I think it bears repeating, that while I will not be convinced that the donor is someone I will ever refer to as my daughter’s biological mom/mother, that does not mean that I am going to keep the fact that there IS a donor a secret.
Some of you may interpret my strong feelings about what is “mother” or what may have been “father” (if any of our donor sperm cycles had worked) as an indication that I am in denial about the donor, and therefore may never acknowledge what she did for us.
Nothing could be further than the truth.
Every moment I look into my daughter’s crystal blue eyes, my heart swells with gratitude. Those eyes are the donor’s eyes. It’s almost as if someone wanted to make sure I never forget what a stranger did for us so they gave ZGirl her distinctly colored baby blues that obviously didn’t come from me, some one who has eyes the color of wet sand or from her father, whose green eyes are remarkable on their own. Everytime someone makes a comment about her beautiful eyes, I smile with pride. Maternal pride.
“Weren’t we lucky to have a donor with such lovely coloring?” I wish it was something I could say, but that will be my daughter’s response when she is ready.
Another thing. I’ve been asked this question ever since we first discussed donors and our decision to go anonymous, which was about two years ago: “What if something medically related happens with the child and you need to contact the donor or even possibly the donor’s children to seek help?”
Let’s say for a bone marrow transplant.
Well, we would end up well and truly screwed if the donor’s family was the only key to my daughter’s well-being. You see, no one ever asked us that question when XBoy was an only child for 6 years. Oh, well, unless you count my SIL’s MIL who said to us when XBoy was six months old, “Are you going to have any more children? You know, in case something happens to him?”
While I appreciate the concern for my daughter, it makes me wonder why is it there for a donor-conceived child but not for a non-donor conceived child.
Finally, my MOTHER FATHER post must have pricked a nerve since it become an email topic that eventually made its way to Lindsay, who is a donor conceived child and has her own blog, Confessions of a Cryo Kid. Lindsay also left a comment and after her second sentence I felt my hackles rise and was preparing a reply. But then I realized I didn’t have to. She told me what no one else has been able to because no one else who has weighed in on donor children has been a donor child themselves. So to the person who emailed my post? Thank you. Really.
With that, I plan on putting this topic on the back burner once again and bringing back to boil topics like the death of breasteeding, where to find the cheapest diapers on earth, and some great new cosmetic finds.