Holy Schmoly!

This year is a big one at school for Doodicus. During the first half of second grade, they prepare for the First Reconciliation (first confession). The second half, they prepare for First Communion (taking of the bread).

My husband and I are not what one would call devout Catholics </air quotes>. This coming from someone who retweeted one of my friend’s updates that said (and I paraphrase), “Why do people say it’s the ‘Gospel Truth’ when the gospel was actually a work of fiction?” I lost a FB friend with that one. I know who it was so I sent her another friend request, just to see if she would get over herself, and well…she hasn’t. So I blocked her. Because I’m spiteful like that.

Sparring Partner and I were both raised Catholic, but I have to say that we are floundering a bit as we try to follow the suggestions of the school to impress upon Doodicus the importance of what he’s being taught in his religion classes. Quite frankly, we are more concerned about the skills necessary for him to get a job. No amount of praying is going to get his reading level up to snuff nor will it help him learn to “mind his own business”, per his recent report card.

First Reconciliation was what I would consider a fiasco. No one warned us ahead of time that we should plan on a good two hours as 100-plus second graders, a combined total from both Catholic and Public schools, divided themselves into five unequal lines to sit in front of five different priests; and then tell them that they are mean to their little sisters/brothers and that they don’t listen to mom and dad. Repent, SINNERSSSSSSS!

I’m now learning that First Communion is a HUUUGE deal. And while it’s not until April, I’ve already been asked, “Are you getting Doodicus a suit?” (yes, I am); “Are you going to rent out a place for a party or have one at home?” (party? This requires a party?); “What are you giving him for a gift?” (the gift of Jesus isn’t enough?!).

The other night there was a “Parents Only” (loosely translated into “Keep your rug-rhinos at home, for the love of all that’s holy!”) meeting at the school. Boys should wear dress slacks, dress shoes and a white shirt. They don’t have to wear white, but we prefer it as it symbolizes their baptism. There’s goes my idea of him wearing a black shirt with his black suit, looking all Mafioso and shit. Girls should wear white dresses. NO gloves and no purses as these items can be misplaced. Followed by: IF you insist that your girl wears gloves, she will need to remove them before Communion as the bread must be placed in the “flesh of the palm”.

Now, why in the in the world, would you give the parents an out like that? If you don’t want them to wear gloves, tell them no gloves and period.

By now, I’m chatting under my breath to one of my son’s friend’s mom. Party? Suit? Gift? And then I hear, “We’ll be serving both species…” What? They’re serving a meal with this? Both Species…is that steak and chicken or steak and fish? Probably fish, right? “…so they will be receiving both the bread and the wine.” Really? That’s what they mean by “both species”?  Whoda thunk? Crazy Catholics.

Speaking of “crazy”, here’s the tie I designed on Zazzle for Doodicus’s First Communion. I sent a picture to my husband and one of my friends. My husband was not amused. My friend? She forwarded it to my son’s priest, who thought it was hysterical. Inappropriate, but still – hysterical.