Slopping Pigs in the Comfort of Your Home

My friend Statia from Failure to Nap (again, no link because I’m doing this while having no direct internet connection, so deal. Or just google it.) asked me how I deal with sloppy kids. How she knows my kids are slobs is really just a wild guess on her part, but it’s a sad truth. Sparring Partner is not allowed to wear light colored clothing when we go out to eat because without fail, he will drop something either on his lap or it falls off the fork to his mouth and hits the target which is right there on his chest. The funny thing is is that his ENTIRE family is the same way! A meal out with in-laws would almost be comical as one-by-one, they each spill something on the front of their shirts. My FIL goes so far as to tuck his napkin (and by god, if you don’t give him a fucking cloth napkin, your ass is grass) into his shirt collar.

My son has inherited the chronic slob gene. And for whatever reason, even a napkin on his lap or right there at the table does not hamper his wholly annoying habit of wiping his hands on his pants or shirt. By the time he finishes breakfast, the kid looks like he’s been playing outside all day. It’s hair-pulling frustration.

Aitch has an excuse to drop things down her front. She’s barely two. However, she’s got this thing about napkins and will demand one for every meal. Plus she uses it correctly, wiping her face and hands and then digging into her whatever with her fingers until she realizes that crap is some kind of messy and she’ll use her napkin once again.

The reason I’m sharing this with you all is I actually have a wonderful tip to pass on to help keep your baby/toddler fairly clean looking. Of course, you can always use a bib. You know, that obnoxious slip of fabric that barely covers a kid’s breastbone and gets ripped off within 2.5 seconds of being put on? Or that hard, plastic-molded, feed-trough that looks as if your kid vomited in it after a meal because it prevents them from sitting up close to the table? I actually stumbled upon this item, this lunch life-saver, by accident.

By the time Aitch was old enough to start solids, I finally had the nerve to go through some of Doodicus’s packed away clothing from when he was wee little. Inside were several plain, white t-shirts, size 4-5 (or small) from Hanes. Most were stained and I thought briefly about cutting them up and turning them into rags, but then realized they would be PERFECT to protect Aitch’s clothes. They slip easily over her head, and while now half her arm is uncovered, that’s no big deal since everything else gets covered – all the way down to her lap. Sure, they don’t keep her waterproof, but big deal. Red sauces, syrup, peanut butter, etc….all dreaded by-products of feeding your kid are now no big deal. Aitch can’t yank the t-shirt off like a traditional bib and they are super comfortable with no rubbing plastic edging. I try to keep at least one in my bag for times we go out as they take up no more room than any bib.

So there you go. Go, My Children, and invest in t-shirts for your little Rug Rhinos and free yourself from the tyranny of bleach, Shout and pre-soaking. Unless you are married to Slobnourous Max, which sorry but you’re just fucked.

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10 thoughts on “Slopping Pigs in the Comfort of Your Home”

  1. I must be secretly related to your husband. I’m the same way. Although I usually just blame the boobs. Big boobs means food can’t fall harmlessly into my lap where I’m usually wearing jeans. 🙂

  2. My kids go around in diapers all summer. I mean, not the OLD one, but the small ones. They’re not so slobby, just, well, I guess I caught Amelia digging into a bowl of peanut butter with her hands this morning, so what does THAT make her? I don’t really know.

  3. Zack came home from daycare yesterday with his nice new shirt covered in spaghetti stains. Perhaps I need to buy a bunch of oversized tshirts and gift them to the daycare. 🙂

  4. That’s a good idea!! Neither of mine kept a bib on. They’re a little better now, but every now & then Maggie will wipe her mouth on her sleeve & Will “forgets” that he has a fork readily available.

    Now, if I could get Joe to find where he put his manners, I’d be a happy girl.

  5. Not the husband would approve if I got him one too. All his clothes are marked by grease spots he doesn’t tell me about before throwing them in the laundry.

  6. We just take all of Ciera’s clothes off. When she see’s dinner coming to the table now, she strips. My mom says that it will be a shock to her dates when she suddenly strips at the restaurant, since we have her trained so well.

  7. I’d need a tarp for her. She would STILL manage to stain her clothes. Not only that, she manages to roll around in mud, and god knows whatever other bit of nature that is impossible to remove from clothing.

  8. Great tip!
    K never minded the bib. L hates it. So I will probably use this tip. When we are at home I take off her shirt.

  9. My dainty little one would rather spread food all over the floor rather than down her front. But she will walk around with chocolate or peanut butter on her face all day, if we let her. I think she likes how it smells.

    In my family, someone always has to be wearing the food…fortunately, it’s usually my mom who takes care of it for us. She tucks her napkin into her shirt too. It’s so classy.

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