no. 645 – Not One of My Better Moments

I’ve been angry and resentful lately. About everything. About nothing. It’s hard to explain. And as usual, I probably won’t do a good job of it here, therefore you won’t get it and I’ll be even more resentful.

See? I’m just a ball of sunshine over here.

Mr. DD’s father has been ill and hospitalized for 12 days now. Every night, Mr. DD spends the entire evening with him, and for some inexplicable reason (aside from selfishness), I resent it. Maybe some of it has to do with how little time he spent with me once XBoy was born. Even with minor complications and an extended hospital stay, he still went to work all day and come by in the evenings. I know there’s nothing more he could do. It’s not like his being there would make XBoy’s glucose levels go up and the bilirubin levels come down. He didn’t even take any time off from work once we came home. I haven’t bothered asking if he will this time. But, I needed his presence.

His dad probably needs his presence right now, but I do, too.

It’s not just his father’s hospitalization that has somehow made me feel like a unmarried mother. Prior to this family emergency, from the time he got home from work until 11:00 at night, he would go out to his shop to work on his projects. Again, I try to understand that once the baby comes he will have little to no time to do "his" thing, but right now, I am physically incapable of doing so many of the things I wanted to get done this spring as well, including rearranging furniture for the bedrooms, and a last ditch effort to start a yard out front before the spring winds fill the house with dust.

I’m tired. I ache all over. I cry, alone. I want to feel adored. I want to be pampered. I want to go to bed at night and feel his arms around me and to wake up and find him looking at me with love…

Instead, I go to bed alone. He follows hours later. In the morning I awake alone as he’s usually already up or I’ve moved to the other bedroom to escape the snoring.

I am angry and resentful that I cannot make the most out of not just an enviable position – pregnancy after infertility, but a last pregnancy; the one I swore I would enjoy and revel in.

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22 thoughts on “no. 645 – Not One of My Better Moments”

  1. I’m feeling you with this post – A is not really around when I need him at the moment, and as for him looking at me with love? pfft….

  2. I feel for you, DD. And I can relate to the single-parent-but-married syndrome: it suuuucks. Being pg is hard enough, especially after the road you’ve traveled. Does he hear you if you ask for him to spend time with you? Is he capable of “getting it” or is he just not able to be there in that way? Will he be there for all of you at/after the birth?

    I wish there was some wonderful words of wisdom I could offer. Sending you a hug….

  3. This post definitely touched a nerve with me and I was trying to explain it to DH last night. Almost grabbed him by the neck when he yawned and said, “I don’t get it.” Yup that’s the point asshole (who I love dearly). So many men just don’t get it.

  4. Ah, DD. Mourning the loss of enjoying pregnancy after IF right with you. For different reasons perhaps, but it’s no fun.

    J

  5. oh DD. I’m sorry you feel bad. Have you tried asking him to help you out or if he’s ok. Maybe he has something on his mind that’s making h…….. ah jaysus, I was typing that and I thought- who’s side am I on- yours all the way. I hope things get better soon.
    I came over here after Facebook and I found how to follow you on Twitter. Hurray.

  6. I get annoyed over stupid things which annoys me even more because I know I shouldn’t feel that way. I resent that my hubby has only asked to feel the baby move once and has only attended 1 doc appointment with me. I know he cares and I know I matter to him but I feel like this whole pregnancy thing was supposed to go one way (picture a Disney movie with small woodland creatures feeding out of my hand each morning while my husband sings love songs to me) and just isn’t.

    Guess there just isn’t any making me happy.

    Anyway, hang in there – we adore you. He does to…he just isn’t showing it well right now.

  7. I threatened to stab my husband more than a few times when I was pregnant, and I was partly serious. Here’s what I’m figuring out, men raised by crazy mothers have a very hard time relating to their wives.

  8. I’m a firm believer in “We teach people how to treat us.” Let him know what you want. And don’t apologize for it, either to him or to us.

    Meanwhile, know you can come here and hear you are adored.

  9. Oh dear girl – I think we ALL get it… truly! I almost shot rootbeer out of my nose when I read the bit about snoring. (Can I borrow your couch sometime? It might be far enough away from Mr. Bean’s snoring!) It’s never selfish to want to feel adored and pampered and loved. That’s what marriage commitment is about. I’m a firm believer in “the marriage comes first” – above all else. Above kids. Above parents. Above work. If it doesn’t, it will become last. (offering assvice psychobabble here)… I’m sure a lot of the resentment about FIL comes from the whole IL story. I’m sure you would be a bit more understanding if you felt like you (via MR DD) weren’t ALWAYS picking up the pieces of the ILs lives. I wish you were able to enjoy this pregnancy with him. I know, small consolation, but at least you know – we GET it!

  10. Oh dear girl – I think we ALL get it… truly! I almost shot rootbeer out of my nose when I read the bit about snoring. (Can I borrow your couch sometime? It might be far enough away from Mr. Bean’s snoring!) It’s never selfish to want to feel adored and pampered and loved. That’s what marriage commitment is about. I’m a firm believer in “the marriage comes first” – above all else. Above kids. Above parents. Above work. If it doesn’t, it will become last. (offering assvice psychobabble here)… I’m sure a lot of the resentment about FIL comes from the whole IL story. I’m sure you would be a bit more understanding if you felt like you (via MR DD) weren’t ALWAYS picking up the pieces of the ILs lives. I wish you were able to enjoy this pregnancy with him. I know, small consolation, but at least you know – we GET it!

  11. This is not good. Can’t you ask him for at least a couple of evenings just for you? I can see why you are angry and resentful – I am angry for you too.

  12. Save from the pregnancy part of it, I feel you. I nearly bit my arm off this morning when I saw my husband’s dirty coffee mug that I can’t! put! in! the! dishwasher! and somehow *I* have to wash it by hand.

    Such a stupid minor thing, but considering I see The Daver about 5 hours a week (he is addicted to the work-a-hol, too) I’m pissed.

    So I can see completely why you’d feel resentful and angered by your husband right now.

    I’m raging with you right now. Seriously.

  13. It’s probably true his dad needs him and it’s probably true he won’t have much time to work on his projects after the baby arrives, but it seems to me he could take at least one day a week to come home early to spend time with you. And I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

  14. I understand exactly….fuck shit damn do I understand.

    Sigh, why don’t you ask him to give you some time to help out on your projects around the house, like moving furniture? Set a date and a time. Then he can’t object.

    As for the sick relative, I dunno, you’ve got me there. I’d like to kill my sick relatives who are hogging all of our energy and time, so my advice is pretty useless.

  15. Awww, Baby, you know *I* adore you. Even though I’m not the one you want the adoration from.

    Yeah, the whole Married, but single-parenting thing, kind of sucks.

  16. I just wrote a whole, huge long comment to you and then deleted it, because I decided that I apparently had more to write than I realized and should use up my own blog space to say it.

    The whole summary was–I understand. I really, truly get it. Coming at it from a different angle, but it sounds exactly like how I feel.

You can say it here.

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