no. 653 – Spork You

I was asked recently by one of Mr. DD’s relatives, "How’s project number two coming along?" I can’t begin to explain how torn I was between scooping out his testicles with a spork or replying, "Glad to know that four of those other pesky non-pregnancies don’t count towards my list of ‘projects’." And yes, I would have been as equally annoyed if he had asked about "project number six"…

A co-worker asked about my due date, with which I replied sometime in July. They persisted and wanted to know beginning, middle or end of July? I said that I was shooting for the middle, depending on when we could schedule my c-section…."Oh, YOU’RE the reason the cost of healthcare continues to skyrocket!" Again, the thought of spork-mutilation crossed my mind as I smiled thinly in reply and thought, "Fuck you sideways, asshole, as I think my insurance can cover that little, minor detail of a surgical delivery considering I’ve hemorrhaged thousands of dollars (not to mention a little blood here and there) these past few years just to get to this point."

In an unbelievable moment of stupidity, I thought I would try to spray paint something for a school project last night while still in my work clothes. When the can sputtered and shot BLACK paint all over my arm, in a panic I did a quick personal pat-down to make sure it only hit my skin. I almost breathed a sigh of relief until I spied my shoes. Right on the toe of my fairly new Sofft skimmers, a black drop of paint. If the tines of my spork were still intact, I would gouge out my own brain as punishment for its uselessness.

12 thoughts on “no. 653 – Spork You”

  1. Wow! I haven’t been by in quite a while and evidently have missed ALOT!

    Congrats on the pregnancy!

    Wow that co-worker was completely insensitive and ignorant. Legitimate people like you are NOT the reason healthcare goes up, it’s all the freeloaders and hypochondriacs that do.

    Hope all else is well with you!

  2. Really? No one has asked you about your hemmoroids or if your boobs have started leaking yet? What’s wrong with these people?

    Ooooh, pretty shoes.

  3. What. The. F&ck. i always figured you were responsible for the rising cost of healthcare. global warming too. and grade inflation. BAAAAD DD.

  4. Could these people BE any more insensitive? (say it in your best Chandler Bing voice) Ditch the spork give ’em both a full on fork to the areas you mentioned.

    I hope the above suggestion for getting the paint off works. Because I really like those shoes, so much so that I may need to get a pair for my boat feet.

  5. some people really dont think before they speak huh? same as above. bastards…
    3.and wow. i would totally do something like that. if you try the solution above, i hope it works.

  6. Wow. That one beats out the “you aren’t a mom until you have 2” comment that I got. Then again, you might be lucky enough to get that one also!

    Does said co-worker have any bad habits (smoking, drinking a lot, even being lazy)? It would be awfully tempting to respond with “My c-section is a one-time expense–your problems are going to cost a hell of a lot more in the long run!”

    Sporks aren’t used nearly often enough for mutilation these days. I think you have just cause to fix that problem.

  7. If the paint is dry, scrape as much off as you can with a butter knife or your fingernail. Then take a q-tips with either fingernail polish remover or paint thinner and soak, not rub. Then a dry papertowel to DAB it up. You might have to do that a couple times or more but that should work and as long as the polish remover, if that is what you use, is not tinted you should get your shoe back to almost perfect.

    Good luck. You scheduled c-section people, jacking up my premium. (snort!) I can’t talk at all considering I am a state employee so according to everyone else it is all my fault that insurance costs are rising, because I went and had another baby, at my age. (gasp!) They can all bite me.

    Hey, I finally have those things in a box. They might get there before Murdock puts you in the home. 😉

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