REACHING OUT

waterToday started off not good, not bad, just neutral. While getting ready I didn’t hear any yelling from Mr. DD, no crying from XBoy. By that alone, the scales should have been tipped to “good”.

So when Mr. DD said he didn’t complete XBoy’s reading slip to indicate a completion of his homework, and I asked why, he snap at me, “Because I didn’t!”

Even better, when I responded, “Why are you mad at me?” he replied, “Why not?” Since then, he hasn’t answered the phone or returned my messages.

If ZGirl hadn’t already been in the carseat, I would have clubbed him to death with it. I keep a very short shitlist and why he wants to be at the top of it right now is beyond me. He’s been an absentee parent for months now only making his presence known when he’s pissed off. XBoy is emotionally stunted and I resentfully and silently blame his Dad.

You know what? I could go on and on, but the reason I started this post was to explain why the pwp posts. After the shenanigans I faced when my pregnancy with Wolf was leaked at my place of employment, I was determined to keep any future pregnancy, and the means it was achieved, under my hat for as long as I could. It was my  business.

Protecting that information wasn’t because I was ashamed or embarrassed by our treatments or my pregnancy nor did I feel any of that information could come back to haunt me later. But now? I am compelled to protect my family from judgement.

Blogging has a major advantage and that is you can reach so many people in similar situations who simply “get it”. It didn’t bother me to share some of my most personal experiences, whether it was about my vaginal ultrasounds, my breast enlargement, or even just a little of my sex life. It was through these topics that I found women – and some men – who have gone, or are going through, similar situations and can share their stories, advice or just simply an internet ((((hug))).

I am now very torn between protecting our family’s privacy while we struggle through a painful situation to being very open because letting my guard down means possibly tapping into a whole new niche of bloggers who “get it”. I’m also worried that after knowing me for so long, that there’s a strange sense of loyalty that keeps you from telling me how I’m fucking things up.

That’s what I thought about last night. What if in my bias I am subconsciously leaving out information that you would immediately call bullshit on? Maybe that’s why I shared the above exchange between Mr. DD and myself. On the surface, in my public posts, everything looks rosy around here, but I can feel something dark and cold running deep below and I am very, very scared that unless we can safely surface, we will be swallowed bit by bit, until there’s nothing of US left.

I have to find the median between protecting my family from those who may not intentionally harm us but cannot mind their Ps&Qs to that of reaching out and confidently exposing myself to as much information and resources that’s best for all of us in the long run. Blogging kept me sane when we were trying to add to our family. I am now hoping, and maybe unreasonably so, it can help keep our family whole.