I called the PA and told him while I’m getting to sleep easily enough, once 3:30 a.m. comes around, I’m tossing and turning. Literally. It’s like the bed’s on fire and I’m trying to put it out with my thighs of ham. His suggestion was to continue taking the 10mg of ambien but to go from 20mg of paxil to 12mg so the nurse was going to send a new script to the pharmacy and I was like, say what?? Couldn’t I just cut the ones I have in half? Sure, she said, you can try that. Could two and half mg make THAT much of a difference, I thought?
But this I do know: 10mg of anti-crazy is apparently NOT enough to take the razor’s edge off of everything and everyone around me. Yesterday when I left work and got inside my car which was so hot and stuffy inside I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t help but think of any one of the children that probably died forgotten in a car this summer. In other words, my level of anxiety is nearly as high as it was before I started the AD.
The other night while helping my son with his writing assignment, I read back to him the sentences as he had written, which included the misspellings and missing words, in a mocking tone. He became angry and tearful, understandably so, and I realized I was being a horrible bitch. What kind of person…no, what kind of PARENT does that to their child especially knowing that with his ADHD I have to be ten times more patient and encouraging than “normal”?? Just recounting my assholi-ness makes my guts hurt.
Earlier I asked if 2mg (from being prescribed 12mg to cutting 20mg in half) could make that much of a difference in how I felt? I don’t know the answer yet to that but I can tell you the 10mg less per day is definitely NOT helping. I have to decide now whether to go back to how I felt two months ago – at to at least 80% of how I felt two months ago, which was like shit – to feeling better but not sleeping and won’t that make me feel like crap, too?
BAH! Where’s my fucking “normal”?!