For Some Reason, the Only Title I Can Come Up With for This Post is ‘Angry Birds’

I called the PA and told him while I’m getting to sleep easily enough, once 3:30 a.m. comes around, I’m tossing and turning. Literally. It’s like the bed’s on fire and I’m trying to put it out with my thighs of ham. His suggestion was to continue taking the 10mg of ambien but to go from 20mg of paxil to 12mg so the nurse was going to send a new script to the pharmacy and I was like, say what?? Couldn’t I just cut the ones I have in half? Sure, she said, you can try that. Could two and half mg make THAT much of a difference, I thought?

But this I do know: 10mg of anti-crazy is apparently NOT enough to take the razor’s edge off of everything and everyone around me. Yesterday when I left work and got inside my car which was so hot and stuffy inside I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t help but think of any one of the children that probably died forgotten in a car this summer. In other words, my level of anxiety is nearly as high as it was before I started the AD.

The other night while helping my son with his writing assignment, I read back to him the sentences as he had written, which included the misspellings and missing words, in a mocking tone. He became angry and tearful, understandably so, and I realized I was being a horrible bitch. What kind of person…no, what kind of PARENT does that to their child especially knowing that with his ADHD I have to be ten times more patient and encouraging than “normal”?? Just recounting my assholi-ness makes my guts hurt.

Earlier I asked if 2mg (from being prescribed 12mg to cutting 20mg in half) could make that much of a difference in how I felt? I don’t know the answer yet to that but I can tell you the 10mg less per day is definitely NOT helping. I have to decide now whether to go back to how I felt two months ago – at to at least 80% of how I felt two months ago, which was like shit – to feeling better but not sleeping and won’t that make me feel like crap, too?

BAH! Where’s my fucking “normal”?!

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15 thoughts on “For Some Reason, the Only Title I Can Come Up With for This Post is ‘Angry Birds’”

  1. There is a reason there are so many different AD’s. Not all of them work for all people. I tried several before I found one that made me feel what it was like to feel like a “normal” person. Paxil was one that I didn’t tolerate.

    Now, don’t kill me….I know you are young…but is there any chance you are perimenopausal? I started at 42 (ish) and had a plethora of symptoms, many of which you have described. Just a thought.

  2. I’ll throw out the assvice as someone in the mental health field. 1) talk to the doc about dosages and feel free to press for a more effective one (more / less / different med / etc) Only you can advocate for you. 2) Can’t remember if this applies but I become leery when GPs are writing scripts for psychotropics. Any psychotropics. That’s what Psychs are for… and generally better in conjunction with a psychologist / licensed therapist. Obviously IMHO… flush this opinion as needed. I only say that because I’d never want my cardiologist writing my script for vag cream…. and my gyno sure the hell doesn’t write my scripts for my heart pills. Likewise, I get my psychotropics from the shrink 🙂

  3. I’m so sorry. It’s not easy to figure out exactly what you need to help you feel more normal. I’ve been dealing with this for a while now and am going in next week for yet another med tweak. I have to believe my normal is out there.

  4. I think Angry Birds is a good title for this post. Or Thighs of Ham.

    I got nothing, just thinking of you and hoping you get some answers soon. And some sleep. It’s REALLY hard to deal with shit when you’re not sleeping.

    xoxo

  5. I agree with the others that maybe you need to try a new med. Or meds. Maybe the paxil isn’t the best fit, nor the Ambien. I know many people who have to try a couple different things and different dosages before finding the right concoction.

    I, like Kris, had fantastic results with trazadone as a sleep aid. Doesn’t hurt either that it’s a mild AD as well. But I too wish I could have had the side effect her doctor mentioned.

    Good luck. It sucks to be where you are. I know, I’ve been there.

  6. My medical opinion: Try something other than Paxil. Drop the Ambien. Is it possible you have Restless Leg Syndrome? Also, were you on Melatonin before? I don’t remember if you mentioned that or not. That’s good for sleeping. My husband recommends ZMA. Google it. Also, ask @blaugra about the anti-anxiety meds.

  7. Or maybe you have to adjust to the new dose? It seems like those drugs have some really odd properties…can you take a few days of the crazy?

  8. Another excellent title would be “Thighs of Ham.” I have said those words to myself ten times already, and I feel happy every single time. THIGHS OF HAM.

  9. I hate that you’re going through this… I’m a bipolar girl myself, and it took what felt like forever and several really nasty side effects before I finally was able to find a medication that leveled me out. Paxil for me was the worst medication I’ve ever been on- I actually cringe when I hear about other people taking it- but it WORKS for most people. Unfortunately, pills alone are almost never enough. Even the drug companies themselves recommend medication be taken concurrently with therapy/counselling. And it really can help- just having someone completely non-judgmental to bitch about your crappy day to, (and it’s confidential!! so no worries about your boss hearing that they’ve been a dick!) or the issues you’re having with Dudicus (because ADHD is hell to deal with, even if you’re supermom), it makes a difference and can often make you feel less alone. And even if the first person you see/talk to doesn’t help, find someone else. I’ve seen more head shrinkers than I care to admit, it took quite a few to find one who I actually felt was listening to ME.

    Best of luck in dealing with all this.

    1. I have to agree with potty mouth mommy. AD’s are meant to help take the edge off of depression, not make it go away or cure it. There are underlying reasons for depression. A therapist will help you work through these issues so that you won’t need the AD’s at all.

  10. Oh, and when I was on my dose, which was just 400mg, I felt normal, and I did need a little help with sleep, I take trazadone for that. The dr says the only side effect is spontaneous orgasm as doses over 300mg. I take 100mg a night. Though I wouldn’t mind that side effect.

  11. Try a different anti depressant. With the sleep issues, could it be bipolar instead of just depression? I just got diagnosed with bipolar this year, and my sleep issues were a big reason I was diagnosed bipolar instead of just depressed. they put me on serequel, and the way we knew I had the right dose was that I felt good, and i was sleeping. I had been on lots and lots of antidepressants before then with all kinds of mixed results. This has been the best so far. I really didn’t want to be diagnosed bipolar, it was actually really upsetting, there is such a stigma against being bipolar, but being better feels a lot better than I was before. now that we are trying for another baby, I am going off of the serequel, and I can tell that I am more bitchy to my kids, and I don’t like myself as much as I did before, when I was on the correct dose. Just an idea. Oh, and I was seeing a therapist in person, and had been to a bunch of different doctors, not a one diagnosed me as bipolar, and then one dr said it, and said, why not try the medicine, just to see, and I was better. So I am glad that one dr said it.

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