waterToday started off not good, not bad, just neutral. While getting ready I didn’t hear any yelling from Mr. DD, no crying from XBoy. By that alone, the scales should have been tipped to “good”.

So when Mr. DD said he didn’t complete XBoy’s reading slip to indicate a completion of his homework, and I asked why, he snap at me, “Because I didn’t!”

Even better, when I responded, “Why are you mad at me?” he replied, “Why not?” Since then, he hasn’t answered the phone or returned my messages.

If ZGirl hadn’t already been in the carseat, I would have clubbed him to death with it. I keep a very short shitlist and why he wants to be at the top of it right now is beyond me. He’s been an absentee parent for months now only making his presence known when he’s pissed off. XBoy is emotionally stunted and I resentfully and silently blame his Dad.

You know what? I could go on and on, but the reason I started this post was to explain why the pwp posts. After the shenanigans I faced when my pregnancy with Wolf was leaked at my place of employment, I was determined to keep any future pregnancy, and the means it was achieved, under my hat for as long as I could. It was my  business.

Protecting that information wasn’t because I was ashamed or embarrassed by our treatments or my pregnancy nor did I feel any of that information could come back to haunt me later. But now? I am compelled to protect my family from judgement.

Blogging has a major advantage and that is you can reach so many people in similar situations who simply “get it”. It didn’t bother me to share some of my most personal experiences, whether it was about my vaginal ultrasounds, my breast enlargement, or even just a little of my sex life. It was through these topics that I found women – and some men – who have gone, or are going through, similar situations and can share their stories, advice or just simply an internet ((((hug))).

I am now very torn between protecting our family’s privacy while we struggle through a painful situation to being very open because letting my guard down means possibly tapping into a whole new niche of bloggers who “get it”. I’m also worried that after knowing me for so long, that there’s a strange sense of loyalty that keeps you from telling me how I’m fucking things up.

That’s what I thought about last night. What if in my bias I am subconsciously leaving out information that you would immediately call bullshit on? Maybe that’s why I shared the above exchange between Mr. DD and myself. On the surface, in my public posts, everything looks rosy around here, but I can feel something dark and cold running deep below and I am very, very scared that unless we can safely surface, we will be swallowed bit by bit, until there’s nothing of US left.

I have to find the median between protecting my family from those who may not intentionally harm us but cannot mind their Ps&Qs to that of reaching out and confidently exposing myself to as much information and resources that’s best for all of us in the long run. Blogging kept me sane when we were trying to add to our family. I am now hoping, and maybe unreasonably so, it can help keep our family whole.

26 thoughts on “REACHING OUT”

  1. Internet ((hugs)) from me. I’ve been there with Jake for awhile. It feels like he’s ALWAYS gone and that when he is home he would rather sit on the couch than play with Zack.

    I’m with you on the anger, the resentment, all of it. Now… fix it would ya so you can tell me what I should do? 🙂

  2. I don’t have much to offer beyond what all the other wise ladies have said…except that whatever you decide is right for you, is right for you.

    I have to say that it bugs me a little that it seems like people (not you of course, I mean the blogworld in general) only blog about their relationships if everything is hearts and flowers and “OMG I have the best DH EVAR!!!” Like, we feel comfortable sharing the most intimate details of our reproductive fuck-ups but not our marriage fuck-ups. And someone struggling in her marriage/partnership (and believe me I have been there) needs to feel not alone every bit as much as someone struggling with IF.

    Again, I say that not to imply that YOU should spill all your details, because only you know if that would be the right thing for you. But just to say that you are definitely not alone.

  3. I’ve got a rope right here. No, not to hang Mr DD with, (but I *would* help you hide the body if need be) but to help you hang on.

    I’m sure XBoy is reacting to Dad’s “disapproval”. Who wouldn’t? Just the other day, Maggie was telling us that she is thankful for her family. Joe tells her, “OH, me too Maggie! Mommy, don’t I have the best kids in the whole wide world?”

    yeah, dude. You WIFE doesn’t suck too much either, huh?

    I hear ya on the whole “rosy” thing. Our families think we have such a great marriage…..there are days where I can’t even stand to look at him. Marriage is hard.

  4. I’m not going to venture an assumption on the behaviors of XBoy because I don’t have visual access…. wouldn’t it be great if classrooms had webcams?

    But I know from Dani, age 7, that when she starts exhibiting unsavory behavior it can almost always be attributed to something that she has seen someone else do. Shamefully, sometimes that behavior can come from me and E. XBoy may be mimicking outbursts that he hears or sees from you and/or Mr. DD. One thing I’ve learned, no matter how hard you try to hide things from your kids, they will always figure it out. And if you and Mr. DD can’t discuss what is going on between you two amicably, then XBoy is not going to learn how to do it either which is going to result in the behavior that he exhibits.

    Now, as for Mr. DD’s actions, sometimes the way you describe him, he sounds like he has a stick up his ass. It must be very difficult for you to understand why he is so detached when you have finally achieved what you’ve wanted for so long. He may not know how to act now…. or maybe he is just in a funk. Men are fickle.

