no. 670 – Blog Tease

I'm moving.

You knew that, right?

From HERE to HERE!

And here's the feed for your bloglines or reader.google in case you like it the easy way: http://ddtko.wordpress.com/feed/

As for you that like it the hard way, you are my kind of people.

I'll probably set up the automatic redirect late next week or earlier the following week. In the meantime, I don't plan on posting much here because that just means more junk to export/import.

ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?

So it’s no big secret that I’m pregnant through a fresh donor-egg cycle. However, it has been rather difficult for me to really talk about being pregnant. You know, all that survivor-guilt bullshit added to the idea that I’m might just be tempting the gods to rain their fury down on me.

But it’s due time for me to just dump it all out here.

I’ll be 33 weeks tomorrow, the 29th of May. I had an OB appt today and I’ve gained a respectable 26 pounds. Only couple more than I did with XBoy. Then again, I was probably 20 pounds lighter seven years ago. I feel like a lumbering cow, thank you. My friend told me that at least my face doesn’t look fat…she’s lucky I like her.

It’s been an unfortunate act of nature that my placenta is anterior. Movement from the baby is greatly reduced. I never feel Murdock’s movements when standing. I would also have to say I rarely ever get any kicking. Instead it’s rolling, or as Michelle described recently with her pregnancy, the baby seems to be practicing a lot of yoga poses.

I cannot bend over to pick up things. Hence the reason I feel like crying when I drop things, which is often. Last night I sat on the floor, legs stretched out in front of me and tried to reach my toes. I could barely touch my knees. According to books and websites, when purchasing maternity clothes, purchase your regular pre-pregnancy size. They are fucking liars. Or, let me put this less harshly: purchase your regular pre-pregnancy size for your first and maybe your second trimester, but kiss anything size Small to Medium good-bye in the third. No matter that you may have been a size 2 before pregnancy, you will be a large or x-large by the 8th month. I dare you size 2 girls to dispute this openly.

I will have another ultrasound in two weeks to check Murdock’s growth and to see what is going on with his/her kidneys, which were measuring a bit large on our last ultrasound. I try not to think about it, nor google it, since OB said it’s usually  nothing to worry about. I will probably also do a non-stress test as an added precaution since that is what showed us that I required extra monitoring when I was pregnant with XBoy.

My OB also was swayed into letting me schedule a c-section a day earlier than 39 weeks. He said that the problems that have surfaced regarding earlier c-sections have to do with women who really don’t know when their due dates are. You know? Those women who get pregnant without either the low-tech ovulation sticks, or high-tech ART? So the next time someone dares to say to me, “You’re  the reason the cost of healthcare is rising,” in response to my c-section announcement will not only get a size 7 (OK, size 8. Shoe sizes don’t remain the same, either) shoved squarely up their ass but an earful of how it’s couples who don’t know the difference between ovulation and ovation; or luteal phase and lunar phase, that may be to blame.

So there you have it. Me at a mind-numbing 33 weeks pregnant. Still with no boy’s name*. Still with only the baby clothes that Shanna sent me (Thank you, again!). And still using the doppler after Murdock refuses to be poked, shoved or sugared up to move after what I think is still too long of a time motionless, which may only be 30 minutes.

Housekeeping notes (I almost typed “Hosekeeping…”):

Currently, there appears to be only one feed for this blog:

http://ddtko.wordpress.com/feed/

I don’t know if I need to do something else, or if this is the only one that I will have. Someone will have to let me know. Update/Add as you see fit.

I know how difficult or uncomfortable it can be to ask for a password. I feel a little intrusive and self-conscious when I have to ask, so I get it. The password protected posts are there to protect me from co-workers who continue to feel morally compelled to get information about my pregnancies, IVFs, and miscarriages from my blog rather than myself; and to keep my husband’s family from putting a hit on me. If you have asked for the password and I have not responded, it’s not because I don’t want you to have it. It’s because I didn’t get your email or it dropped into the spam bucket. Just let me know if I’ve missed you. If you feel more comfortable getting the password from a blogger you recognize from here, I don’t have a problem with that, either, as long as you as the blogger giving it out can vouch for the requester.

