In Sanity

I finally returned to see my PA for some pharmaceutical enlightenment. The good news is I apparently lost a couple of pounds since my visit a month ago. The bad news is “I believe that once you reach 40, you become the person you will end up being,” per the PA.

Which sounds totally lame now but there’s quite a kernel of truth there. I responded with a succinct, “Well, that sucks.”

Based on my bloodwork there’s nothing to indicate why I feel BLAH most days, and he didn’t think it was the other possibility, depression. “Do YOU think you’re depressed?”

Isn’t that a trick question? If I answer yes, doesn’t that make me sound like I’m just in it for the drugs and attention? If I answer no, does that mean I’m in denial? I answered with, “I have no idea.”

He asked if I cry. Well, yeah, I cry. Don’t we all? I told him I cried when I read about Leiby, the 8 year old killed in his zero-crime neighborhood. I told him I normally avoid the news because all that stuff makes me sad. The world just seems to be so pathetic. He asked what my husband thought? I said he thinks I am a bitch most days. I go from making pleasantries to a ‘roid-raged cunt in seconds because he didn’t rinse out the dish rag or pick up his socks. I told him that some days I can’t stand being around my son when he’s having a particularly crap ADHD day. Do I sleep at night, he also asked. I fall asleep instantly, but I’ll wake up 3-4 times a night tossing and turning.

Apparently that is all enough to make me fall under “Depression”. However, he hesitated putting that in my chart because he said that will haunt me and my insurance forever. Instead, he said he might just put insomnia. I guess I don’t know what he did eventually put on that sheet. *sigh*

For the “insomnia” (which I would never really consider that insomnia compared to some people I know who sleep 2, maybe 3, hours a night), he prescribed Ambien. For the “depression”, we’re starting with 20mg of Paxil. He gave me a script for 90 days but I’m to return in 30, sooner if necessary.

We wrapped up our exam by discussing my weight, which was my initial concern along with the exhaustion. As he held open the door for me to exit the room, he bluntly told me to quit obsessing about my weight. When I walked past him, he leaned towards me and whispered, “You are NOT fat.” I crushed on him just a bit right then and there.