no. 627 – The Thaw

I’ve made it no secret that I’m having a hard time accepting that everything could work out just fine with this pregnancy. Not to overuse a bad pun, but a positive outcome seems…inconceivable in my head.

But I really do try to out-shout those thoughts daily. I make myself walk by the maternity and infant sections in the department stores. I make myself look at sites like Babies R Us so I can know what’s out there. I am trying to make plans for July.

I thought I was making some headway when this weekend I showed Mr. DD some items that I would like to get for the baby, including a play-yard nursery set and a stroller/carseat set. That was Saturday and he did nothing more than make a remark about the color. I expected nothing more or less as he is a guy after all.

Then last night as I was quietly sitting on the bedroom floor, folding the week’s laundry, he came in and asked me to wait until April or May to make any purchases. "Just in case…"

I felt defensive about it and told him that having those things in the house even if something does go horribly wrong will not make it hurt any more, but he quietly insisted and asked for my patience.

After having him be so optimistic at almost every turn and twist we have gone through since 2004, this threw me, and hard.

I already felt like I’ve been letting down Murdock. Not believing in him/her. Not believing in myself has been hard enough and now in a way that I’m sure Mr. DD did not intend, I sense his doubt as well, even though it stands to reason that he is finally admitting that all of the failed cycles and miscarriages have impacted him more than he’s ever vocalized before now.

Instead of him trying to convince me everything will be alright as he’s done in the past, I find the roles reversed, forcing me to commit more of my heart into something I’ve been trying to keep an emotional distance from. Somewhere along the line, I’ve fallen in love with this baby and that has led to feeling something that I thought had been frozen so deep inside it would never thaw: Hope.