Friday morning during rounds, OB stated as long as I felt up to it and ZGirl checked out OK, I could be discharged. While the accommodations at the hospital have been adequate, I just wanted to be home. I showered, changed into the clothes I wore to the hospital (bumming myself out in the process that they “fit” just as niftily then as they did a week before), and vegged out and watched House Hunters long enough to wonder why anyone would ever want to purchase a 900sq ft condo in New York for 1.9M when a 900sq ft house here in Nebraska could be scooped up for as little as $25,000 depending on whether or not there are any bonus amenities like traffic lights located within city limits.

I didn’t realize that my discharge orders wouldn’t be written until some time after 5:00 pm. At least I didn’t have to pay for Friday’s room since I technically was not part of the hospital’s census, which means my butt wasn’t in their bed at midnight. Word to the wise, people.

I changed ZGirl into the pink outfit, one of the two I had brought along, the other being green. And waited. During my wait, the nursery nurse managed to freak me out a bit by mentioning that ZGirl’s bilirubin was at such-and-such levels and that Pediatrician would let me know more. Her levels were fine, but she did have bit of a yellow face, which has since cleared up.

Mr. DD showed up with XBoy and the carseat and we loaded her into it and walked out to the nurse’s station, only to be shooed back into my room by the Carseat Nazi. She took one look at my Kiddopotamus insert supporting ZGirl so nicely and declared in her most saccharine and patronizing voice that the carseat had not been crash tested with that particular insert and then proceeded to scare the shit out of me with what could happen.

I tried to bluff my way through and explain that the insert had been tested while at the same time lifting ZGirl back out of the seat. “Well, I can ask Soandso…” “Don’t bother. I’ve already got ZGirl out of the seat. I’ll just remove it and get her back in so we can go.”

Then I put ZGirl back in, tightened the NASA designed straps, and asked Mr. DD for the extra blanket to put around her head to keep it fairly upright. “No, I’m sorry,” said Carseat Nazi, “but the blanket can be loosened in a car crash and smother her if it fell over her face. Instead we can give you a couple of rolled up receiving blankets to put on either side of her head…” How the fuck that was any safer then either the insert or blanket was beyond me.

“No. It’s fine. Let’s just get going.” Mr. DD recognized my tone and we give each other The Look behind Carseat Nazi’s back. The Look that says, “Please don’t bitch slap the nurse here in public” and helped me into the wheel chair, put the carseat on my lap and headed towards the unit’s exit.

Carseat Nazi chirped along merrily and she took over the pushing at such a slow pace I wanted to jump out of the chair and sprint ahead – c-section be damned. We reached the car at which point she noticed my kankles and started with the assvice about that as well. I think while she was in the middle of congratulations and wishing us the best that I shut the car door in her face, smiled and waved good-bye.

Since then, I verified that the insert has been tested and passed carseat safety testing. Mr. DD said I should send her the info, but I’m not wasting any more time thinking about the incident then I already have. It was an example of one of my rarer moments of where I’d rather just suck it up then try to have my way.

Just look at how mature I am! I turn 39*, have a baby, and act like a big girl – all within a couple of weeks!


* 39 years old or in the general vicinity.


  1. we were backward enough to buy a “normal” car seat — not the sort that works with a stroller and is removeable, but the sort that you put in your car and keep in your car until your kid hits 45 pounds. you should have seen our nurse’s face when we explained to her that we didn’t purchase a mobile car seat and that if she wanted to see the baby loaded in the car properly she would have to walk outside with us *while we held the baby in our arms* and watch us put the baby in. you’da thought she’d been told she just had to have a root canal with no pain relief.

  2. Having read the post and many of the responses, I have to wonder if there’s some sort of assvice test that these people have to pass in order to get the job of Carseat Nazi.

    I horrified our Carseat Nazi when, after getting P secured in his seat and being sure that it was properly installed in the car, I climbed into the front seat. Not in the back next to P. You could almost hear her thinking that I am a horrible mom for not sitting next to my newborn baby. I am left to believe that I am the only woman who has ever done such a thing in the history of our hospital.

