4 of 30: Smug as a Bug

I’ve been complaining on Facebook about one of the people I’ve been stuck next to at my current temp job. I’ve mentioned her here a couple of weeks ago. She happens to be the first and only woman to have ever become pregnant! Can you believe it?!

Within the first two days working in the same room as her, she has imparted the following bit of trivia:

  • How long it took to get pregnant
  • When she found out she got pregnant (I already mentioned, it was on her son’s 1st birthday)
  • Where the placenta is
  • How much the baby moves
  • How her future FIL believes alcohol will not harm the baby
  • How her pregnancies had ruined her once teen-modeling body
  • How utterly OLD she is now (she’s not yet 30)
  • How to spell her fiance’s name (it’s tattooed on the back of her neck)
  • How often she has braxton-hicks contractions (since she pants, oohs and ahhs, and rubs her abdomen with each one)
  • How many weeks and days she’s pregnant and she updates us each day (“Yep, I’m not 32wks and 4 days!” and then the next day, “Wow! I’m already 32wks and 5 days!” because anyone who might have paid attention the day before was too stupid to do the math)
  • How naughty the baby is (because it keeps her up all night shoving its knees into her ribcage)
  • What a “chunk” it is as it’s now 4lbs and 12oz (and the next day, the baby is 4lbs and 14oz – again, we are all apparently stupid)
  • And finally, how she forgot to bring in the 4D ultrasound pictures, but she’ll remember them next week! (and she did and then proceeded to pass them around)

You know, it’s one thing for a fellow employee to do this if I had been working with her for a couple of months and we had developed some kind of repoire, but this woman is the Queen of Overshare. I don’t know if she’s hoping that we’ll throw her a baby shower or what, but christ! I don’t care to know that much about a stranger. I’ve never liked chit-chat so this bedroom exchange is really annoying the living crap out of me. Let me clarify that she’s not just coming over to my desk and telling me all this, she is announcing it to the room of 12 people.

And it’s not like I can escape the endless wah wah wahwahwah wah, because I can’t physically leave the area and still do my work. Instead, Sparring Partner took pity on me and filled up an MP3 player with a bunch of my favorite music. It helped.

It was pointed out to me on FB that my bitter complaining should be channeled more constructively into happy, congratulatory thoughts. I suppose that’s a valid point IF SHE WAS A FRIEND, but she’s not. I don’t owe her happy, congratulatory thoughts. She didn’t offer me any sympathy on the day I showed up in crutches and it the unavoidable  questions were answered, but they were answered simply.

Let’s end this post, probably one of the longest I’ll have during NaBloPoMo, on a happy note – literally:

 * Pregnant Women Are Smug (click to hear it sung: Awe – some!)

Pregnant women are smug

Everyone knows it, nobody says it

Because they’re pregnant

Effing son of a gun

You think you’re so deep now, you give me the creeps

Now that you’re pregnant

I can’t count all the ways how

You speak in clichés now

Riki: So, do you want a boy or girl?

Kate: Oh, doesn’t matter as long as it’s healthy

Riki: Really? ‘Cause I don’t feel that those two things are related. It’s not like one or the other.

Kate: Oh, really, as long as it’s healthy.

I can’t wait to hear someone say

“Don’t care if it’s brain dead

Don’t care if it’s limbless

If it has a penis”

Pregnant women are smug

Everyone knows it, nobody says it

Because they’re pregnant

This zen world you’re enjoying

Makes you really annoying

Riki: So, is it a boy or girl?

Kate: Oh, we know, but we’re not telling.

Riki: What you’re gonna name it?

Kate: Oh, we know, but we’re not telling.

Riki: Who’s the father?

Kate: Oh, we know, but we’re not telling.

Bitch, I don’t really care

I was being polite

Since you have no life now

That you’re pregnant

You say you’re walking on air

You think that you’re glowing

But you’ve been ho’ing

And now you’re pregnant

You’re just giving birth now

You’re not Mother Earth now

Riki: Oh my gosh, I’ve got so much going on. I got my novel published, I moved, I got married.

Kate: Gosh, you know, everything seems so trivial now that I’m pregnant.

Riki: Well, I also helped end gang violence in Mexico when…

Kate: You know, I can’t even remember what I did before I was pregnant. Everything else seems so meaningless.

Pregnant women are smug

Everyone knows it, nobody says it

Because they’re pregnant

Effing son of a gun

You think you’re so deep now, you give me the creeps now

Now that you’re pregnant

* And if you are currently pregnant, please realize that this is not directed at you personally. Unless you’re acting smug.