You would do ANYTHING? Here’s my bank account information for the transfer.

When I was trying to get pregnant or found out I was going to miscarry, there were certain phrases that people seemed to think were helpful. Many of you know these phrases and their just-as-annoying variations all too well:

  • It’s God’s will.
  • You just need to relax/take a vacation.
  • If you adopt, you’ll get pregnant.
  • Just watch mine for the day and you’ll change your mind.

Being the recipient of such useless remarks would make my blood boil, but there really is nothing that can be done except go to my blog and complain about them. And it definitely isn’t just me. Google “things not to say to an infertile person” if you really want to know.

Now that I’m an Involuntary Stay At Home Mom (ISAHM), I’ve heard the following response to the announcement I am no longer working enough times to make me want to beat the person about the head with a used toilet brush.

“You’re SO lucky! I would do anything to stay at home with my kid(s)!”

I am so lucky?! How is losing nearly half our annual income, investment portfolio, and health benefits “lucky”?? My children who had formed bonds at daycare and established routines now feel lonely and bored at home because their mother, who has never been unemployed has no idea what to do with her children at home except help one with homework, put together puzzles, or watch entirely way too much TV.

I would do anything…is such a crock of shit. Anything? Hey, it’s not that hard to do. No magic genie needs to be summoned in order to become a SAHM/D. You just need to quit your job. Simple. Oh, you don’t want to lose your health insurance and then worry about how every specialist that you need to see means that down the road if you want to purchase private health insurance, it means a major hike in premium and that’s IF they will even cover you? Heaven forbid you get cancer and become uninsurable. Or your son get diagnosed with psychological problems. Don’t worry if you have asthma or if your spouse is overweight.

So no, you wouldn’t do anything. You like the idea of it, and sure it even sounds great to me, but the reality sucks. Unless you know the person who just told you they are a SAHM is doing so voluntarily, please keep that “lucky” and “anything” remark behind closed lips. That’ll keep me from taking better aim.

11 thoughts on “You would do ANYTHING? Here’s my bank account information for the transfer.”

  1. I am so with you on the not knowing what the heck to do with the kids thing. I am still, knock on wood, employed but who knows the future for a double State employee household in this state these days. State employment used to be a very secure thing, not so much these days. Not rubbing it in that I am still employed just saying that the future is uncertain and if I had to stay home with my kid everyday I would go insane as she is way too high energy for me. Can you tell me again what I was thinking having a kid at 40? 😉
    I want the best of both worlds, all my employment perks but not having to go to work. 😉 don’t we all though? I have grand plans for when I win the lottery, kids go to school or daycare, depending on how soon I get that winning ticket, and I get to stay home and sew and make stuff with no distractions.
    I know I have said stuff that has pissed others off, ISAHM’s, infertile’s, post miscarriage sufferers (this one I should have known better having been there myself a few times). I apologize to all, not that most of the ones I have said stupid stuff too read your blog, or any blog for that matter.

    Keep up the good work here and know I am sending good job finding vibes your way. You know, just relax, take a vacation and you will come home to several job offers waiting on your answering machine, tell yourself that you are perfectly fine with the way your life is and a stupid job will come along to screw it all up. 😉 I hope you know I am being a smartass there, you should know that about me by now. 😉 Love ya!

  2. I did the stay at home mom thing (okay really it was work part tine at home mom thing and that is HARD) for a few months and I found out a lot about myself……I need to work. Period. If not for the money, for my sanity. I thrive on the having something to do – but don’t want it to be cleaning my house, etc. I guess I just always more than anything wanted to have the choice to work – but we need the money and we need the benefits. I feel your pain, honey.

  3. I guess I never really put it together you were parenting full-time. I just thought of you are unemployed and so not using daycare right now. There’s a world of difference between that, as you said, and being a SAHM on purpose!

  4. The problem I have with that comment is that it makes it about them. Instead of hearing what you are saying, they are turning it around to talk about themselves. And also, it assumes you are living the life of luxury at home eating bon bons all day.

  5. Sigh. People see you as a SAHM rather than unemployed. Point that out to them, and they’ll sing a different song for you.

    Here’s hoping that you never hear that again – because people suddenly develop brains or because you find the job of your dreams…either way!

  6. I’m not putting it out there (on Facebook, for example) and I haven’t blogged in eons, but I am also currently among the legion of involuntary SAHMs. As the primary breadwinner (I earned 80% of our income), we can’t afford for this to last long. The anxiety is overwhelming.

    On the topic of people who say the wrong thing, I’m pretty sure my comments to others in this position have never referred to them as lucky or expressed a willingness to do anything to join them but I probably have noted the limited upside and said it would be nice to be able to do it by choice rather than force. Turns out, the frequent tantrums, the challenge of coordinating the schedules of an infant and a toddler, and the lack of any real breaks (and my kids are still in daycare part-time so I can job search, so I do get breaks some days) make being home less fun than I imagined it would be.

  7. I have another one to add to the comments said to me while miscarrying. On a really bad day during my 5th miscarriage while I was at work (because hey, I want a job) I told my collegue it was a bad day due to the whole miscarriage thing and her response was “have you heard of birth control?”. This is the collegue who recently circulated a letter of innuendo questioning my character.
    Yep… everytime someone says something unusual it usually says volumes about them.
    I hope the staying at home thing gets easier for you (actually I hope someone phones you up tomorrow with a great job offer but I don’t want you to send me nasty emails so I’ll just keep that to myself).

  8. So true! I have to wonder what stupid shit comes out of my mouth and I don’t even realize it yet. I know I said dumb crap before I realized I was infertile. I’m sure I said stupid crap about multiples before I became a mom to triplets. I’m sure I’ve said dumb stuff about unemployment before my husband went through 3 layoffs. I know I said dumb stuff about SAHMs before I was forced to be one for a couple of years since 3 in daycare was too much for a teacher salary.

    But gotta wonder who I’m currently insulting now! I’d like to apologize to those people in advance.

  9. A-fucking-men!!!!

    So sorry for the profanity- but really!! I miss my career. I miss feeling like I am a contributing member of this family. I miss being able to spend money- and not worry if my husband will approve of the purchase, because it’s “his” money (he doesn’t think of it that way- but I sure as hell do).

    I long for the days when I am done furthering my education, am OUT of this blasted (*&&^%*%*^)*&(*^%&^$ area of the country, and can get a real job again!! *sigh*

    I think the next time someone tells me they’d give ANYTHING to be a SAHM, I will tell them that they just have to give me their job!!!

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