* Seriously, we have no idea one way or another if Murdock is a boy or a girl. It’s just that I have a girl’s name ready, but no boy’s name. I’m starting to stress a bit about that.

no. 669 – Is It Wrong?

Is it wrong…

…that every time I drop something on the floor I simultaneously get vertigo and want to burst into tears?

Verti

Is it wrong…

…that every time I walk down an aisle or hallway, I feel as if I’ve been transported into an old-fashioned western movie (in which case I would say this all damn day)?

Jwayne

Is it wrong…

…that every time I look down at the keyboard, I recall the Seinfeld episode about Man Hands?

Manhands

Yes, I’m bitching. I’m a hormonal, emotional mess. Venting keeps me from focusing on my fears. And I swear to you, I am more frightened now of something happening than I was during the first 14 weeks of this pregnancy. Countdown is (almost) official: exactly seven weeks from today is the latest we will have to go.

no. 668 – Curtain Call

I've started and deleted two posts today. I'm blocked.

So I thought I would just let you know now that I don't plan on keeping my TypePad account once it expires later in June.

Many of you already know about my other blog, recently renamed Punch Drunk. I've decided that it will be easier to update just one blog, while still having the advantage to password protect a handful of posts from the prying eyes of certain, unmentionable person(s).

I've hesitated in making the change because as a needy person in search of validation, the reality is that I know that's inevitable that some may not care to join me over there. On the other hand, I can read the writing on the wall and see that the trend had already started last summer.

I will probably still post here for the next couple of weeks, or at least until I can get everything I want from here to there. After that, I'll set up a redirect. I honestly don't know what TypePad's policy is for blogs that are not renewed, if they just stay in limbo or if they delete them…

I guess we'll find out together, won't we?

no. 667 (minus one) – Face Plants Are Kind Of Funny, After The Fact

Today I thought I'd share some of the more humorous moments from XBoy's introduction of his face to the metal gym bleachers. The first thing on my agenda was to clarify what had actually happened. I had been told that he ran the scooter into the bleachers. Of course, I immediately thought of this kind of scooter:

Scooter2wh

Sure, I wondered what the heck they were doing with a scooter like this in a gym, but hell, as long as it wasn't the motorized scooter that belonged to the neighbor, I hardly gave it a thought.

Then I found out it was THIS kind of scooter:

Kneescooter

Ok, I'm sorry since this is wrong on so many levels, but this was the closest image of the kind of scooter he was on (which should sound off warning bells in your head already), but if you are over the age of 20 and you had to participate in P.E. during elementary school, then you will know exactly of what kind of scooter I refer to. Come on now, think back 15, 20, 25 years ago. Wooden gym floors, jump ropes and red or blue vinyl covered plywood boards with four non-steerable wheels bolted to them. The kind that you would kneel on and no matter how many fucking times you ran over your own damn fingers from pushing yourself around (they didn't come with those nifty hand "shoes"), you would be the first to shove that wussy kid out of the way to get the first one out of storage the next time around.

If you have no idea of what I'm talking about, then you have not lived.

I don't know why it makes any difference since I'm sure one's face could just as easily be plowed into a solid vertical object with one kind of scooter as is the next.

As for the dental clinic, there was one caveat: I finally got to meet the new dentist. The young, hot, male dentist. However, his hotness and youngness did only one thing for me and that was to remind me that not only am I now of cougar qualifications, I know that I could never have Young, Hot, Male Dentist ever be my dentist. Is there anything less attractive than the inside of someone's mouth? All that saliva and teeth and tongue bumps and weird tissue tags and uvulas? Yuck. So I'm pretty sure I'll just maintain an aura of mystery and keep my mouth shut.

Coincidently, I had been meaning to blog about XBoy's teeth for some time now, ever since he lost his first two teeth some time ago. A chance for me to lament about his po' widdle bitty teef. I'm over that.

Instead, it just now reminds me of my own traumatic dental experiences.

