BALL AND CHAIN

It’s been a matter of time management to do more than to sit and read emails or leave a comment. Something I am not good at since I’m trying to make sure that sleep and food remain a priority. Unfortunately, I’m not always successful hence my raccoon eyes, continuing weight loss (from everywhere but my ass), and the ability for my husband to peak my bitch-o-meter in the blink of an eye.

But I need to post something even though I’ve struggled with whether or not to do so. Here’s what I’ve asked myself: is it worse to read about a blogger and her new baby when she goes endlessly on about how the baby’s beyond perfect as she’s pooping diamonds and being sought for a baby food modeling contract and sleeping eight hours every night plus napping for three hours two times a day…; or read about the complaints about becoming a boob buffet and feeling as if her showers last longer than her nights of sleep?

Well since it’s a matter of what state of mind the reader is in, either scenario is annoying. So here’s the deal, I’m going to just be blunt and tell you right now things kind of suck.

I’m so unbelievably tired. So tired that as I zone out while nursing ZGirl, objects swim in front of me like mirages (I just had to ask my husband what does one call it when they’ve been in a desert for so long they start going crazy and seeing things¬† – that’s how damn tired I am). ZGirl, while a good nurser, is a horrible sleeper. I repeat, horrible. She’s six weeks old and she sleeps less now then she did at two weeks old. During the day, she cat naps for maybe 45 minutes sporadically. I never know if I should try to lay down since within minutes of me doing so, she wakes up.

We have tried to introduce a bottle, the results of which were anything but pleasant. In fact, after one very disastrous attempt, she was so hysterical by the time I took her to try nursing that her breathing was¬†much like a Chihuahua’s would be after running nonstop for twenty minutes in 100 degree heat. And that night? We figure she decided to teach us a lesson as she didn’t sleep for longer than 90 minutes at a stretch…it has been the lowest point so far for me.

Mr. DD, who has been ripped a new asshole so often, it’s a miracle he can sit, is finally getting how shitty I’ve been feeling. He’s the one who put into words how I’ve been feeling about ZGirl’s endless demands: she’s my ball and chain.

I know that there will come a day that all of this will seem so trivial. It’ll probably come when ZGirl first screams at me from the backseat, “You’re not a good Mom!” as XBoy did a couple years ago (at least it no longer breaks my heart). But right now? It’s been hard. Really, really, REALLY hard on me both emotionally and physically, which explains my limited presence both here and at your blogs. I wish I could say it was because she was shitting diamonds, burping up butterflies and conjuring unicorns with each of her little grins.

It’ll get better. It has to. My sanity depends on it.