    Well, I have lots more to say on the subject, but I won’t take up all of your room. Please take what I said as observation and not telling you what is wrong. I hate assvice as much as the next chick and I try real hard to not give it.

  5. I have realised lately that if you lifted the roof’s off of everyone’s homes – then what lurks beneath in each home is not dissimilar to yours.

    If you need to reach out, then you should do so.

    Even if you only spill a fraction on this blog, only to feel better in yourself and get it off your chest, then do so.

    Last night I threw my slippers at my other half. Ashamed to say really, especially owning up to the fact that I have slippers and wanting to maim him at the same time.


  6. I would tell you if you were fucking up, maybe not in comments, but by email for sure.

    And so far, I think that you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got on your plate. A new baby is a big issue after going through so much IF and loss.

    Eventually he will talk to you again, and maybe you two need to sit down and have it out, and if he can’t do that with the baby around, then maybe you need to go away for the weekend? Just the two of you?

    You are doing the right things I think, consulting with the right people, and doing what they say.

    And FWIW, I don’t think that z-boy is emotionally stunted, I think he has a clueless teacher, and you should transfer him ASAP, and I think he has another issue we’ve already emailed about.

    Now you just need to track down the hubby and let us know what he says.

  7. Sweetness, I think we both know that I am not afraid to tell you what’s what if need be, and I KNOW you think the same in regard to me. I also think that many of your readers would feel the same way, if only because we can hide behind our computers as soon as we hit “submit comment”.

    I think having kids is a tremendous strain on any relationship, and as I told you the other day, I think it’s weird when people say they don’t ever think what would have happened “if”. I also agree with the others in that XBoy is probably picking up on tension, because they are so much more intuitive than we give them credit for.

    I’ll try to be around more for chatting this week, but what can I say…they sometimes expect me to work at work!

  8. Dear DD, I’ve been thinking a lot about your situation and wishing I could find the string that might magically unravel the puzzling and vexing problems you are facing now. But all I have is the classic family dynamic theories others have already alluded to. A new family member always changes the dynamic, and the slightest instability sends everyone spinning. XBoy might be feeling displaced, and/or he might be feeling that his father or you are angry at him constantly. (Kids often interpret anger as always directed at them, even if it’s just bad-mood anger or anger between two other people.) Mr. DD might be feeling that all the communication you have right now involves expectations of what he should be doing and blame for stuff he’s not doing. And if that is so, the current situation is simply reinforcing those feelings. It sounds to me as if emotions (and exhaustion, I’m sure) are running so high that it might do all of you good to sit down with a family counselor, who can tease out some of these issues without causing a whole new onslaught of hurt feelings and despair. Could XBoy’s counselor, whom you seem to like and trust, maybe recommend someone?

    And gratuitous hugs, I have found, do help. Sending you one right now.

  9. There is a whole lot in your post that sounds familiar to me: sniping parents, new baby, distressed elder sibling , unhappiness all round feeding off each other’s miserableness – just in different combinations. Loyal here but happy to call you too – haven’t had to yet. Thinking of you all.

  10. I just want to ditto what everyone has said about XBoy picking on on tensions between you and Mr. DD.

    I don’t know about Mr. DD, but when my husband responds to me like that it usually means he’s not getting some emotional needs met. It could be something he needs from me or just the world in general, but the thing is he himself doesn’t know what it is so it’s hard to give it to him even if it is something he needs from me. I’m not saying that if Mr. DD needs something from you, you need to spend time and energy trying to give it to him. You are stretched thin as it is. But, just acknowledging those needs is sometimes enough.

    I don’t know if any of that makes any sense. If it doesn’t, just know that you and Mr. DD aren’t the only ones who go through things like this.

    As for being a loyal reader. Yes, I loyally read your posts, but I consider you too much of a friend not to tell you when I think you’re fucked up (although I admit I may not say it exactly in those words).

  11. I wish I had assvice or something to help… just catching up on your last few posts. I’m in agreement that probably there’s a lot of stress all around which XBoy is picking up.

    I get your need to find the balance between protecting your family and finding support… and we’re here for you, PWP post or not.

    Hang in there.


  12. I’m sorry you are going through such a trial right now DD. You have had a lot of stress for many years with infertility and now are dealing with family issues. That does put a ton of strain on your marriage. It’s a tough spot to be in. Just remember that no marriage is perfect, no family is perfect and we all have seasons of difficulty. Hang in there, if only by your fingernails, and things will get better.

  13. I think blogging after the “outing” you got at work a while back is very brave in any case. I am a weanie, as you know, in that arena. I would not be able to handle it if “IRL” caught up with my safe little corner “out here” . . .

    I’m just glad we all have each other to stay afloat in the good times and even more so in the bad.

  14. I am sure that you are not a perfect mom or wife (and if you are then I hate you and no longer want to read your blog)! But even in your imperfection that doesn’t excuse the behavior of Mr DD. I’m betting he may be feeling pretty low right now as it sinks in how his attitude has brought on some of this sh*t your family is having to deal with.

