Have you seen Paltrow’s new website? A word to the wise: don’t bother clicking on any of the icons. Explanation at the end.

GOOP. You know? Like the hand cleaner your art teacher kept in the classroom? Since Gwynie snagged, it makes me wonder if she actually made a ridiculous offer for the domain name and then the original goopers went and got instead.

Last night I started to think about Gwyneth Paltrow and her movie stardom. Aaaaand then I was like what movie stardom? The only movie I could remember her in was The Royal Tenenbaums, which as a film, I really enjoyed. From there? Sure she recently was in Iron Man as the very dry, very uninspiring, almost-love-interest of Tony Stark. But didn’t she win an Oscar for something? Remember? It was the year she wore this pink dress that was three sizes too big for her? 1999, to be exact – almost 10 years ago!

toobigIf my mother had been on the red carpet, I’m sure she would have tootled right up to her and pinched up those spaghetti straps and secured them with a couple of the safety pins that she would have had conveniently pinned to the front of her shirt. What? Your Mom didn’t do that? Hell, my mom even keeps a kleenex tucked into the cuff of her shirt sleeve.

Maybe her fame is perpetuated solely on the fact she gave both of her children rather unusual names (Apple and Moses), which seems to be the the last pathetic attempt made by many once-popular-but-now-meh stars out there right now.

So what is this wonderful website about? Well…if you haven’t read any of the buzz and you only clicked on the site, you wouldn’t have a clue. For some reason, it’s tagged “Nourish the Inner Aspect”, which is so trite and obtuse it could mean she is either going to provide recipes or yoga instructions. Ha! The joke is on me since if you click on the newsletter sign-up icon, she’ll send you her recipes! or her personal travel notes! Oh, what shall I do if I don’t know what Ms. Paltrow is doing? (By the way, if you click on the “get the scoop”? It’s the same damn thing, a link to her newsletter sign up.) (and who wants to get a scoop of goop? yuck)

As for the quaint icons that might make you think that she can tell you what fabulous things to eat! or travel destinations that appear to be family friendly! or where to buy that pink frock, which actually may come in your size! They are all linked to one thing: a three paragraph blurb that ends with, “Don’t be lazy. Workout and stick with it. GOOP. Make it great.”

Somehow, she turned the name of a hand cleaner into an action statement which absolutely makes no sense. What does it mean?!

If I had to guess? Gwyneth’s Own Ostensive Perspective. Because somehow she makes us think that we care how UNfabulous her life really is.