#23 – An enormous honor and responsibility

A very good friend of mine and her husband have gone through four years of trying to have another baby with no success. They also tried four IUIs with their obstetrician, again with no success. Unexplained secondary infertility, a one-size-fits many diagnosis that while ties up their medical records with a neat looking bow, it leaves a couple falling apart emotionally with more questions than answers.

This friend and her husband told Sparring Partner and I that they put us down as a reference on their adoption application.

I nearly burst into tears over the incredible honor. That I might have a hand in helping my friends bring a baby into their wonderful lives leaves me speechless.

But after sleeping on it, I am yet again on the verge of tears. That I might have a hand in preventing my dear friends from bringing a baby into their lives makes me wonder if I shouldn’t decline. Maybe being speechless would be better than saying something that would be misconstrued. I unfortunately have a talent for that.

12 thoughts on “#23 – An enormous honor and responsibility”

  1. You don’t know how much it will help.

    We were put in the predicament of either lying to our agency(we were the “wrong” religion) or have friends and family vouch for us…thankfully, they came through like gangbusters and wrote letters that were so nice, that even I wanted to meet us.

    If you speak from your heart it will be fine. You don’t have to make them sound like saints…just normal people that have family support, and would make loving parents (if in fact they would).

  2. You’ll be fine. I know the feeling of things coming out of your mouth that you don’t really intend. I’m sure social workers account for nervousness and personality, but just make an effort to think before you speak. They tell us at work to wait 5 seconds before we ever respond to a question. It’s probably as applicable in real life as it is in court. And, if it’s just a letter – you get to edit yourself, as well as let others edit you.

    I hope your friends’ path to a baby smooths out and they can realize their dream soon.

  3. I have a friend who is a social worker for an adoption agency. Email me if you would like me to talk to her and ask some questions as to what to include in the letter. I would be more than happy to do that. We just recently became friends and have LOTS in common (IF) . I’m sure she would be more than happy to help too!

  4. I think you should do it. Let them read your letter if you are worried about it. They want you to do it – I think that is because they know you are both honest and a true friend. You wont let them down.

  5. You should definitely do it. Chances are good you will be writing a letter, in which case you can write and rewrite and rewrite again–you can even have your friends look it over if you want. If you get a call, the social worker will definitely have a list of questions and your friends will be so glad to have such wonderful references to answer them. Please, do this for them. I can’t tell you how meaningful it was to me to get those reference letters and how much I appreciated them.

  6. Hi there, I found your blog through my tag surfer, but it seems you have a few blog buddies that I read as well. OHN for example. When I asked a couple of my friends to write me a reference for our adoption, it was really difficult to do because it meant putting my dream of having my own behind me and moving forward into the unknown. It would help if you asked them what areas should you cover. Talk about their character, their marriage, the kind of parents you’d think they’d be. We didn’t have much practical experience with children, because the pain of infertility drove us away from child centred gatherings. You won’t prevent them getting a child, just speak from your heart.


    1. Thank you Deathstar, for your valuable insight to a very personal experience. I think I was feeling so overwhelmed by my friend’s announcement and combined with how life-altering the experience will be for her, that I lost sight of what’s important and what you reminded me of, and that is to just speak from my heart. Thank you again.

  7. Unless you write that they are running a meth lab in their basement and routinely scatter broken glass on their floors and would allow the child to eat lead paint chips, you won’t have a hand in them not getting a baby. Just say nice (and true) things and your letter will do nothing but help.

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