Foggy

When I went through those years of infertility treatment, my focus was generally on one thing and one thing only: getting – and staying – pregnant. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I didn’t want. I ate, slept and breathed in a cyclical fashion, literally. When I blogged, I knew what I wanted to say and I said it. When I wanted to break up the obsessing, I would share a story about…whatever.

Now it’s Whatever all the time and I wonder more and more what I’m trying to work out. It’s not that I’m not trying to work out something, it’s just that there’s now so many somethings. For instance, I am reading a book, Parenting Children with ADHD, and it’s been the best thing I’ve read about ADHD since Doodicus was diagnosed three years ago. I’ve been highlighting passages through my Kindle that have made me say “AHA!” just so I can share them with you and try to explain why I find them important.

I’ve had this secret about my marriage that I need to get off my chest, but I don’t know how. OK, not so much “how”, but “why”. Why should I share it? Will it really help me to put it out there or will it end up coming back and biting me on the ass like so many other things have?

Then there’s the impulsive confession I made to a fellow blogger about my daughter, which I will state without explanation because I don’t know how to explain it: When I really look at her and not see any of myself, is this how a mother through adoption sees their child? I love her fiercely, almost desperately, but I have these irrational moments where I think, “She’s not mine.”

So instead of writing about any of this here because I don’t have the mental energy to both think about it AND write it down, I write instead about Whatever. My life that was so focused on my infertility is now blurred with what I had avoided, ignored or hadn’t foreseen. I’m living in a perpetual fog.

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14 thoughts on “Foggy”

  1. I find it so so so hard to know what to share and what not to. For awhile I had another blog, even more anonymous than my current one, and I used that for the super-private stuff—but there was cross-over between the two blogs and I started feeling nervous about that. Now what I do is, if I feel like it should be on my even-more-anonymous blog, then I tell a friend instead of blogging it.

    On the other hand, I’ve blogged some really personal things where, afterward, I’m so glad I did. There are so many people who have feelings they think they shouldn’t share, and then it’s such a relief to everyone to find out they have these feelings in common. (Though of course, with blogging, you get people smacking you down for having those feelings, or telling you you SHOULDN’T have those feelings, or saying that THEY never had those feelings in a similar situation so that means there’s something wrong with you if you do.)

  2. Like you, I dont have any other way to say this, or even a way to explain it:
    I think its sad that people assume kids who are adopted are loved “differently”. Granted, I dont know how I would love a child I gave birth to/carried in my own uterus, because I have never experienced that part of life. However, I simpy can NOT imagine loving ANYONE more than I love my daughter. She is my daughter…not my “adopted” daughter. She’s mine, 100%. Im hoping that the above-mentioned child with ADD is a struggle to parent simply because he has ADD…not because he has ADD AND also happens to have been adopted. The two “issues” are mutually exclusive.

  3. On a completely different track (although obviously I relate to what you’re saying; I lost 2 pregnancies prior to Z & often torment myself w/pinpointing exactly WHEN things went wrong?? after all, I never would have proceeded w/a 3rd pregnancy if I had known my marriage was in trouble!) – I am dreading today’s funeral & not just bcz it will be such an untimely tragic event…

    Last Mon at our child exchange, I noticed Ex was wearing the thin gold band he used to wear in the yrs after our divorce: “Women are less likely to hit on you if they think you’re married” – HA! The kicker was when he handed over this month’s child support check; it’s now a joint account. He volunteered nothing, but P couldn’t stand the suspense & called him to confirm that yes, he’s married the skank! Only took him 13 yrs… Somehow I doubt Hallmark makes a card for such an occasion…

    1. So to clarify, April’s funeral today will be the first social event at which I’ll have to face Ex & “new” wife (of course she’s been his wife in all senses except the legal trappings as i said, for over 13 yrs)…
      I’m still in shock that I had to make it absolutely crystal clear to P that yes, even though he’s only met April on a handful of occasions, I’m expecting him to accompany me! More cross-cultural differences or pure obtuseness, you decide!

  4. my son, who was conceived through IVF, is my whole world. i confess there are times when i look at him and think “are you mine?”

  5. Wow! Nail on the head. I can completely relate to the feeling of losing focus and everything being foggy post baby making obsession. I routinely find myself asking “what’s next” and being answered with only fuzzy silence.

  6. I had a discussion with a friend earlier this year. She has 3 biological sons, an adopted son, and was pregnant with her first daughter. She was lamenting how difficult it is to mother her adopted son, not only because he has severe ADHD, but because at the heart of it, she feels differently about him than she does her other children. She LOVES him – she does – it’s just DIFFERENT.

    I have said the same thing to my husband, time and again. No matter how much I love my stepchildren – and I do despite all the struggle we have had – I love them more than their own mother – it is DIFFERENT.

    I don’t know how the dynamic of growing her in your own body – but I know the love I see you express for her on here and on FB. She may not have your dna, but she does have your heart. It’s DIFFERENT, and that’s ok – but you are her mommy, every bit.

    Also, totally need to find that book, before I hang Zachary up by his baby toes.

    And marital things? Well, it’s a choice we’ve made, right? Hard things can change, but only with mutual commitment. I am hoping whatever it is, it can be ‘fixed’

  7. I became so focused on the endgame of having a baby and dealing with infertility that I ignored the fact that I was married to (and having a baby with) the wrong person.

    As far as the marital confession goes, don’t put it out there if it’s not something you would’t want everyone to know. If it’s something you want advice on or just a sympathetic ear – email me! Or talk to someone you trust.

    And I totally get your feelings about your girl, sometimes I have those feelings too but for me it’s not in the context of feeling disconnected (not implying that yours is, just trying to explain mine) but more that I’m so connected that I fear that her not being “mine” means I could lose her somehow.

  8. I would love to commiserate on marriage with you. If you’re like me, you have noone that you can really talk to that is objective.

  9. “My life that was so focused on my infertility is now blurred with what I had avoided, ignored or hadn’t foreseen.”

    Yes. I’m finding that, too.

    xoxo

  10. I think that M and I shoved a lot of our issues under the rug while we were struggling through infertility. While trying to get pregnant (and stay pregnant) we were a team, focused on that goal. Once m was born, all those things that we had pushed aside were suddenly on the surface, waiting to be dealt with and there was no more avoiding them. Along with that came a ton of resentment. I honestly believe that all those years of stuffing everything down and pushing real marital issues aside to focus on infertility was a bunch of nails in the coffin of our marriage.

  11. There’s a lot of intense emotions in infertility blogging and with that, I think, there are a lot of emotional connections that are made between you and those commenting on your blog. Without infertility as the focus, maybe all the emotional intensity gets spread out to all the other various things in your life. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but then maybe that intense emotional connection shared with your readers also gets dampened and I know, for me, when there is that loss of intense emotion it makes me feel lost.

    I don’t know if that’s what you are feeling (I’m not even sure what I wrote makes sense), but it’s what came to mind as I was reading your words.

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