no. 627 – The Thaw

I’ve made it no secret that I’m having a hard time accepting that everything could work out just fine with this pregnancy. Not to overuse a bad pun, but a positive outcome seems…inconceivable in my head.

But I really do try to out-shout those thoughts daily. I make myself walk by the maternity and infant sections in the department stores. I make myself look at sites like Babies R Us so I can know what’s out there. I am trying to make plans for July.

I thought I was making some headway when this weekend I showed Mr. DD some items that I would like to get for the baby, including a play-yard nursery set and a stroller/carseat set. That was Saturday and he did nothing more than make a remark about the color. I expected nothing more or less as he is a guy after all.

Then last night as I was quietly sitting on the bedroom floor, folding the week’s laundry, he came in and asked me to wait until April or May to make any purchases. "Just in case…"

I felt defensive about it and told him that having those things in the house even if something does go horribly wrong will not make it hurt any more, but he quietly insisted and asked for my patience.

After having him be so optimistic at almost every turn and twist we have gone through since 2004, this threw me, and hard.

I already felt like I’ve been letting down Murdock. Not believing in him/her. Not believing in myself has been hard enough and now in a way that I’m sure Mr. DD did not intend, I sense his doubt as well, even though it stands to reason that he is finally admitting that all of the failed cycles and miscarriages have impacted him more than he’s ever vocalized before now.

Instead of him trying to convince me everything will be alright as he’s done in the past, I find the roles reversed, forcing me to commit more of my heart into something I’ve been trying to keep an emotional distance from. Somewhere along the line, I’ve fallen in love with this baby and that has led to feeling something that I thought had been frozen so deep inside it would never thaw: Hope.

17 thoughts on “no. 627 – The Thaw”

  1. DD, this post really got to me. I wish I had something comforting or wise to say, but all I can say is hang tough.

  2. See, I read these things and all I can do is think about potential solutions. (I am very guy-like in this way.)

    So I’m thinking what if you bought what you knew you’d need, and kept it at someone else’s house, with the understanding that if things go terribly wrong, that person will return everything for you, no discussion needed.

    And also, what if we then had a “nursery raising” baby shower, where you had your local friends/family/bloggers come out and pull your nursery all together in a day or two in late June? That way – you’d know the plans are there, and things will be done, but that if something were to go wrong, it would be handled without extra effort from you and Mr. DD?

  3. In our house the roles were reversed. I wouldn’t buy anything for Hailey and even demanded that I not have a baby shower until after her birth. Luckily no one listened to me.

    Fear makes you think crazy things.

    Big hugs, my friend.

  4. I know Hope is quite the fickle bitch, though I am filled with her as I think of you. My husband had a similar stance as your Mr., and it was a scary-fast role reversal. Isn’t it funny how we navigate these things as a couple?

    I am keeping you all in my thoughts as you feel out this new territory.

  5. I remember clearly the time that my ever positive husband sort of lost his hope as we fought the battle with infertility. It threw me too because I was always the one being picked up and all of a sudden I had to do the picking up. It was scary as hell, because as you said, I had to acknowledge the hope I had buried. But I think that letting myself think positively helped me in the end.

    If it counts at all, you have so many positive vibes coming your way from all of us. We are with you and thinking of you!

  6. Men are such odd little creatures. They don’t want to hope. So they act all Stoic, and lo and behold it turns out they really care.

    My husband? Same thing. Scared for me to buy stuff, he can’t even go to the stores with me. But according to him, he just doesn’t feel like shopping.

    Ya, right!

  7. i sort of know exactly what you are talking about. i have not suffered the losses you have, but i similarly can’t wrap my head around staying pg. i feel bad because i feel like it has affected my bonding.

    anyway, lots of love to you and murdock.

  8. Truly, I think men are a bit mystified by the entire process of birthing. They get it, sort of, but when things have gone wrong in the past, they have a hard time not being able to “fix” the problem and worry about not being able to “fix” things if they go wrong again. I think they don’t like the loss of control.

  9. It is so hard doing this after losses. My husband and I take turns being skeptical or upbeat. My family thinks I am cold for still using qualifiers about the possibility of a baby. We do what we can. Hope Mr. DD feels more secure soon.

  10. DD, glad you’ve found hope. I have hope too, but it’s cautious hope. I brought a few baby clothes and that was enough to send me into hyperventilating fear that now I’d junxed myself. Human emotions are such complex things.


  11. Hope is a little bugger. She hangs around and even though you may know she is there and try to ignore her she persitantly survives the deep freeze.

    So for all the guilt you have about feeling like you can not acknowledge this pregnancy, you are showing that you do feel and attach to it, just in a way you are able to manage with a history of loss.

    I will be thinking of you Wednesday (the 2nd, right?).

  12. My husband was the same way. After the 20 week ultrasound when things looked good and we knew it was a girl I said “are you excited yet?” and he said “I’ll be excited when she’s here and healthy.” He was even reserved when I was in labor. Coping mechanism I guess but at some point you gotta just say screw it and plan for the best instead of the worst.

  13. I’m glad you’re feeling hopeful. And I’m sure Mr DD will relax into it with time. Just so both of you try to remember that there is nothing to magical thinking. Simply buying a onesie does not spell doom or disaster.

  14. Awww DD! I’ve held hope for ya and glad that you are taking her hand as well. I won’t let go of her and will keep her close by when (or dh) lose sight of her. Sending hugs…

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