    I’m so glad you choose to share with us internet friends. I hope just knowing we care helps a little.

  15. I know it is an odd dilemma to put so much of your personal goings on out there. I take great comfort in my internet friends and am grateful for the outlet. Wishing you the best with dealing with all this. You are the strength of your family. If the Internet helps you keep it together, than so be it.

  16. No loyalty here…if I thought you were fucking anything up, I’d let you know. Fact is, I often just don’t have anything of value to offer in the blogosphere. I don’t have complete freedom on my own blog because my family reads. But I’ve chosen for it to be that way because, in a sense, it keeps me in check…prevents me from saying too much…or saying unfair things about those I love.

    You just have to figure out what works for you. Whatever you decide, I hope you still write something. I need something to read when I’m supposed to be working. :o)

  17. If nothing else, we are here to listen. Blogging allows you to share your frustration with us and, hopefully, make the burden a little less in the sharing. I’m glad to be able to take some of that frustration from you each time you are able to post.

  18. As others have said, I think the boy is picking up on some of the tension between the two of you. I also think that maybe Mr. DD is stressed about the school situation and doesn’t know how to handle it, considering the dysfunctional family background he has. If you can’t deal with it with anger then maybe he is just bottling it up? See, aren’t you glad you asked? 😉

    I still think alot of the school issues are coming from the teacher. I had similar issues with Alex when he was in 4th grade and it was non-stop detentions and meetings with the principal and on and on. I was never so glad for school to be out then I was that year. Then 5th and 6th grade he had teachers who gave a crap and not a bit of problems.

    He is also probably unsure of where he stands now that the girl is in the picture. He is still a little boy and with the baby getting the majority of the attention simply because she can’t do anything for herself yet, he may be wondering if he was replaced in your love for him. I know he wasn’t but even with Alex being 14 when MJ arrived he still had to be reassured that we loved him. Maybe a day with just the two of you out and about would help? It worked for us but then I had a much older boy to work with then you do.

    Hope that wasn’t too much assvice for you. 😉 You know me, I am FULL of it. You know you can call anytime you need to talk.

  19. I have so many thoughts about this, and they all resound with my family as well. But I will say that J and I have gone into counseling and we’re both more optimistic (note that I didn’t say happier yet) than we have been in a while.

    That said, XBoy is sensitive and while I’m sure he’s picking up on the tension between you and Mr. DD, I’m not sure that’s all it is. (I’m basing this on my wealth of personal experience with P.) But I don’t know what else to say, either.

    Will try to call you next week?

  20. Anyone who pretends that things are always rosy and happy and wonderful all the time in any family are so full of shit that their eyes are turning brown. I find that (most of the time) whenever I open up about something particularly painful that I wonder if I should’ve kept to myself, I find at least a couple of kindred spirits.

    Which eases my mind. It’s nice to feel as though you’re not alone in this crazy world.

    It’s a tough ass situation, DD, and I think The Internet will help you through it.

    Let me know if you need a shoulder or two.

  21. I agree with ohn’s statement. That XBoy may be picking up on Mr DD’s anger.

    And, I’m just going to say it because I see so much of myself in your words sometimes, your anger with Mr. DD as well. You are frustrated and angry with him for various issues (all which I side with you on, really I do). So, even though you may not openly fight in front of XBoy he may sense the tension between you and Mr. DD

    I tend to have a really short temper with P. Because, well, he does things that just piss me right the hell off. I have noticed that when I’m still angry with him and I’m seething from the inside? I don’t interact with K like I do when I’m not. I don’t ignore her or anything, I’m just as engaged in our activites.

    Just my 2 cents.

  22. DD~You are going to have posts that people will respond to with the routine “hope you are ok” much like an aquaintance in the grocery store would say. BUT, for the most part I think the people that are reading here really DO care about what happens to you and your family and I for one would be happy to tell you if I thought you were fucking up 🙂

    You seem to be straight forward about things here and I would imagine that we get a pretty good idea of the whole picture.

    From what I have pieced together here, and I could be waaay off, it seems like Xboy could be acting out in reaction to Mr DD’s anger~could this be possible? Kids pick up on the tinest alterations in the family mood/dynamics and add a new baby to the mix with the tension…..I am just thinking out loud.

    Anyway you slice it, family is hard sometimes. I am glad you have this space to vent and maybe get some positive or helpful feedback. We all need someone to lean on now and then.

  23. Seems we are in the same place for different reasons. Since Blogger doesn’t offer a PWP mode, I am stuck sucking up the posts I want to write because my blog is slowly but surely starting to find all kinds of people beyond my safe internet world. And, who better to tell you you’re full of shit than a blogging friend? I expect honesty in Blogland, because all I get is bullshit from real life.

    But I do understand that the very thing we want (feedback from those who BTDT or just offer good advice) is hard to get when you feel censored. I don’t know the answer.

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