I Will NOT Google Body Dysmorphic Disorder

This is me in my new swimsuit, purchased with the hopes of buying me a few extra years before I die of skin cancer. Oh, c’mon! We all know it’ll happen. Sooner rather than later. I just hope it’ll lean a little towards the later so I can see my own kids become parents (if that’s what they want to do…).

Actually, this is how I see myself when I look in the mirror. When I went through the infertility treatments and the miscarriages, my weight and size just kept climbing. Before the stress of it all packed on, my husband had it easy. All he had to do was memorize one number when it came to shopping for me: 7. Shoes, hat-size, jeans, etc. and that was after I had Doodicus. Before that, I would hit the clearance racks at Banana Republic and snap up all the size 2 items for a song.

I hit my second highest weight right before getting pregnant with Aitch, but I was ecstatic when breastfeeding brought me back down closer to my goal, one that let me wear everything I still had in my closet, and comfortably! I was really hoping it would eventually lead to this:

And then I lost my job one month shy of my 10-year anniversary, and I had a renewed case of loathing for who I am. I don’t think I ate more, I just did less. And then one day I asked my husband, “Does it look like I’m gaining weight?” and without the hesitation that you see in the commercial where President Lincoln’s wife asks him if she looks fat, Sparring Partner answered simply and quickly, “Yes.” But he didn’t stop there, “Haven’t you had to buy some new jeans up-a-size this year?”

If I wasn’t such a hardened bitch, I would have crumpled to the floor and cried my weight in tears. I’ve tried to watch what I eat, but I can honestly say that my diet isn’t excessive. So I signed up for a membership at the Y and started Zumba and weight-lifting. It’s been over two months and even though I go to one of the two classes every week-day, I still haven’t lost any weight. Or I don’t think so. The last time I stepped on a scale was about a month ago, right before I did go buy some new jeans (it was get some new jeans or find someone to invent a bra with a built-in muffin-top holder).

FYI: it’s true what Stacy and Clinton say. Wear clothes that fit you now, not the clothes you hope to fit into. Wearing a pair of jeans that didn’t make every knit top I have look like I was shoplifting kielbasa is a mood-booster for sure.

I try not to beat myself up mentally over what is most likely just a simple case of aging, but it’s hard to not think about where did my youth go? I feel like so much of it was wasted. On what? I don’t know and that brings me full circle. I want to be one of those women who march into their 50s content, empowered, and yet still beautiful, but I’m mired in what feels like an endless funk. I look at this picture and I remind myself that I’m not as much of a lost cause as I sometimes perceive myself to be, but I want to be better. Physically and mentally.

16 thoughts on “I Will NOT Google Body Dysmorphic Disorder”

  1. I’m dittoing what several others have said. I think you look great just the way you are. I fully understand not seeing what is really in front of you when you look in the mirror. I’ve been there for several years. (I just try not to look…. 🙂

  2. You look great. You’ve gotta have some badass genetics to be a size 2 after kids. Most of us don’t have that, so it’s probably a lot of effort to hold off that middle age spread.

    1. I guess I wasn’t very clear. What a surprise! I was a 2 before Doodicus. I became a 7 AFTER Dood, which is when my husband should have been shopping for me, but didn’t.

  3. Just discovered your blog and honestly don’t even remember how because I’ve spend the last hour reading your archives.

  4. We women are so damn hard on ourselves. We cut other people slack, but when it comes to our weight, our skin, our careers, our parenting skills, etc etc, we blast ourselves to pieces.

    I was into my 40’s before I had any confidence at all and it grows more and more the older I get. Most women tell me they feel the same. Life is a progression and it is true that experience counts. You will blossom into the woman you hope to be….because you already are her, you just need to realize it.

  5. You look wonderful. That swimsuit looks fabulous.
    Whether or not you’ve lost weight, you gain strength and stamina with exercise. (At least that’s what I’ve heard) Keep up the great work.

  6. Oh Puh-leeze! You are smokin’ hot.
    I think you look totally cute in that suit. And at least you’re doing something. I just sit on my fat, dimpled ass & poke at my flabby, fat, ugly thighs and sigh. Look, you even have that “cut” line in your thigh muscle. I haven’t seen that since blowing out my knee & having the ACL surgery which forced me to stop participating in my only exercise, softball.

  7. /cry

    All I can really say is that this post makes me sad. I’ve lost 20lbs since having weight loss surgery… and I’m still at least a year away from even CONSIDERING trying to fit myself into a size ten.

    I hate that women’s self worth all seems to come down to the number on a little tag on clothing. Wanting to be healthier is a very admirable goal- but it disgusts me that for most people being smaller IS what equates being healthier- which in most cases is just not necessarily true.

    In any case- you look fabulous! Best of luck with your journey to healthier you!

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