Can I Leave It Up To A Coin Toss?

I’ve been vacillating between letting 2011 being my year of forgiveness: forgiving my former employer for being a cocksucker, forgiving myself for being hard-headed and abrasive, so I can go on to be a kinder, gentler me.

Or to be the year of shirking this neutral pansy cape I’ve been wearing and scream out, “Fuck you, you losers!” like Superman in the phone booth and stop worrying about diplomacy, both here and in my personal life.

Either of these options actually make me cringe a bit, and I realize that it will probably take me all of 2011 to figure it out.

I all but gave up looking or a job. When my computer was infected and I had lost a recent version of my resume about a month ago, I never went back to rebuild it. There’s currently two positions I found locally I should apply for but the idea of being rejected again overpowers the very slim possibility I would even land an interview. The lack of confidence I feel contributes to my desire to go with Option #2 above in the harsh day light. It’s at night, when I invariably wake up to stare at the shadow of the ceiling fan that I wonder if I wouldn’t be more at peace with Option #1 because my ass is sore from the repeated self-kicking.

Last night as I was cleaning off the remains of supper (the one Sparring Partner cooked (he always cooks)) while he was playing a computer game with Doodicus, I felt oddly at peace rinsing the dishes, stacking the dishwasher, wiping the table and clearing the counter. Like I was happy, carefree. And now this morning again I am knotted up with stress and once again disenchanted.

Not looking for answers. Just airing my brain while Aitch sleeps in after her repeated wakings last night. Once at 3:30 a.m. to play with her stuffed toys in her crib and the second time at 5:30 to whine loudly. Literally, whine like a puppy. SO annoying!

And at that, I hear her. She must be more rested than her mom, as she is playing quietly. I wish I was 2 1/2 years old again.

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6 thoughts on “Can I Leave It Up To A Coin Toss?”

  1. I don’t know if I have ever really been at peace in the workplace, but I sure do fake it well. Oh hell I fake a lot of things! Last year I was totally bullied at work which is pretty pathetic considering I’m an elementary teacher. When I decided to switch buildings I let loose on the bully before leaving. It felt FANTASTIC. Stupid bitch didn’t see it coming.

    I like BigP’s advice. Cake is yummy.

    If you don’t want to go back to work and don’t have to, I say live it up! But if you do want a job don’t let rejection stop you. It’s totally their loss if they can’t see how wonderful you are!

  2. I agree with everyone else! Also, keep applying for jobs – once you’ve pretty much decided that staying home is nice and just what you want to do, the perfect job with fantastic benefits will probably show up.

  3. How about being kinder and more gentle with yourself and scream FUCK YOU to your old boss? Have your cake and eat it too. You deserve it. And, it’s FUCKING CAKE, you can’t pass that up.

You can say it here.

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