While many of you ho-bags have not only started, but perhaps even finished, your Christmas shopping, I am realizing that this year I will surely end up in full-fledged panic before the month of November is out.
Shopping has been complicated by 1) hey! I don’t have a job!! Whoot!; and 2) I’ve got one kid who thinks that by next year, he should get a car TO DRIVE and another kid who I really should try to find something more meaningful then a pair of shoes and the box they came in.
I could pat myself on the back because I normally wait until December 23rd to even start looking, so I’m not quite sure why even though I’m thinking of it early enough, I can’t seem to find anything, much less get any idea what I should even look for!
So I put on my thinking cap and realized that since my son could now read and write, I’ll just go get the Christmas catalog from Penney’s. You know the one: it’s the size of Des Moines phone book. Or Kansas City. Or somewhere else comparable to having a phone book about three inches thick.
My sisters and I would go through the second half of that book, the half that had all the toys in it, and dog-ear the pages with the items we wanted. Then we would sit down and make our lists to Santa, copying the name of the toy, the item number and even the page number, just to make sure Santa wouldn’t have a hard time finding what we wanted and give us socks, or training bras, or mittens with a matching hat instead.
I was actually really pumped to show Doodicus the book. I imagined him staring at the catalog in open-mouthed awe as I handed it over to him with a warning, “Be careful. It’s really heavy!”
Imagine my disappointment then when I got to the customer service counter at Penney’s and there were no gargantuan catalogs piled up on top of each other in the middle of the floor like they normally did. I asked the kid at the counter who had no idea what I was talking about. Instead he walked over to the display and pulled out this wimpy 20 page piece of shit catalog and told me that was it.
I was bummed. Doodicus was bummed (since I had told him all about this HUGE toy catalog).
What happened, JCPenney??
Oh. I see. The “kids” weren’t digging the catalog? Screw them. There not the ones depending on it to help them find toys for their nieces or nephews or grandchildren or children. I want the catalog that I can use to double as a booster seat for Aitch!! I want to be able to use the pages of your catalog as packing material!! I want to feel the weight of the joyous potential on my lap days – nay! weeks! – before Christmas!!
*smooths down hair*
And now? This “newsletter” didn’t inspire my son in the least. It was like any other piece of mail flotsam that comes and quickly goes in our house. I’m afraid that I’ll end up watching Nick one of these weekends and just taking notes everytime he says, “Oooooh! Can I have one of THOSE?!?” during the commercial breaks of a Sponge Bob marathon.