NEWTON’S LAW

I have made a handful of references to the size of my son’s noggin. He gets it from his father’s side of the family as there have been multiple comments from my own family and friends about my own pin-headedness. Yes, at the time, they were referring to the size of my head and not what was in it.

It would seem that ZGirl’s own head is quite magnificent in its mass as well.

Both children demonstrated this weekend that their craniums have their own individual gravitational pull with dire consequences.

While out dining this weekend, the waitress had just delivered the table’s drink order. She turned away with the empty drink tray and smacked XBoy, who was returning from the salad bar, soundly on the cheek with the edge of the tray. Of course the waitress was very apologetic and concerned even though it was neither of their faults. XBoy held back tears but I could tell he was in a lot of pain. Now, a couple days later, while there is no bruise he claims the spot is still tender to the touch. I’m just thankful it wasn’t his eye, or his nose, or thank-the-lord, his teeth.

ZGirl is working on that whole hand/eye/mouth coordination business with little success. She reached for the plastic ring that rattles from my mother, snagged it, and then… I think it would be much easier to describe what happened by what was heard:

*rattle, rattle….rattlerattlerattle, rattle*

*rattle….THUNK!*

*SCRRRRREEEEEaammmmmMMMM!*

Hard, plastic rattle? Meet soft, delicate skin of baby’s forehead.

As a result? Her first boo-boo, a bruise the size of a pencil’s eraser.

It’s only the beginning. In the picture below, XBoy had TWO.

XBoy 8mos
XBoy 8mos
ZGirl’s bruise didn’t show in the photo, but I’m posting it any way because she’s just so damn cute.
ZGirl 4mos
ZGirl 4mos

SANCTITY? OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID “SPANK ME”

When those  people preach about protecting the “sanctity” of marriage, these are just a few images that come to my mind of some unions that while they fit their  idea of sanctity, they can hardly be exemplified:

Anna Nicole and J. Howard
Anna Nicole and J. Howard
Of course she didn’t marry him for his money. It was because he was such a good kisser, having no teeth and all.
Kimberley and Hugh
Kimberley and Hugh
While these two actually separated in 1999, they are legally still married. Talk about an open marriage.
Lisa and Clark
Lisa and Clark
Sorry, no picture of Clark…since he was ONLY 15! Also? This picture makes her look much younger than her 37 years, doesn’t it?
Liz and Any Eligible Man
Liz and Any Eligible Man
Elizabeth believed so much in the sanctity of marriage that she did it 9 times. Twice to the same guy.
Mickey and Co.
It must be true: women find a sense of humor extremely attractive. That must mean that Mickey had his eight wives laughing all the way to the alter.
Arnolfini and Giovanna
Arnolfini and Giovanna

Shotgun wedding – old school. (Ok, technically, she wasn’t pregnant, but still it happens every day. It’s just that today’s portraits of skinny, creepy dudes and their 9 1/2 month pregnant soon-to-be wives are captured via polaraid cameras left scattered about on hay bales and the groom is wearing camo.

P.S. I don’t know ‘brentwillie’ but he had a nice collection of redneck wedding photos for your viewing pleasure.

SORRY ABOUT YOUR DICK

The other day after I exited a store, I was walking to my car. It was parked on the far side of a pick-up truck (grey silverado, 4 door, Knox county, Nebraska) that the customer preceding me climbed into and started.

As I got closer, the back-up lamps came on as he put his Redneck Mobile into reverse.

He turned to look behind him. I was now directly in his line of vision. He applied pressure to the gas peddle and his Silver-sackless Truck slowly started to move.

While he was looking right at me now glaring at him!

I continued to glare while mouthing, “I’m walking here!”

I didn’t falter or slow my steps.

We continued to stare down each other until I reached my car door and inserted the keys. He had now backed completely out his stall.

I sat down behind the wheel and shut my door. I heard a honk. I looked over and there was Dickless giving me the finger. Without hesitating I returned the favor and even added “Fuck you!” to the exchange.

What a chickenshit. This guy had to wait until he and his limp dick were safely instead his truck and moving before “engaging” me in some unjustified road rage? In a word, the guy was Douche-arrific.

For me, I was pretty proud of the fact that even with sunglasses on, I had given that guy a complete mind fuck as well as a mental ball flogging.

Do not doubt the power of My Glare!

Blog T-Shirt
Blog T-Shirt
Buy this product at CafePress
Designed by Moosie Merchandise

Geohde, maybe you can use this at your next Mother’s Group meeting.

NO WHERE BUTT NEBRASKA

From the MyWay news website (bold is my emphasis)

Suspect arrested for greasy imprints in Neb. town

 

 Email this Story

Nov 22, 12:15 AM (ET) 

OMAHA, Neb. (AP) – Police have arrested a man suspected of leaving greasy, graphic imprints on the windows of stores, churches and schools in a small Nebraska town. A 35-year-old man was caught in the act by police early Wednesday morning, Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said Friday. The man hasn’t been charged yet, but authorities believe he is the vandal some townsfolk have dubbed the “Butt Bandit.”

Beginning in spring of 2007, a mystery vandal visited businesses at night, pressing his naked behind – sometimes his groin, sometimes both – on windows. The marks were made with lotion or petroleum jelly, and while police had earlier worried copycat criminals were getting involved, Scott said they now believe it’s “the act of a lone deviant.”