  3. OMG. That nurse sounds like my stepmom! Always doling out advice that isn’t requested. Congratulations on keeping your temper!

    My daughters were both under 6 pounds. Didn’t have that cool seat insert. We used rolled up receiving blankets, extra blankets, etc etc. Took them out of the booster seats at age 5 and 6 since the car was too small and the kids too big. Now our state is trying to tell us to keep our kids in a booster until age 8 – or until they’re 4 foot 9! How ridiculous is THAT? (especially since my kids probably won’t reach that height til their 15. LOL)

    Some people just unnecessarily scare themselves and others with all the “possibilities”. Nothing is 100% safe in this world. So go with your gut instinct.

  4. Ha! They did the same thing with Baby O’s insert. The same tone of voice, too.

    I waited until the nurse left the room and used it anyway. Thankfully we could just leave and escaped the whole wheelchair caravan. 🙂

  5. PS: they don’t let any one escape from the Maternity ward at my hospital unless you bring the carseat in with you, and then they check to make sure you know how to use it…

  6. HA! I’m so glad I’m not the only one that happened to…except it was the car seat guy from our local RESCUE unit who told us not to use the head support thingy. We did the rolled up blanket thing for about the first month,maybe less, but the Chieftain only went in the car a couple of times during that month, so it didn’t matter much in the end.

  7. All my hospital have said on the carseat matter is that I should have one, and it is my business to get it properly fitted. Not their nursing staff’s.

    A big meconium poop to the Carseat Nazi,


  8. Our baby nazis wouldn’t let us use a carseat: safest in mommy’s arms, they said. I almost lost it (had been trying to check out for about 4 hours) but the nice woman who drove us home spoke the politest Japanese and got us out with the carseat and everything. There’s always someone to give the most unneeded advice!

  9. Awww you should have totally bitch slapped the nurse. Perhaps I can since you didn’t?

    Instead of the specially designed insert you should pile several receiving blankets? Yah that sounds safe.

  10. You know, wanting to think about it or not.. I’d send it to her. LOL! That saves some other poor soul from having to endure the same thing (when they are itching to get out). Gotta love those people who “know it all” even if they don’t. Glad you guys are home.

  11. Our carseat nurse freak tried to crush Julius’ shoulders with the straps on the way out. The only reason I didn’t tell her to eff off is because she was the one who helped me get discharged faster.

    We just changed it all back when we went around the corner and she couldn’t see us anymore.

  12. Seems there is a Carseat Nazi in every hospital (I had one too way back in 2003… geez, were there even carseats back then)? Oh, I kid.

    Welcome Home Zgirl!

  13. Your carseat experience made me laugh. To leave the NICU our kiddos had to pass a car seat test. You know just to make sure the didn’t stop breathing on the way home. Yup that made me feel real excited about breaking out. Anyway they also told us nothing could be added to the car seat for the same reason you were told, but then they proceeded to wedge receiving blankets all around our barely 5 lb babies. Poor little Kate had 5 blankets. They took up more space then she did! How is that better than your cool padding. I wish I had known about those. It looks so comfortable.

  14. Dear DD, I wonder if this woman is a former flight attendant. Several times, they have made me take Banana out of her carseat during takeoff and landing — the hairiest bits of the flight — because the carseat merely says “suitable for use on aircraft” instead of having some mythical required sticker on it. It’s hard to see the logic here — you’d think being strapped into a firmly secured carseat (ANY carseat, even a bad one — which ours most definitely is not) would offer better chances of survival for a baby than being a potential projectile in mommy’s arms…

  15. I give you great big kudos for not going off on the woman. It is one thing to offer saccharine assvice to a 22 year old first time mom…it is something completely different to do it to a more mature mother of 2. I am such an awful patient that I am sure I would have snapped at her and Steve would have been stepping between us.

  16. I’m shocked that she’d dole out such assvice. When I used to discharge ladies home, it was hospital policy to NOT give any advice about carseats. So we couldn’t be sued.

You can say it here.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s