no. 643 – Donor Decision

I’ve been asked on separate occasions, whether by bloggers who are just finding out that they, too, have donor egg recommended to them; or by those just curious about donor egg, how we came to our decision to move forward.

While I have moments of second-guessing and even grief about donor egg, they are brief and nothing like the mental anguish I had when a cycle failed or when I miscarried. The chance of having another child, regardless of the means, was like a shiny object in the grass glittering with possibilities and promises.

When I read about other bloggers who struggle with donor egg, or even those who are frank enough to say donor assisted technology is absolutely NOT for them, each time I feel the doubt and worry wash over me anew. What if I made a rash decision? Did I give this enough thought or did I move forward out of desperation?

I say “I” because I’ve never talked about these wavering moments with Mr. DD. When the option was placed on the table and he gave his tentative blessing, I ran with it knowing how difficult it had been up to that time for him to take the leap of faith into the first IVF and then failing that, donor sperm. It took months for him to accept that a second child wasn’t going to come to us like the first.

While I know it will be important for Murdock to know about his/her conception, as well as for XBoy to understand, being able to have it all figured out now just doesn’t seem as relevant as it did at the beginning. There are just so many other things that I believe are more important than raising a child who understands the finer points of assisted reproductive technology.

I also strongly believe, whether you agree or not, that the egg that became Murdock came from the genetic donor, not the biological donor. I can’t say we would have chosen a known donor over anonymous if that had been an option. It’s an act of defeatism to try to imagine it. How many times do we already beat ourselves up with the “what ifs?” (what if we had tried to have children sooner; what if we hadn’t waited 3 years after the first one; what if that pregnancy wouldn’t have ended…)?

There’s no way that I’ll ever be able to push out of my mind that Murdock is the result of a stranger’s act, whether it was purely altruistic or if she was in desperate financial need. It only matters that she did and I’m sure I will silently thank her, and even curse her, a million times over during the time I have with Murdock on this earth.

Our donor may give Murdock some physical characteristics that are visibly different than both Mr. DD and me, but it will be Mr. DD, XBoy and I that will give him/her what’s immediately essential: love, strength, importance, and family. And those intangible items are what helped me decide that the one factual idea of donor egg was really the simplest hurdle to overcome.