Another “woe is me” Post, Made Fresh!

Funny how some days blogging can make me feel either quite assured and likeable and funny and appreciated and yet on an equal number of days, make me feel like I’m just a loser (♪baby, so why doncha kill me♪). I take the good days for granted, and while I’m pretty sure they outnumber the bad, the bad have a way of halting me in my tracks for which I only stir long enough and with enough energy to open a word document and start a post. Like this.

I probably have a dozen posts in draft that start off almost identically to this one. I let them ferment a bit in the dark while I wash and dry what may be my only pair of big-girl panties, and then eventually I let it go. However, I would like just this once to air out my insecurities before I tuck them back away in their little dirt boxes to fertilize my mental mushrooms.

I read a variety of blogs, including too many satirical (aka FAILblog, LOLcats, LameBook, etc.), and over 100 private blogs that are either parenting- or infertility-related. Actually, it’s 114, and the reason I include that number is because of those 114 writers, I honestly connect with and like all 114. On my Good Days.

On my Loser Days, I start to think that only 14 actually like me back and that’s IF they even know I exist.

I don’t comment as much as I use to. I lost the luxury of dependable computer connection and limited distractions along with my job last year. So while I can go through my reader and star the posts I want to come back to, in the hour (if it’s a particularly good night) of stillness I have before bedtime, I find that there’s just not as much time as I need to continue reinforcing the bonds I thought I had, not to mention forging new ones.

My laptop has found that updating its security settings during a particularly involved and meaningful comment is a perfect opportunity to show its spite. Comments disappear. Websites lock up. URLs kick me out.

It’s like being invited at the last minute by a bunch of friends I happen to run into on the street to a major rave and the bouncer at the door not having the updated guest list after I’ve run home to dig my sparkly top out of the bottom of the hamper since I hadn’t had time to run it to the drycleaners after the last time I wore it six months ago and haul ass to the secret scene of the party in a driving snow and ice storm.

Really. It’s JUST like that. No pauses and no punctuation.

When I feel like I’m losing touch with some of my mostest favoritist bloggers, I will email them to let them know I tried. I really did. And I shouldn’t do that, because like me, you are busy people too and sometimes you don’t have time to respond. Guess what I think then? Here, I’ll give you my internal dialog:

Hmmmm. I haven’t heard back from Blogger I Love.

You just sent it. Give her a day.

Maybe I don’t have the correct email address…

Blogger I Love is busy, just like we all are. Back off. You’re being paranoid.

Oh my god. Blogger I Love just put up a new post. She’s on her computer so she had to have seen my email. I must have offended her! Oh, shit!!

Would you stop?! God. You’re not 14 anymore. Grow up.

It’s been a whole day now. She’s mad at me.

Fine. She’s mad at you. That’s her problem, not yours.

Yeah. You’re right. I’m SO over her anyway…

Blogger I Love? Come back…(*plaintive whine*)

I’m not the only one, am I?

Oops! Not only have the panties made it through the spin, they are just now softly “shssshhing” and “whummping” in the dryer. And I don’t think I’ve even made my point yet…have I?

It’s just that sometimes it’s so hard to know where I stand in on-line relationships. It took me almost 10 years with my husband to finally be able to accept that he doesn’t have to tell me he loves me every time we see each other to know that he loves me.

Probably.

I’m pretty sure he does.

Maybe it would all be so much simpler to believe you all hate me and it’s purely out of pity that you continue to read. Maybe it’s not that or you know that I easily fit the profile of a stalker and would hunt your ass down if you left me.

Just know this: if I’ve sent you an email, or I’ve commented, or you’ve seen an IP from a state known only for its Kool-Aid origins, then know that I do love you. Like my husband, I’m just not very good at showing it consistently or when you might need it the most.

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37 thoughts on “Another “woe is me” Post, Made Fresh!”

