I was more than ready to go back to work after my 12week leave when I had XBoy. I don’t think it had anything to do with how secure I felt as a parent since logically the 2nd child – especially six years later – should be a cake walk. But this time around, I am scared witless to leave ZGirl in the care of strangers. I cannot give the care giver a schedule because she has none. I cannot give them an idea of how much she eats at any one time as I am clueless. I’m even supposed to have each bottle prepared for the day. When I remembered this yesterday, I nearly hyperventilated.

Of course, yesterday would have been a good day to freak out since it was the first time I left ZGirl for a whole day. While it was with someone I trust inexplicably, my mother, I then started to imagine her walking around with ZGirl and having a massive heart attack and no one finding either of them for hours…anti-anxiety meds, anyone? I don’t think it even helped to hear that everything was fine via several phone calls to both the house and my husband. She was perfect. No problems. No complaints. What the hell? Who gave my baby Nyquil?

Apparently forcing my daughter to take a bottle doesn’t work. Who knew? Instead my mom said she just let her play with the bottle’s nipple and then she drank. I wish my Mom lived with us. Strike me now since that has also been a real fear of mine.

I remember not being successful when it came to breastfeeding XBoy. Eventually I got over it and thought, meh, what’s the big deal anyway? Now I’m dealing with a baby who won’t take a bottle. I had a “mini” breakdown (OK, MAXI breakdown) the other night about it after an hour of solid screaming and crying to the point of ZGirl gasping and hiccuping herself into an exhausted and fitful sleep because we were trying to feed her with a bottle, I asked my husband how could something I thought would be the most beneficial for her – breastfeeding – now end up being the bane of my last couple of weeks home with her? Maybe formula isn’t “the” best, if one was to judge what is best  by all the literature that comes with the breastmilk storage bags, but at least she wouldn’t be crying hysterically with each feeding attempt.

Ugh. Does the self-flagellation ever end?

So the reason I left her for the whole day was to go to the Metro for some shopping. I still needed a few things for ZGirl’s transition to her room and my mom thought it’d be good for me to get out of the house. In the past, I’ve just gone to Toysrus since they have a small baby section. I didn’t know until a store rep told me that the Metro now had a Babiesrus. I thought, “cool”, and headed off to the new store.

Thank the almighty lord on high I had never tried that any time during the past four years while going through treatments. It was overwhelming to say the least. The combination of very pregnant women and endless dispays of decorated cribs and 15 foot high shelving just for nipples? Ack! I couldn’t get out of there soon enough (making me forget hangers, dammit).

Anyone willing to become a nanny for ZGirl? I keep Baileys Irish Cream and some kind of fancy scotch and ice cream on hand. Of course, that would double as payment as well as off hours recreational enjoyment. (Speaking of which, yes I do have a couple of packages to send out – I haven’t forgot.)

I have more serious things to share with you about XBoy, but that will have to wait until after his doctor’s appointment Wednesday. That post will be protected so just a head up to any newbies. I am both hopeful about the possible results since we may finally be able to know what’s going on and dreading what lies ahead.

Thanks again for joining me for yet another schizophrenic post. Yikes.