Last night I crawled into bed shortly after putting Aitch down. Sparring Partner and Doodicus were at a local football game and so the house was quiet.

I turned on my bed so that I was facing the video monitor which showed she had quickly fallen asleep, curled up on her side with Corncorn cuddled to her face. I was overwhelmed with the urge to go to her room, pick her up, and bring her to bed with me so I could cuddle with her like she was cuddling that stuffed unicorn. She’s my lifeline right now as I feel myself fall into yet another bout of depression.

It’s like she’s the only “normal” person living in this home. Doodicus’s issues with school and his current pre-adolescent stage filled with belligerence and rude behaviour makes me not want to be around him. I’m happy to let him play video games so I don’t have to listen to him whine or cry or stomp his feet when I tell him to pick up his toys.

Sparring Partner and I are…

…are what, I can’t really say. We are housemates who have children together. If I try to tell him I am sad or scared or unhappy, somehow we end up arguing and finger-pointing. So, I don’t tell him I’m sad and scared and unhappy.

That brings me back to Aitch. When it comes to her needs and demands, which sometimes make me feel expended because of everything else, I know right now she’s what keeps me centered as the rest of my life seems to spin out of balance. Ironically, it will only be a matter of time before her own life’s story about her donor becomes a source of anxiety. Until then, I gaze at her wistfully, polarized by my need to be as close to her as possible and the need to escape.

22 thoughts on “Polarized”

  1. I empathise with so much of this post and the comments. I do go and pick the children up when I feel like that, and the feel of the little one in particular, cuddled into my neck as he settles back to sleep, is one I hope I will always remember.

    I’m sorry things are so tough. From my experience, you and SP do need to spend some time on your relationship, it’s very easy for stuff to go south from here without anyone really wanting that to happen.

    Thinking of you.

  2. Oh shit. I don’t want to say don’t worry,it’ll be ok…..but Don’t worry. It’ll be ok.

    Stupid firewall @ work will let me read your posts,but not comment. I’m doing this from the phone, so please excuse poor typing skillz.

  3. Sorry things are sucky.

    I find it funny that I also turn to Tessa when I’m feeling out of sync with the world…I don’t know if it is the age or her but she makes me feel like everything is okay.

  4. I wish there was something I could do or say to make all the crap you have been through these last couple of years go away. Or, at least, better.

    …Thinking of you…

  5. I’m so sorry that life is so tough right now. Sounds like you and probably SP too are both in a slough of despond. I don’t know what to suggest – therapy, medication, a day just for you, a really good friend to lean on – easy to say but when you are feeling this way it is often just hard to motivate yourself to talk to someone about doing something to help. I wish it wasn’t this way and that it stops soon. Hug Aitch all you want. X

  6. Sorry you’re feeling so alone – I don’t think what you’re experiencing is uncommon at all. You’re all going through a lot right now and you each have your own fears and anxieties. Sometimes small children are just easier to get along with in spite of all their exhausting needs. I hope something changes soon and that you get some good news next week.

  7. I hear you on the housemates. Definitely right there now too. My heart sinks when he walks in the back door wondering what stupid thing we’re going to argue about this time. Snuggle that little one all you want!

  8. I wish I had some answers (any answers). I wish it was easier to ask for help. It sounds like sparring partner might also be feeling some of what you are or maybe he is just at a loss as to how to help.
    My son is also going through some stuff that makes me feel sad, angry, anxious, sick, overwhelmed, and guilty (of what I’m not sure) – it would be so much easier if I didn’t love him quite so much.
    I honestly think that your two-year video of aitch should be all the reassurance she needs (not that anything is ever likely to be that easy).
    You broke all the rules indeed – and I think she will be smart enough to see exactly what that meant for you and what that means about how you (all of you) feel about her. For some reason, I have faith in aitch (she’s really too little for this, isn’t she?)
    Am I making sense? It’s late and I’m exhausted so those are my excuses. You on the other hand don’t need any.
    Take Care YYM .

  9. OMG- I think Doodicus and The Cutie Pie (was that ever his name at one point) are one and the same person, because man, the crap he puts me through on a daily basis. And as for being roommates with a husband, yeah, been there. I am glad that Aitch is a bit of comfort to you (how the hell did you come up with that nickname, BTW?) and not adding to your stress. I am just starting to get back to the point where I am enjoying my kids more and not so constantly stressed by all the goings on all day, every day. (Its midnight and surprise, surprise, at least one of them is still awake- argh!)

  10. Nothing but assvice here so feel free to delete at will. In my line of work, we find many families that literally fall apart due to having a child with disabilities (intellectual / developmental / behavioral / whatever -‘ism you can name….). There’s so much internal turmoil going on, on top of trying to keep one’s head above water while “dealing with” the disability and associated fall out. Everyone is so busy focusing on someone else and the familial relationships, including the mariital one simply fade out of the picture.

    I’m sure I’m not imparting anything new. Only that what you’re going through is NOT uncommon. Sadly, it’s all TOO common. I absolutely ADORE you so definitely take care of yourself. If that’s counselling w/ or w/o SP, spending an afternoon at a starbucks with a good book or going streaking at midnight (doing your best “Old School” impression) DO IT. You deserve nothing less {{{hugs}}}

  11. I’m so sorry. It’s so hard when a spouse doesn’t seem to understand your sadness. It happens with me and my husband too. I think it happens to most people. But it doesn’t make it any easier. just know we’re thinking of you.

  12. My youngest only has 2 1/2 years till he is gone to college. Honestly, I am wondering what will happen with husband and me as a couple when he is gone. I am going through something really life altering right now and all he says is “don’t worry, it will be fine”. Well…it may NOT be fine and he doesn’t get it.

    I hope you did go pick her up. Never hesitate. Blink, and she will be only 2 1/2 years from college and you will wish you had cuddled her more.

  13. I hope you feel better after spending some time in WalMart!? Surely that made you realize how AWESOME you are!!

    No ideas, judgments, or assvice here…just love.

    Hang in there. Breathe.

  14. Why are husbands like that? Just insanely insensitive. Your house, at times sounds very much like mine. There isn’t a shortage of love – but a huge shortage of support and comradery. Not that it makes the situation any better – but in my case, I think it’s because I’m a whole lot stronger than my husband is… and I suspect you are much the same way. Having gone through everything you have, and having it happen to YOUR body – of course you are the stronger of the two. Perhaps he feels like he doesn’t know how to help you, or that perhaps if he didn’t dwell on the current situation – maybe you wouldn’t either. Now that’s complete crap, I know – but it sounds like that is what is going on. Maybe try writing him a letter and telling him how much you need him right now?

  15. You are not alone.

    While I don’t normally comment (I’m shy, sorry!), I wanted you to know that your feelings matter and I know how it feels when your partner cannot give you the validation you need. Please try to find it somewhere else for the time being IRL, in addition to the wonderful support you get from your online family. You deserve to be heard.

    Your honesty continues to inspire and amaze me.
    Wishing you peace of mind…

You can say it here.

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