#6 – Suspending Reality

My son brought home a book from the school library. I’ll admit I don’t recall the title, but the gist of was about a girl on a school trip to the farm and the relaying of what she thought of it to her mother, which started with how dull it was.

Her mother then listens incredulously as her daughter tells her how there were pigs that got on the bus because they were looking for corn; and how the kids were throwing eggs at each other, but then ran out of eggs so they started throwing corn (hence the pigs on the bus). There was the boa constrictor that one of the classmates brought along on the trip, and how it snuck away to scare Mrs. Farmer and got left behind. However, the boa’s owner wasn’t the least upset since a pig remained on the bus and now that was his pet.

…and here were the thoughts going through my mind:

  • Have you ever been hit with an egg? I’ve seen what it does to car paint (it shatters it), and one of the characters takes a freshly laid egg to the face.
  • Same with corn. Corn on the cob. DRIED field corn. That’ll leave a mark. Or take your eye out. Or both!
  • A boa constrictor. Really?! Yep, and one so big in the pictures that it took four kids to carry it off the bus. Where were the parents the morning that kid got ready for school? How did he sneak that thing in his backpack? And the teacher? She didn’t notice or care that it was on the bus?? Another picture of the boa shows that he clearly had eaten something. It might have been one of the pigs that got on the bus (sidenote: who’s going to clean up that mess? Sidenote #2: there was a bus driver, why didn’t he prevent that?!).
  • The boa was last seen crawling into the clothes hanging from the clothesline which is where Mrs. Farmer made the surprising discovery and started her screaming. She didn’t scream when the kids were throwing her chickens’ eggs; she didn’t scream at the kids when they started hurtling corn; she didn’t make a whimper when the pigs crowded onto the bus. Oh, no. She finds a snake in her laundry and she loses her ever-lovin’ mind.
  • Boa Boy traded his snake for a pig and is bringing it home on the bus. I see bacon and sausages in his immediate future, as well as some time spent in his room, grounded until he turns 18.
  • And finally. . . can you say lawsuit, lawsuit, lawsuit!

I notice idiosyncratic details that make me lose focus of the bigger picture, which is that of pure entertainment. Another example: I was watching Nip/Tuck and one of the patients who was recovering from surgery used her bedpan (with urine in it) to clobber one of the doctors. Bed pan? Who the hell uses bedpans anymore? Wouldn’t she have had a catheter?

Am I crazy for noticing that shit?

I have a friend who hints for me to hit the road and see Disney. I think her advice is sound, but of course with things the way they are, I may find myself deeper embroiled in bitter stew before I can go on a quest to find my inner little girl. But methinks I better find her soon before I hear the words “curmudgeon” to describe me (to my face), and before I chase the kids off my lawn with a broom, or worse yet – before I reveal to my son that Santa and the Tooth Fairy aren’t real. For anyone who has used Santa as an threat incentive to improve behavior; or used the amount of cash the Fairy will leave behind once some pesky baby teeth are pulled as bribery motivation, you will know that such an announcement would be parental suicide.

When did I get so jaded? Is this normal aging or is being a fun hater collateral damage for someone like me who is trying to put a rough four years behind her while keeping a fingernail grip on sanity?