no. 645 – Not One of My Better Moments

I’ve been angry and resentful lately. About everything. About nothing. It’s hard to explain. And as usual, I probably won’t do a good job of it here, therefore you won’t get it and I’ll be even more resentful.

See? I’m just a ball of sunshine over here.

Mr. DD’s father has been ill and hospitalized for 12 days now. Every night, Mr. DD spends the entire evening with him, and for some inexplicable reason (aside from selfishness), I resent it. Maybe some of it has to do with how little time he spent with me once XBoy was born. Even with minor complications and an extended hospital stay, he still went to work all day and come by in the evenings. I know there’s nothing more he could do. It’s not like his being there would make XBoy’s glucose levels go up and the bilirubin levels come down. He didn’t even take any time off from work once we came home. I haven’t bothered asking if he will this time. But, I needed his presence.

His dad probably needs his presence right now, but I do, too.

It’s not just his father’s hospitalization that has somehow made me feel like a unmarried mother. Prior to this family emergency, from the time he got home from work until 11:00 at night, he would go out to his shop to work on his projects. Again, I try to understand that once the baby comes he will have little to no time to do "his" thing, but right now, I am physically incapable of doing so many of the things I wanted to get done this spring as well, including rearranging furniture for the bedrooms, and a last ditch effort to start a yard out front before the spring winds fill the house with dust.

I’m tired. I ache all over. I cry, alone. I want to feel adored. I want to be pampered. I want to go to bed at night and feel his arms around me and to wake up and find him looking at me with love…

Instead, I go to bed alone. He follows hours later. In the morning I awake alone as he’s usually already up or I’ve moved to the other bedroom to escape the snoring.

I am angry and resentful that I cannot make the most out of not just an enviable position – pregnancy after infertility, but a last pregnancy; the one I swore I would enjoy and revel in.