First of all, no one I've met yet enjoys hearing about my own family's tradition in ridding one of us of a perfectly good loose tooth. You may have all had the strings and taffy and jaw breakers and whatnot to speed the actual tooth-pulling. You then, are a puss. You know what we had? We had a pair of pliers and if we were lucky, a paper towel. Actually, Dad had the pliers and Mom would try to cushion our tooth (or godalmightyforbid – teeth) from the pliers with the strategically folded paper towel. Dad would sit on our chest. Mom would hold our heads. Dad would take the pliers from the ever present location, a pliers holder on his belt, the same one he probably pulled a tick from the dog's ear not five minutes before, and wrap it around the loose tooth.

Oh, yes. He did.

We did also see a dentist once a year. Since my teeth have never been my best asset, the visits almost always included a magic carpet ride.

What? You don't know what a magic carpet ride is?

It's where they took the nasal mask and pumped nitrous oxide through it and then I would inhale deeply through my nose until I was left senseless, except for the absolute assuredly I had that I was flying about the tiny exam room on a magic carpet. I hated the dentist, but I really, really miss those precious moments. Almost enough to have snagged the nasal mask from XBoy's face for a hit. Unfortunately, the nurse with her fake tan and over-permed hair never left our sides.

And lastly, speaking of the nurse: I swear dental professionals must take a class in understanding the unique language of patients who are suffering through all kinds of oral injustices, whether it's cotton swabs, suction, dental dams, or like my son, refused to swallow the saliva for fear it was blood and preferred to drool the excess out.

I say this because prior to the actual extraction, XBoy is trying desperately to tell both Mr. DD and myself something. We just couldn't understand him. Instead we nodded and smiled as if we understood completely. After all was said and done, and he was hopped up on laughing gas and local anesthetic he was showing off his Iron Man sunglasses from Burger King to the nurse. Except he said, "Rar ga ees gashes fer Urgha Ig. Ay awr Arn Ma rungashes." And the nurse? She says, "You got those glasses from Burger King? And they're Iron Man sunglasses? That's so cool!"

I could have understood Swahili better than that marble-mouthed discussion.

I've also learned from this experience that just about everyone has their own horror story regarding a dental procedure. Feel free to share, because if you are like me, this stirred up all kinds of memories from the past (cue Wayne's World flashback sound – doo-dit-do, doo-dit-do, doo-dit-do – and waving hands). I'm pretty sure this one will be a story for XBoy to regale to his kids someday as well.

HELP FOR THE TECHNICALLY CHALLENGED

As I’ve been considering consolidating my life down from four blogs to three (I still maintain In-Laws Suck and then of course, Maternal Heart’s Essence), I need to become a little more wordpress savvy beyond the basics.

I don’t want emails to go to the ddknockedup address but to another email. I changed it in the Settings, but comments still go to knockedup. I feel a little self-conscious replying to your comments and knowing that you have to look at that stupid user name.

The other problem I’ve been trying to resolve is posting my feeds to here as one big file (OPTML or OPML or somethingorother file). I’ve tried on several occasions to import my bloglines, but it’s not working. Any suggestions on that one?

Lastly, what kind of things do you like to see on the side bars of a blog? What DON’T you like to see? If you don’t tell me, I won’t know, and I’m all about being a people-pleaser!

Except to my in-laws. Screw them.

no. 664 – My Plans Include Not To Have A Plan

As I log into Typepad, I now see why it was playing all kinds of fuckery with me the other night: they've updated some features…in case you wanted to know.

Today I had my 31 week OB appointment. Kind of. Even though I waited nearly an hour in the lobby, and then spent another 30 minutes in the exam room, the only person to see me was the obstetric nurse. Damn those OBs who are licensed to perform surgeries anyway. So an emergency c-section sent him out of the clinic. The nerve.

Blood pressure was one hundred something over eighty something. I never pay much attention because after being lauded so many times about having marvelous blood pressure, I sometimes wish to be surprised: "holy crap! you're blood pressure is 318 over 140!"

My measurements for the FunYums, fungus, fundum, fundus was 31inches cm. Apparently right on track. I make note because this is the first time it's been measured. Even though I'm on the twilight of 32 weeks, I had to ask for it.

Heart-rate in the 140 range, which prompted the nurse to guess that Murdock is a girl. Personally, I've never understood any of those old wives' tales, like the dangling ring, carrying height, or even the Chinese calendar predictions.

