#8 – Do Not Be Silent

I’ve officially made it through one week of NaBloWriMo.

It’s not so bad if you’ve got one in the can and one scheduled to go out next day.

Right now this post is being written Saturday night since Sunday I will be driving two hours with my mother and SIL to go to a craft show in the big city. I then will have to drive two hours back, and I have to do it before it gets too dark. My night vision is not good.

I have a confession: it’s the first craft show I’ve been able to go to in four years. In 2004 I did go. A week after I lost my second pregnancy in its early second trimester and neither my sisters or mother would ask me how I was feeling. I needed to talk about it. I found out later that my mom had told my sisters not to bring it up.

I’m here to tell you that in many, MANY cases, your friend, your sister, your daughter…? The silence is painful. If you’re not sure, just ask, “Do you want to talk?” They’ll let you know either way.

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5 thoughts on “#8 – Do Not Be Silent”

  1. That is a great tip. I never know what to say, and “I’m Sorry” always seems like it’s never enough. Asking them if they want to talk though, that will help.

    Thank you for being strong enough to share.

  2. When my cousin miscarried at 14 weeks, I called and left her a voicemail to tell her how very sorry I was. I saw her a few weeks later and said “I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am about the baby.” She needed it. She said I was the only one who wasn’t completely ignoring the whole thing and pretending it hadn’t happened, and she really appreciated it.

    I’ve only recently told some non-infertile IRL friends about my miscarriage last year, and haven’t told any of my family. The major reasons? The first is that none of my family can keep things quiet, which means telling one is telling all of them. The second, and far bigger, was that when a distant relative had a stillbirth and they had a funeral. My mom’s choice comment: “I watched them all carrying on so much that it was ridiculous.” Nice, right? You can probably see why I don’t think that telling them would have done any good.

    Telling the friends, though? Definitely the right choice.

  3. I think it’s important (if you feel so inclined) for those of us who have had miscarriages to speak up. Last year I had my second miscarriage, I am living in a new city and had new friends and wondered – should I tell them? I told several of them and I am so glad I did. Nothing but good things came out of it, one friend told me that she’d had a miscarriage and was sorry. My super fertile friend was so sympathetic it was really touching, when she got pregnant again shortly after my miscarriage, she called me to tell me and said she didn’t want me to find out when she announced it to the group. She also said she knew it was probably hard for me and she felt badly that what came so easily to her did not to me. Another friend had a miscarriage several months later and I was the only person she knew who’d had a miscarriage and she felt good that she could reach out to someone who really understood.

    It might be uncomfortable but miscarriage really isn’t that hard to talk about. Just say you are sorry. Ask if she wants to talk about it. Ask if there’s anything you can do. If you’ve had a miscarriage too, tell her, sometimes it’s nice to know you’re not alone.

You can say it here.

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