bad. I’m glad we told XBoy about the doppler so I can go use it without having to sneak away. It doesn’t help that I still haven’t felt any movement at 18 1/2 weeks, even though it’s not uncommon for women to feel movement earlier in subsequent pregnancies. I can’t even say I’ve thought I’ve felt movement.

That and my perception that physically I’ve had little change leads me to joke outwardly with the few friends that know that I’m going to give birth to a child with tyrannosaurus rex limbs which are ineffectively punching at my uterus. I try to use logic when I’m out of jokes that it’s all about fetal placement; or maybe I had nerve damage from my c-section and can’t feel the movement.

It’s what these past few years have been full of: outward jokes to deflect the standard platitudes and inward bargaining and reasoning, both used to keep me as sane as possible. It’s exhausting and I can’t plan any further ahead than tomorrow. It’s "funny" how with each milestone I think I can relax, and so far I haven’t reached any one particular milestone that I have really felt that my guard can come down. I sincerely doubt I will.