That's not to say I haven't plugged in information into the calendar predictions…

The problem with the Chinese calendar is that where it asks for age of mother at conception, do I use my age or the donor's? And then it wants to know month of conception. Since you use the Chinese calendar, which is not the same as the anglo's calendar, the months don't jive. And even if my feeble mind can figure that out, I'm not sure what their definition of conception is; the day of my LMP? or the day of retrieval and fertilization? If you don't think it matters, I can assure you that depending on what I use, the results are different: 50% of the time it's a boy and the other 50% of the time it's a girl.

Go figure (figuratively, not literally).

Lastly, we were going to try to schedule my c-section. For personal reasons, I want 7/16. Unfortunately, there has been a more recent hullabaloo about "early" c-sections (not just elective, but repeat), that strongly urges none to be scheduled prior to 39 weeks. 7/16 puts me less than two days shy of that magical 39.

"Of course, if you go into labor early then you would get the c-section early"…quote courtesy the nurse. Because that will be much more enjoyable than trying to make arrangements for my son and feel some measure of control.

Hey! Look at that! I'm actually bitching because I may not get the "birth plan" I want!

Next on T.K.O: Breastfeeding Woes and Belly Rubbing!! *

* Not really.

I Wouldn’t Call It a Foot Fetish

A friend and I were discussing pedicures the other day and it reminded me of my Foa Pa post from last year, which I should offer the disclaimer that the spelling of Faux Pas was indeed intentional. Part of the joke, as it were.

I personally don’t care for pedicures. Something about having a stranger touch and massage my feet gives me the willies. Maybe it’s because I feel a little guilty that someone might associate my visits with hairy toes and sandpaper heels.

I am still able to give some rudimentary attention to my feet, but I shamefully admit, it’s getting a little harder. My french pedicure looks like someone with with hand tremors painted my toe nails – while blindfolded. But from five feet away, they look acceptable. I’ve even managed to “buff” away the winter foot, although I do miss being able to scratch my leg by just running my heel up against the offending itch in the middle of the night. So what if I snagged the sheets occasionally?

During the conversation with my friend, we discussed the pedegg. Basically a battery operated cheese grater/citrus zester. What else could explain the contents that are supposedly emptied because I can’t and won’t imagine it to be sloughed, foot skin? Watch the promotional video on their website to get the whole affect.

This led me to wonder if it would be considered rude for me to keep a purse full of inexpensive buffers to hand out as needed to the people who haven’t realized yet that when they are wearing sandals/flip flops/mules that WE CAN SEE THEIR NASTY FEET! I think if I kept low-key they might not be offended – much like the gum commercial that pimps that industrial sized container of breath fresheners for the friendly, halitosis challenged office-mate.

It’s not that I’m being judgmental (OK, I’m being TOTALLY judgmental), but please, if you are living in the northern hemisphere, and therefore experiencing spring- and summer-like weather. check your feet. Now that I have mine in a semi-presentable state, I’ll schedule  an actual pedicure. Much like cleaning the house before the cleaning lady comes over.

no. 661 – One Down, 718 More To Go

I have it from good authority that my last couple of posts are not only just outright gross, I’m giving small children (who really shouldn’t be reading blogs over your shoulder) nightmares. So here’s something to replace the gore.

After hemming and hawing over a stroller and car seat for nearly two months, I finally have committed myself and credit card to purchasing both.

With XBoy we had purchased a travel system, which is another way of saying a heavy, bulky system that will become a real pain in the ass as soon as your child starts getting an attitude and believing anything that can be used to pull themselves up on is not something to passively ride in, or about 9 months old.

However, I found myself easily swayed by the siren of matching fabric, great ratings, and overall sense of progress –  so hey! who can remember anything from the past when one is hopped up on pregnancy hormones (which was given to me as an excuse recently from a kindergarten teacher when I told her I had received nothing with details about XBoy’s graduation, to which in my head I responded, "the baby is no sitting on my brain, but thanks for making it my problem").

