The Little Mole Who Went In Search of Whodunnit *

Several weeks ago I posted a picture via my phone to Facebook with the caption, “Uh oh”. It was a picture of a mole. Not the blind, bald kind that eats worms, but the kind that if on the face tend to grow that ONE hair once you reach an age that I may or may not be.

But this mole is a few inches above the heel of my foot. I’ve had it forever, which leads me to a funny sidebar.

So the nurse in the dermatology clinic is getting my history. We had the following exchange:

What are we seeing you for today?

I have a mole that should be looked at.

Have you any medication allergies?

Yes, penicillin.

How long have you had it?

All my life.

She turns to look at me funny.

Oh! The mole? I thought you meant the allergy.

Alright. So that was way funnier in my head.

How about this following exchange:

I’m going to ask you a bunch of questions that are for old people.

(WTF?? I am not “old”!)

She proceeds to ask about pacemakers and joint replacements. I repress an urge to shout BINGO! but instead say:

I didn’t realize I’ve reached that age.

Oh, we ask all our patients. I just meant that they sound like questions for older people.

That wasn’t funny either, was it. I guess you had to be there.

If  you had been there, you would have seen her hunched over my leg with two days stubble and shooting it up with numbing medicine and then the doctor come in and shave the top of this stupid mole and scrape it off into a little specimen jar. You might have seen me try to flirt my way into a cheaper office visit as well, which I think I actually did. I was originally told that since I was self-pay that I would have to pay not only the office visit, but a portion of the pathology fee. However, after asking the doctor what he “could do for an uninsured and poor woman *eyelash batting*“, I noticed a funny little asterisk on my paperwork with just the office fee noted. I’ll let you know if I get another bill.

In two weeks I’ll get a phone call telling me it’s malignant. Or in three weeks I’ll get a letter telling me it’s nothing. So here’s to hoping you don’t see an update on this issue for at least three weeks.

* If you don’t have this children’s book, go out and get it RIGHT now. Seriously. Or give it as a gift to a friend. Especially a friend who still laughs at fart jokes.