“This isn’t normal behavior for Valentine, Neb.,” Scott said. “It’s an embarrassment for the hardworking people who live here.”

The man was spotted by police about 3:30 a.m. Wednesday and arrested without incident, Scott said. The suspect appears to be the same man caught on a surveillance camera at the middle school last year, he said.

Valentine, a town of about 2,650 in remote north-central Nebraska, lies near the scenic Niobrara River. The city was named one of the top “wilderness” towns in the country last year by National Geographic Adventure magazine.

People from around the country send Valentine’s Day cards to the city’s post office so they can be mailed out with the word “Valentine” stamped on them.

The past two summers, the bandit struck business after business, window after window.

He stopped over the fall and winter.

During one particularly brazen session, virtually all the windows at a local hotel were imprinted.

I *heart* Nebraska.

HORMONAL IMBALANCE

After much complaining over my husband’s lack of initiative in doing simple house-hold chores, a fact displayed when I deliberately parked the vacuum cleaner in his path to his side of the bed in which he had the audacity to complain about it not being put away, and then it sat there for a whole week untouched, he actually made a “This might get me laid” attempt this weekend.

“Might” was not just an operative word, but a losing proposition, as you will see.

I’m in ZGirl’s room, nursing, therefore, occupied.

He pops his head around the corner of the doorway, “Do we have any more of the clorox refills for the toilet wand?”

“Yes. There’s a full box in the laundry room (where you left them a couple weeks ago after you went to the store to buy some. Where you left them instead of putting them away in the cabinet under the sink. Where you left them taking up valuable space on my counter top where I fold the laundry. That I wash!).”

He disappears.

He then reappears.

“Do you know which bathroom the wand is in?”

“There’s only two bathrooms that it could be in. You’ll have to look (which, my god, one bathroom you had to pass to stand in ZGirl’s doorway to ask me that. If it’s not in that bathroom, well then, it must be in the other bathroom, which is the one that desperately needs the cleaning!).”

I swear. Is testosterone an antibody for logical thinking?

DOUBLE DOSE OF THE MEME

iloveyourblog2

This meme was brought to you via Rebel at Diary of an Infertile Mad Woman. She actually tagged ZGirl so I created two sets of responses.

First, here’s the meme as it applies to me:

  1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
  2. Where is your significant other? Booth
  3. Your hair color? Orange
  4. Your mother? Disenchanted
  5. Your father? Stubborn
  6. Your favorite thing? Sleep
  7. Your dream last night? Forgettable
  8. Your goal? #6
  9. The room you’re in? Small
  10. Your hobby? Blog
  11. Your fear? Kidnappers
  12. Where do you want to be in six years? Alive
  13. Where were you last night? #6
  14. What you’re not? Enigmatic
  15. One of your wish-list items? #6
  16. Where you grew up? Farm
  17. The last thing you did? Type
  18. What are you wearing? Clothes
  19. Your TV? Flat
  20. Your pet? Dead
  21. Your computer? Dying
  22. Your mood? Moody
  23. Missing someone? Children
  24. Your car? Toyota
  25. Something you’re not wearing? Underwires
  26. Favorite store? Etsy
  27. Your summer? Gone
  28. Love someone? Unconditionally
  29. Your favorite color? Red
  30. When is the last time you laughed? 7:55am
  31. Last time you cried? 9:45pm

And now as it applies to ZGirl:

  1. Where is your cell phone? None
  2. Where is your significant other? School
  3. Your hair color? Blonde
  4. Your mother? Warm
  5. Your father? Adored
  6. Your favorite thing? Boobs
  7. Your dream last night? Boobs
  8. Your goal? Boobs
  9. The room you’re in? Yellow
  10. Your hobby? Smiling
  11. Your fear? Men
  12. Where do you want to be in six years? Kindergarten
  13. Where were you last night? Crib
  14. What you’re not? Rolling
  15. One of your wish-list items? Teeth
  16. Where you grew up? Uterus
  17. The last thing you did? Poop
  18. What are you wearing? Diaper
  19. Your TV? Ignored
  20. Your pet? Computerized
  21. Your computer? Future
  22. Your mood? Happy
  23. Missing someone? Mommy
  24. Your car? Electric
  25. Something you’re not wearing? Panties
  26. Favorite store? Mendards
  27. Your summer? Birthday
  28. Love someone? Unconditionally
  29. Your favorite color? Black
  30. When is the last time you laughed? 11:41am
  31. Last time you cried? 9:45pm

The rules to this meme appear to be simple: tag a blogger that you love via the above button. Said blogger then must answer these questions with ONE word each only. I can’t explain why 31 questions and not just 30, nor the number tagged, which is seven, and it’ll be the last seven commenters.

I’m just following the rules, people.

Beagle at Cat’s in the Cradle (pwp)

MsPrufrock at Barren Albion

Eva at Antropologa

Artblog at Healing Arts

Portlairge at Fertility Schmertility

Cat at Cat is Here

Catherine at Everything’s Under Control

See? If you want to be tagged, it pays to comment. However, if you don’t like meme? Well, then, you’re already screwed.