In Sanity

I finally returned to see my PA for some pharmaceutical enlightenment. The good news is I apparently lost a couple of pounds since my visit a month ago. The bad news is “I believe that once you reach 40, you become the person you will end up being,” per the PA.

Which sounds totally lame now but there’s quite a kernel of truth there. I responded with a succinct, “Well, that sucks.”

Based on my bloodwork there’s nothing to indicate why I feel BLAH most days, and he didn’t think it was the other possibility, depression. “Do YOU think you’re depressed?”

Isn’t that a trick question? If I answer yes, doesn’t that make me sound like I’m just in it for the drugs and attention? If I answer no, does that mean I’m in denial? I answered with, “I have no idea.”

He asked if I cry. Well, yeah, I cry. Don’t we all? I told him I cried when I read about Leiby, the 8 year old killed in his zero-crime neighborhood. I told him I normally avoid the news because all that stuff makes me sad. The world just seems to be so pathetic. He asked what my husband thought? I said he thinks I am a bitch most days. I go from making pleasantries to a ‘roid-raged cunt in seconds because he didn’t rinse out the dish rag or pick up his socks. I told him that some days I can’t stand being around my son when he’s having a particularly crap ADHD day. Do I sleep at night, he also asked. I fall asleep instantly, but I’ll wake up 3-4 times a night tossing and turning.

Apparently that is all enough to make me fall under “Depression”. However, he hesitated putting that in my chart because he said that will haunt me and my insurance forever. Instead, he said he might just put insomnia. I guess I don’t know what he did eventually put on that sheet. *sigh*

For the “insomnia” (which I would never really consider that insomnia compared to some people I know who sleep 2, maybe 3, hours a night), he prescribed Ambien. For the “depression”, we’re starting with 20mg of Paxil. He gave me a script for 90 days but I’m to return in 30, sooner if necessary.

We wrapped up our exam by discussing my weight, which was my initial concern along with the exhaustion. As he held open the door for me to exit the room, he bluntly told me to quit obsessing about my weight. When I walked past him, he leaned towards me and whispered, “You are NOT fat.” I crushed on him just a bit right then and there.

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11 thoughts on “In Sanity”

  1. Well, fuck. If I’m the person I’m going to be for the rest of my life, lazy and angry don’t sound that great. 😉 But maybe there’s some truth to it – maybe it’s just a phase. Kids go through phases, men have midlife crises – why would we think we’re immune?

    Your doctor sounds pretty good – 1) He doesn’t want to give you a pre-existing condition, 2) He tells you you’re not fat. I’d keep him.

  2. “amazaballs” – totally my new word for the summer. 🙂

    SO glad you’ve got a doc asking the right questions, then actually LISTENING to the answers. he’s so right that a mental health diagnosis freaks out the insurers. (which is sad… yet again, it’s okay to have diabetes and request medical help but heaven forbid if you’ve got depression (or bipolar, GAD, etc and ask for medical help. Our own industry perpetuates the stigma). I hope the paxil works. And if not, as others have said, keep trying. You deserve to be happy.

  3. You are SOO not fat! You look AMAZABALLS! Seriously, that good.

    Glad you got something to try. Hope it is the magic you need.

  4. I hope the pharmaceuticals help. I’m trying to explore nutritional/meditative & exertional ways to handle mine – excuse the melodrama, but if it weren’t for my son, my parents, & the rest of the four-legged children there wouldn’t be much to my life these days that makes it worth living…

  5. Hehehehe! I’m giggling like a schoolgirl at the last paragraph. He held the door open for you and whispered in your ear! He TOTALLY likes you!! (Apparently I can use exclamation marks like a schoolgirl too!!!)

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