  1. Dude, you know I’ll always be here for you, even if it does sometimes take me a few days to read posts. And I love it when you comment on my FB page. 🙂

  2. Got your email. Sorry I didn’t reply. Love you too. Busy, busy, busy. I was off work (my main blog reading and emailing time) with my parents here. They are gone now so I have to “work” again so will be better about getting back to you. You know I love you even though I never call or write or send Christmas cards that I promised you. 😉

  3. I have over 100 blogs in my blog reader also, and there are currently over 300 of them that are unread. 11 of them were yours (but I’m reading those now 🙂 ). I’ve been awful about reading blogs since I started getting depressed, and even more awful about commenting on said blogs. And then those numbers are incredibly daunting when I try to come back to them. But you know I love you (I hope).

  4. I have 139 updated feeds in bloglines, add to that the blogs not updated and thats a mothertrucker load of people I “can mostly” keep up with ok fine a dozen of those are lolcat type blogs that only get read once a month or so.

    We all want to be liked it’s human nature, and it’s human nature to not see the 139 less a dozen feeds of friends I “can” keep up with and see only the 14 that have gone password protected and not given me the password. they suck oh yeah they suck, but in quiet moments when I’m feeling a little human a little fragile I wonder, what I did to those 14 when the answer is nothing.

    now bring your snowflake special blogginess over here and give Aunty Jen a hug.

  5. I’m having a shit-tastic time trying to keep up with everything. I think Jess has a point. Between Facebook, Twitter and people reading through feed readers, there’s no reason to leave a “hey, I was HERE” comment any more. Which, kinda crappy sometimes when you want a reminder.

    My reader currently has 500 feeds in it. Not posts. Feeds. I don’t think I can keep this shit up. I need to cut the bullshit. You’re not the bullshit and you know it.

    1. I think I have 230 total feeds or somewheres around that. I just couldn’t keep up with the numbers you have since I’m not doing such a great job now. It’s hard. In your case, since you get so many damn comments on your blog, it’s easier for me to pop up on FB. I don’t do well in crowds.

  6. Ha! Here I thought I was the only one who does this. I lost a couple of followers and I drove myself nuts trying to figure out what I had said…blah blah blah. Never mind that they probably have LIVES and don’t want to read my drivel.

    Paranoia and feelings of inadequacy follow me everywhere 🙂

  7. Well I still love ya, I read ya, and I know that you read me. It is hard with all that is going on right now to comment with speed!! Sometimes it takes me 4-5 days to remember that I wanted to reply to something in the first place!!

    I love ya sweetie… SMILE!!

    Erica

    1. I do that as well. Sometimes I don’t get back to something for a week and by then I think I’ll sound lame trying to say something relevant when there may even be a new post that somehow nulls and voids what I wanted to say in the first place!

  8. Reading… not generally commenting because whenever I get on the computer some 2 year old gets uppity and closes the computer. Do you think he’s trying to tell me something??? You can’t get rid of me…

  9. So if you haven’t emailed me or commented on my drivel, I can assume you don’t love me? Sniff, sniff, sniff

    Honey, people are busy. I used to get work done at work, until I started reading blogs. Now I suck (um, as an employee. As a person, I rule!). Don’t take the stuff personally. I don’t, because people don’t mean it personally. There’s only so much you can do in a day. One hour and a finicky connection does not make for quality time.

    Did you visit Mel’s lushary yesterday? If you want to see something that can be taken personally, check the comment from Kate (Bee in the Bonnet {?}).

    1. Oooh, no, I haven’t caught up with SQ lately. I’ll check it out.

      No, I haven’t commented (this week) on your blog, but you know I’m there for you. Plus, we get to share some fun stuff through google.reader, don’t we?

  10. Dude, I email you back. WTF?

    And you call ME a whore?

    You know I give you shit because I love you right? Because if I hated you, I’d just pretend you didn’t exist. That’s how you know.

  11. I’m hovering at just about 280 blogs in my reader – people I love, people who are funny, people who have caught my eye. A few are even ‘Oh my God she’s LOCAL!!’ ones that will sift themselves out in time

    I have to do some serious culling, really- it breaks my heart!

    I’m hovering right where you are – too many blogs to really connect and BE there all the time, but unwilling to give them up.

    You’re not alone.I think the entire Internet has slowed on commenting and responding.

You can say it here.

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