Delurk if Delusional

(This should be a good one to delurk on, especially since it will be the last post during National Delurking Week.)

Last night I was thinking about the date of my last period. I’ve never been good about tracking it, and the only time I ever did was when we were going through treatments. In fact, somewhere in the dregs of the computer system where I use to work is an excel spreadsheet that had every CD1 marked for four years. It kind of pisses me off that I never was able to save it since I was told to vacate immediately the day I was let go. It not only had the cycle days marked but every appointment, every beta level, every check amount written. It was a tidy summarization of my reproductive failures and successes clear of emotion and tripe, unlike my blogs.

I know that I should expect my period before the weekend is over, but stupid me, even with as cynical as I have let myself become, I still wonder “Could I be…?” and let myself contemplate the idea of buying a couple of HPTs.

And then I run head-long into the Wall of Reality.

It took four years for a specialist to get and keep me pregnant. That was over two years ago. I’m knee deep into my 40’s. And yet the skeptic in me still holds onto the idea of maybe….just maybe…. Reminds me of the month I actually thought about using a pregnancy test even though Sparring Partner and I had been sex-free for over seven weeks (infertility treatments are not kind to the libido). I almost convinced myself that my period might have been break-through bleeding (that would have been some kind of crazy “break-through bleeding”) and I could have been two months pregnant!

Can you say, Dee-loosh-i-null??

I knew you could.

This morning I was feeling a bit crampy. I’m not going to be one of those Infertile Urban Legends. Sparring Partner would be pissed. I would be even more paranoid about miscarrying a baby than I was when I was pregnant with Aitch who started with a donor’s egg, and if you recall I was crazy with paranoia then, what with the once a week ultrasounds and Doppler-dancing and leaving work with no notice to go home and lie on my bed and sob uncontrollably waiting for the inevitable miscarriage that never came.

Talk about a Whack-Job. Why didn’t anyone tell me?

I know that most of you are pretty much in the same place I am, which is D.O.N.E., but do you sometimes still hope?

26 thoughts on “Delurk if Delusional”

  1. I am constantly terrified I could be pregnant again, because I know that if I take DHEA and am on HRT, I’ll ovulate, no question. And after almost dying in labour?

    No, I’d have to get an immediate abortion. And be on heparin shots again for weeks after so I don’t throw a clot and have a stroke.

    If my crash c-section wasn’t enough to scare the crap out of me, the placental pathology report was. Just thinking about it makes me sick.

    I don’t want another baby enough to die. I’m done. I’m actually afraid to have sex.

  2. wow, you’re crazy totally crazy i know because I am too. Even knowing I have NO tubes and Hairy had a vas (this bit I forget all the time) , the insanity causes me to stop and wonder if only briefly before I remember, d’oh no tubes and a vas. Now I must away my nightly pills are being brought around before the nice nurse finishes her shift and I’m strapped into my delux extra long sleeve night suit.

  3. UMMMM, YES!! I wonder all of the time!! I feel my boobs to see if they are tender and wonder what each and every twinge is down there. We are done – talked to dh about getting snipped (he doesn’t want to). We don’t have insurance coverage any more. But still, I cannot get rid of the big plastic tub in the attic of (you guessed it) maternity clothes.

  4. Ok, after Chloe was born? I was DONE. D.O.N.E. Not so much from my own reproductivity, but from my stepchildren. I just could not fathom having another baby to care for when…well…some of the time things with them are just too hard.

    And then I’m here with Chloe every day, and I think of how wonderful it would be if I could have just one more. Just one. I would love to be pregnant (even as awful as this last one was), just one more time.

    The ironic part of this is, I insisted Hubs got the big “V” after C was born. And then to make sure, since I know of several people who have had an “oops” after a vasectomy, *I* also got the Essure procedure done. SO we are BOTH fixed.

    And yet every month, I have that little bit of hope that maybe, somehow, I might be pregnant. The Stupids…I has ’em.

  5. I had the stomach flu last month and my mother asked me if I was pregnant. Thanks Mom. Even though I knew I wasn’t I still had to think “Wouldn’t that be nice.” Even though life is way too crazy now. Oh and my husband would probably wonder what the hell I’ve been up to considering he has next to no sperm and the ones he does have aren’t exactly top notch.

    Yup I still hope every month. Even on the months I don’t think about it, when the good old period arrives I feel a little sinking in my stomach.

