This morning, I took XBoy aside and with a permanent marker, drew a heart in the palm of his hand and told him whenever he needs me today, he just needs to look at it and know I am thinking of him.*
He took with him a complete little heart while mine is breaking because quite frankly, I don’t think it will make a difference.
* Yes, you may recall a commercial that does the same. It takes on a whole new meaning to me now.
I made it through my first day of being back to work with only three teary “moments”, which in my Book of Emotional Breakdowns is rather stellar.
Mr. DD told me I wasn’t this nervous with XBoy, but I don’t know if that’s accurate. It’s been so long ago. On the other hand, the circumstances of ZGirl’s first day care is different. XBoy went to a private home day care where we interviewed several care givers; went to their homes. ZGirl is going to a center. I met only the director in her case, so dropping her off yesterday with a strange girl? It was nerve shattering and turning around and leaving her there felt wrong on so many levels.
I did not call the center once and as tempting as it was to get in my car and see her over lunch, I did not. I think that’s for the best, especially since when I picked her up after work yesterday, she went ballistic once she caught my scent.
When I talked to a friend about how my nerves might be a little more jingley-jangley this time around, I jokingly said that if something happens to ZGirl, there’s no “replacement baby” in the wings. I don’t get a do-over in the baby game. It’s a sick joke, but true. I even mentioned to the girl at the center that I was rather nervous about leaving her their for her first day as it took me four years to get her here.
I did take a little comfort in the report that was sent home with her. They noted that she was a “happy baby” and that “she had a great first day!”.
If I had a report to bring home with me, I wish it could have said the same.
At 4:30 p.m. today, my 12 week maternity leave ended.