OPEN WOUNDS AND SALT

Many of you probably saw this postcard through Postsecret. Would you believe that even now, the sentiment is still true for me?

It was through our baptimsal classes that those feelings really came to a head. Here we were, participating in these classes out of necessity and tradition, not those of faith, sitting amongst several couples, many who were still pregnant and wanting to crawl out of my skin.

One of the exercises presented during the class was to think of a moment or event that completely shifted the dynamic of our marriage; something that made us closer. Mr. DD whispered to me that we should share our miscarriages and treatment with the group. I shook my head no. One, with the church frowning on IVF, I didn’t think it was a good idea to open that can of worms; and two, after the couple who were sponsoring the classes shared their miscarriage story, I just couldn’t.

Her story started like so many others: a heart beat that was too slow; a follow-up ultrasound to see what was happening to the baby, which was on her birthday; an immediate D&C. My heart went out to her knowing that the date she lost her son would never be forgotten. But then she said something that I just couldn’t relate to, that made me grit my teeth and curl my nails into my palm: There was a reason – a purpose – that her son died. Knowing he was in the Holy Mother’s arms gave meaning to his death.

Her announcement made me angry…and envious.

I wish I could have that kind of faith so I wouldn’t feel my heart constrict in jealousy when I see other pregnant women. I don’t even give them the benefit of the doubt, that it might have been difficult for them, too. I am not just jealous of how easy it probably was for them, but of how they get to complain about the pregnancy without guilt or judgement.

As I said in my last post, infertility has shadowed my views on just about everything around me. I don’t get the rose-colored glasses. Mine are peuce-green. Maybe now I’m just trying to excorcise all the infertilty demons and that’s why I’ve been writing about them again. I want to enjoy being a new mom as the days and weeks are floating away from me like the seeds of cotton trees. ZGirl turned 8 weeks on Wednesday. I go back to work in just three more. I don’t want to find myself so preoccupied with what could have been that I forget to stop and enjoy more of this:

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20 thoughts on “OPEN WOUNDS AND SALT”

  1. My teeth are gritting right now. I have a relative that lives her life daily saying “it is gods will” about EVERYTHING. The tomatoes are rotten..its gods will, the toilet overflowed…its gods will. It makes me crazy. I lost a lot of my faith when my mom died a horrible death when S2 was just a few weeks old. I still haven’t quite forgiven god for that…it was beyond cruel. I was raised as a bad catholic but fortunately I am in a 12 step program for bad catholics> I am the only member of my group and I agree with everything I say so it must be working 🙂

    Is Zgirl spitting bubbles yet? She has that look on her face like she is ready to give you the raspberries 🙂

  2. That baby girl is gorgeous!

    I have never liked the idea that everything is God’s will. While I am not very religious now, I was brought up that God was there with you, whatever happened. God did not CAUSE the bad things. God was there to support you through the bad things.

  3. I don’t think God is the source of the bad things in our lives. I think we can’t really know what is from God or what is not, or what is good from God’s perspective and what is not. I know God suffers with me when I suffer, and God cries with me when I cry. But I don’t think God necessarily causes suffering. It’s possible, I suppose.

    I know I find it horridly condescending when people tell me the awful things I’m enduring are God’s will. That’s so fatalistic, not Christian at all.

  4. What a cute baby you have there.

    I can’t find meaning in tragedy and loss the way people of faith seem to. Perhaps they are deluding themselves? In a way they are lucky that they can explain the unexplainable to themselves.

  5. DD, if you REALLY want that kind of faith, it’s yours for the asking. But it may not be placed right in your lap…you may have to step out to meet it.

    There’s a great line I really love from the movie “Evan Almighty,” where Morgan Freeman (playing the role of God) says to a character something along the lines of:
    “If a person prays for courage, do you think God just hands them courage? Or does he give them situations in which to be courageous?”

    That quote has given me food for thought many a time.

    Z-girl is getting big…love her beautiful smile.

  6. First off, your little girl is just gorgeous. That smile!

    I too am stymied by people who are able to find meaning in any tragedy–I can fully relate to both the anger and the envy.

    As for still feeling laid low by infertility and those dark thoughts–I will say that for me, even though it’s kind of obnoxious low background music, the sting has faded considerably over the past two years. I hope the same happens for you.

  7. A neighbor/friend just told me that she thought she was pg. Did you poas? was my immediate response. Yes she did, it was positive. She went on to say they they ‘ONLY had unprotected sex twice and her husband wasn’t happy about the news’. Fuck You went through my head and that sinking feeling in my heart came on. I’m still bitter, a week later. In theory, I shouldn’t be. I am 21 weeks pg and everything is fine (so far). I’m sorry that you had to listen to the woman in baptism class. I wish there was some kind of radar that we could turn on and just tune it all out.
    Karen

  8. First of all – I love z-girl. She’s not just cute but she seems so alert and full of beans (my guess is that she still isn’t sleeping too well?)

    And then on to the infertility part of the post. I really don’t get mad or bitter at pregnant women. I do tend to get a slight twinge but it’s pretty small. However, I still am incredibly sad about all my miscarriages and I just don’t see there will be a day when I can even think about them without feeling completely hollow (some might say frozen). I wish to god that someone could tell me how to deal with all the emotional scars – damn but I hate being a gimp. Maybe it would help if I could feel some anger but it’s not there – just grief.

    Have to go – my daughter is awake from her 20 minute nap – and this is a good day.

    DinoD

  9. I’ve been questioning my faith a lot lately… accelerated by the fact that we started going back to church on a regular basis since D is in Catholic school. I am sick of hearing that my failures are meant to be. How could my God be that cruel to me? To my husband? To my son that longs for a brother or sister? I feel like I am ever so quietly drifting off the radar… getting more and more angry. I thought that reinvigorating my faith would be a step in the right direction, but now I’m just more pissed off.

    ZGirl’s smile is addictive… she is such a treasure DD.

  10. While I do believe that my baby is in Heaven, I don’t think that God put me through the pain and suffering of a miscarriage.

    I do know that my Faith gave me the strength to get through it and to try again. I thank God every day for my children, as I’m sure you do too.

    I guess there will always be that little bit of jealousy/envy when things come so easily to others.

    Z-Girl is so darn cute! What a beautiful smile.

  11. Although I disagree with a previous commenter that doctors are necessarily to blame when a pregnancy doesn’t go to term, I do agree that the divine reason thing just doesn’t wash. But then again, if that’s what people have to cling to in order to make it from one day to the next, then more power to them. Just don’t try to shove that crap down anyone else’s throat.

    That girl is just beautiful. Love her smile!

  12. Those comments about a reason and a purpose never gave me comfort – they just pissed me off. But I am glad some people can find comfort I suppose.

    Wow she is darling! Love that smile. I’ve gotten a few tentative ones but nothing full on like that yet.

  13. This is the reason I cannot stand listening to lay people (like those people who headed up your class) talk about God and pregnancy loss.

    God doesn’t kill babies, and he doesn’t save them, Doctors are the fuck ups. A society that does not give a shit about pregnancy loss is the fault here. And if I live to be 312 years old I will never never understand why we let the Docs off the hook and blame God.

    Sigh, take it easy hon. Take it easy.

  14. I totally get it. Now that Max is older it isn’t as often, but once in a while I get that pang of “wonder if it was easy for her?” and why wasn’t it for me…

    Then I look at Max and he tells me “go! bye!” and heads to the door and it doesn’t matter as much. It will always matter some though, I think.

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