Thankfully, the same "authority" complaining about bloody and pulpy fingers, reminded me of those times where I hated my first travel system. I did more research. I received emails from another leading authority and finally, I made a decision. I wanted this car seat; this stroller; and an extra base for the second vehicle.

Whoohoo!

Oh, wait. Hold the Whoohoo.

Babies-R-A Life Sucking Force didn’t have the color of car seat I wanted. Amazon didn’t have it available. Both of these websites claimed the stroller was out of stock, but had the car seat. Target had everything, including an outrageous shipping fee of $50.00 for the three items. I was getting frustrated all over again and about to say "fuck it and duck tape it". This attitude, however, was not going to be very helpful in getting Murdock discharged to home. I’m sure it’s not a written rule, but taping your baby to the roof rack cannot be good. Plus, it’s a bitch trying to remove the adhesive from auto paint.

I went to Baby Trend’s website and the last place I checked, which is the last place I shop unless out of sheer desperation mixed with a sense of mental torture, was WalMart. But lo! They had the car seat in the color I want. They had the stroller. They even had the extra seat base. Even better? While it’s a fact that each of the items was just a couple dollars cheaper at WalMart, the shipping was free if sent to the store.

Done and done.

Now watch them do a major recall on one, if not all of it.

Blah.

no. 660 – When Is A Finger Like a Tube of Toothpaste?

or…

When does a squashed finger require stitches?

To keep the fingernail from shooting out like Wolverine’s adamantium claws.

Mr. DD was setting up an expandable ladder at work. He thought he had one pin set while working the other side, but it wasn’t. While he was able to whip his hands out of the way as the weight of one side slammed into the other, the longest digit was millimeters too long. The results? The prior post.

Last night, when I helped him change the dressing, I asked why the stitches since he didn’t technically tear the skin. The ER doc told him he was setting the stitches as if he was grafting the nail bed back into the tissue.

Imagine a tube of toothpaste with the lid on. Now run over the toothpaste with your car. What do you think happens to the paste? It’s going to come out at the point of least resistance.

Well that’s what happened to the fingernail. It was literally squeezed out of his finger. Gross, huh?

He was worried I was going to not being able to handle the dressing change when in fact I found it quite fascinating. Sure it was ugly and all, but to have your fingernail squeezed out? When will I ever get to see that again?!

He’s on some pain meds (which he doesn’t want to take because of course it doesn’t feel too bad – right now but that SOB will be aching by the middle of the day) and antibiotic. He’ll see an orthopod next week to see if the nail can really be saved and then sometime later, the stitches will be removed.

For now, he’s doing OK. Angry with himself for letting it happen as well as a little grumpy because wiping his ass is a tad difficult. I’ll help with the dressing change, but he’s on his own there.

no. 659 – Someone Has a Boo-Boo

My husband has had little one-on-one interaction with anyone in the medical field. In other words, it takes something serious to get him to see a doctor (we’ll just exclude our RE for demonstrative purposes at this time).

His most recent visit to the emergency room was due to a kidney stone. Of course, it wasn’t until he was literally crawling on the floor in pain to convince him it wasn’t just constipation.

Prior to that, I think it was the iron vs. knee battle. Good times, that was.

And before even that? I think it was back when XBoy was a baby. You know, five, six years ago? And that was when he accidentally tried to drill a hole in his thumb.

Overall, I think he’s done fairly well in keeping himself safe, considering the kind of work he does and the number of tools he uses daily that require electricity. And actually, I shouldn’t even count the kidney stone since that was basically out of his control.

As you may have guessed by now, I wouldn’t be reminding you of these events if it wasn’t for the fact that Mr. DD called me to let me know he was on the way to the emergency room. A smashed fingernail, he said. Knowing him, it couldn’t possibly be as simple as a smashed fingernail, now could it?

You be the judge:

Finger1

Pretty, no?

So I of course replied to this camera phone message with a few sympathetic and encouraging words (HAHAHAhahahahah!!!!), to which my sweet husband then responded with this image:

Finger2

Actually, this is missing the note that he sent with the picture:

"I’m flipping you off."

Is that love or what?!

It would seem that the doctor believes he will lose the nail, root and all. Luckily, both of our sense of humors (or should that read: senses of humor?) are still intact.