  6. heh… I have been known to be delusional on occasion… I have bought HPTs and taken them when I KNOW there was no way I could be pregnant. I will probably continue to do so after THIS pregnancy when we will be… hopefully done. I have a hard time saying this is it- the last kick at the cat because, well, if history repeats itself… yeah…I’ll be perpetually buying pregnancy tests every month hoping for a miracle- and not even having AH come to snap me out of it…

    It’d probably be a good idea for everyone to buy stock in pregnancy tests!!!

  7. Infertility screws with your brain. I don’t think that you ever really “get over” it. We decided we were done, I had a tubal ligation.

    For YEARS I kept thinking that maybe the surgery failed and I was pregnant when my period was 5 minutes late.

    I actually forgot I had the surgery for awhile.

    Like I said, it screws with your brain.

  8. Oh, I think about it every month. I actually went for about 5 months without a period and wondered every time. I think I took about 6 HPT’s during that time as well. It’s the IF coming back to bite us in the ass. Even if I WOULD get pg, I’ve never gone more than 6 weeks without a miscarriage except for my 2nd IVF, so if I were, then I’d be a freaking mess waiting for the bleeding.

    IF messes too much with our minds.

  9. Hell’s bells woman, I have no friggin’ tubes and still wonder when mine is a day or two late! I mean the odds are slim to none, but it’s still in the back of my mind. And talk about a disaster if the odds ever came true!

    But I do miss baby smell and cuddles and little tiny clothes…

  10. Delurking.
    I too am delusional. My 30s were spent in a haze of If and treatments. I got lucky twice and was done. I was still hopeful and delusional. Having never had a single positive hpt ever without an ivf cycle from age 27 to 39 I suddenly became capable of conceiving naturally. I sid so twice and lost both. Now at 42 i’m 28w Pg and hopefully no longer delusional that this can end ok.

  11. We’re not completely done, at least not until we use the last of our embryos. And I can tell you that EVERY cycle there’s a moment where I am absolutely convinced I’m pregnant. And that is when I know I’m not.

    So you’re not alone.


  12. I don’t know if hope is the right word because my last couple of pregnancies (even the successful one) didn’t begin with hope – they began with dread and anger because I knew I was in for another miscarriage. I had my tubes tied and still found myself having that “Could I….?” delusion a few months ago. I think after years of freakishly focusing on my cycles, it might take a decade or so (or menopause) before I am right in the head about it.

  13. I’m in the unfortunate situation where I don’t have much trouble getting pregnant, but staying pregnant… not so much. Plus I have been emphatically told not to attempt another pregnancy. So if one was to slip through… I don’t even want to think about it. I can’t imagine being in a situation where the responsible thing for my living children would be to terminate the pregnancy of a potential sibling because it is too dangerous to my health.

    Yes, welcome to a common theme of my current nightmares. Sigh.

  14. Ha ha ha!!! Don’t feel too bad. I still think “could I be…” and I had a tubal ligation!!! Talk about delusional!! Hoo-boy. Well, that was a good laugh! Thanks! I hope you have a spectacular day! 🙂

  15. I am delusional too. I think it comes with being infertile. Last month af was two days late and I was about to dig out the HPT that I have under my sink (yes, I actually have a test still) but it showed up just then. I do this almost every month even though there is no way absent an immaculate conception that I could be pregnant some months.

  16. My heart hurts for you. I wish I could fix it, wiggle my fingers or give you a magic potion. Alas, I cannot. Instead, I can wrap my (virtual) arms around you and give you a hug. The kind of hug that lets you melt into yourself, allowing someone to hold up your structure.

    You aren’t delusional. Just hopeful.

  17. Okay – here’s a good one.

    When I was sick this fall for what seemed like forever – I actually let my mind wonder if it was even remotely possible that I, nearly 4 years POST hysterectomy could be a miracle – and be pregnant without a uterus.

    I don’t think you EVER give up the remote possibility. It does happen… but not to someone without a uterus, that’s sorta necessary.

  18. I’m living on the edge. Intellectually, I know I’m done, because I will not be subjecting myself to any treatments that might make me crazier than I am now. I admire all of you with the fortitude to do it. Emotionally, I want another baby, even though it’s not likely to happen. My body is giving me all the signs that it’s not going to happen. And my husband is currently 3000 miles away, which puts a SLIIIIIGHT kink in those fertilization plans. But, does that stop me from imagining the impossible and hoping for the improbable? Nope. Not a chance. Sigh.

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